


Scourge of Duty

by tomy



Series: Scourge [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 14:03:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 61,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2695724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomy/pseuds/tomy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Begins right after the BtVS episode Bring On The Night and the AtS episode Rain Of Fire. Everything changes for Buffy when Angel turns up on her doorstep broken and bleeding.BA</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Joss et all owns em, I'm just borrowing em. They get the big bucks, I get a little fun.  
Spoilers: Begins right after the BtVS episode Bring On The Night and the AtS episode Rain Of Fire. Things will drastically change from there ;) Everything up to those episodes to current is fair game.  
Authors Note: This fic will be completed when RL allows

 

Scourge of Duty   
by tomy 

 

It's funny the things that you think about when you have time.

I look at the girls sitting around me and wonder what they would have done in my place. If one of them had been called instead of me. If one of them had been the one Whistler had shown to Angel. If he would have accepted. Hell, if she would have lived long enough to meet him.

Maybe they all would have accepted him. They have Spike. But then again, they see how we interact with him. They see the end result of years of struggle; of us trying to find our stations in life.

It's never been easy, I guess that's all part of the Sacred Duty thingy. Granted, everything in my life goes against the Slayer's Handbook. I've yet to see it - I'll have to ask Giles one of these days - but after meeting Kendra, and these girls, I should never have survived.

I have a vampire to thank for my life; many times over. I can't help thinking about my start as a Slayer on the Hellmouth as I watch these girls trying to learn from Giles and me. Giles and I learned so much from one very special vampire. A vampire that risked his life time and time again to save mine. Who took the time to teach me about vamp psychology, about rank and about tactics. Let's face it, who better than the Scourge of Europe, the most feared and revered vampire, to teach me how to survive. I once heard it said that you have to know your enemies to defeat them. That it takes an evil mind to know one.

Angel sure has that covered.

I'm worried about Spike. Spike has always had a grace about him, he's a definite predator, but with his mind in the state that it is, I don't know if he can take care of himself. I can't help but wonder if Angel went through the same mental agony that Spike is. Angel's soul surrounds him, it's visible for all who were looking to see. It's in his eyes, in his movements. Spikes isn't so clear, isn't so open. Which might be a blessing in disguise. Angel once told me a bit about his life, about how Darla abandoned him after the gypsies returned his soul. Angel is also so much stronger than Spike - mentally as well as physically. Maybe that's why I can't leave Spike, despite everything that he's done. I keep thinking about Angel, about the tone of his voice as he tried to explain himself. Something he really didn't need to do with me.

I know, they are two completely different men. I shouldn't be comparing apples to chickens. But, ever since I met Angel, ever since we fell in love, I can't stop myself from comparing him to very man I meet - Giles excluded for some odd reason I have yet to figure out.

Angel always said that I was full of life, even when things looked dire. These girls don't have that. I want to give them the feeling of life, of wanting so desperately to win, the knowledge that I would win. Granted, the beating I've taken has not done anything for morale. I've been down before, but never out.

But there's no connection for them. I knew I had a bond with Giles the first day I acknowledged him as my Watcher. I had a connection to a normal teenage life with Will and Xand. I had a connection with my freaky world with my - what did I call him that night...? Oh yes - 'my cradle-robbing-creature-of-the-night-boyfriend'. I still remember the smile on his face when I said that. That he knew I was teasing, that I accepted him for what he was, and more importantly - who he was - - is.

God, it's been so long since I last saw him, spoke to him. I didn't realise how much I miss him, how much of me he still holds.

Until he showed up on my doorstep. He was bleeding severely from a neck wound, his spirit was broken, much the same as mine. We stood in the doorway, staring at one another for a long time. Taking in the sight of each other, of the wounds and bruises. I'd never seen him injured like that before - and it scared me. Scared me more than my own injuries.

I vaguely heard Giles calling from the dining room, really didn't hear much until I heard Giles' 'My God' from behind me. It broke whatever spell that had held us in the doorway. Angel was quickly ushered in, Willow grabbing a chair for him, her eyes wide in horror. Here we were, possibly the two strongest warriors for the good side, injured badly, stinging mentally and physically, yet unable to take our eyes off one another.

"What did this to you?" My fears increased at Will's softly spoken question. Even Xander is shocked enough by Angel's haggard appearance to remain quiet. The girls have no idea who is sitting in their midst. I wonder if they'd freak. Or, give me the same look Kendra did when Angel was first mentioned to her.

'You mean Angelus. I've read about him.' Could she have said so little, and so much at once.

Angel shifts in the chair. I wonder how he found the strength to drive here. He clears his throat, obviously in pain. "I came here to ask Giles if he's run across this before." Gingerly Angel pulls out a piece of paper from his inside jacket pocket, and unfolds it. It's a sketch of a demon, one he obviously drew himself. Giles reaches over the table to take the paper out of Angel's shaking hand. I don't believe I've ever seen his hands shake before. My fear inches up a notch. I'm sure Angel can sense it, just as his agitation is wearing on me.

"Dear Lord." Both Angel and I look up at my Watcher. His eyes are wide as he glances from the page back to Angel. "H- have you come across this demon?"

"He just stabbed me with my own knife before pitching me off a building."

Okay, that explains the injuries, but not his... aura. He's hurting, badly, his body language is screaming it at me, and it's not just from the physical. I don't think he'd be here if it were just that.

I decide to take things into my own hands - before Angel collapses in my dining room. I look to Willow. "Can you fix him something to eat?" She nods, understanding immediately what I'm asking, and that I don't want the girls to know yet. Grabbing his arm, I help him up. "You need rest. We can talk about this in the morning." He nods, leaning gently on me as I take him upstairs to my room. The room downstairs is quiet, I'm assuming the girls are talking in hushed tones. Angel sits tensely on my bed as I tend to his wounds, silent. I can feel him watching me. When our eyes meet, his expression causes me to blush. I know I've tended to him many times in our years together, but I haven't been this close to him in too long.

"What did this to you?" he breaks the silence.

I'm grateful for it. "The First is back." He jolts at my news. "Yeah, I know." I comment dryly to his reaction. "It let loose this Uber vamp to help kill the Potential Slayers."

Angel snorts, "No wonder my senses were going nuts down there."

The smile slowly spreads across my face. I can't help it. "What about you?"

He runs a tired hand through his hair before speaking, collecting his thoughts I assume. "We knew something was coming, but we had no idea it was going to be this bad. That ... monster has killed so many." He looks at me, his eyes filled with something as close to total despair as I have ever seen from him. My skin grows cold at the expression. "It's raining fire in LA." He says it so calmly.

"It's what?" It takes a minute for what he just said to sink in. Then I sit quickly on the edge of the bed - before my legs give out completely. "Do you think maybe it's all connected?"

"It's possible." He shrugs, then winces as the movement pulls on his neck.

"There's something else."

He looks at me, almost startled. Then a genuine smile crosses his face. It holds the love, affection and familiarity I've missed so much. "I can't keep anything from you, now can I?"

Willow chose that moment to walk in carrying a large mug in her hands.


	2. Chapter 2

Willow passed him the mug, looking worried - not that I blame her. But he did look better now that I'd had a chance to clean him up a bit. The bloodstained collar was disconcerting though.

"Are you two okay?" He looks at me, looking for some kind of affirmation I guess.

"I think we will be. Just need some time to talk, and rest." She nods, understanding yet again what I can't say outright.

"If you need anything, just call."

"Thanks, Will. How is everyone taking his appearance?" I so want to ask if Xander was behaving.

She stiflea a giggle. "You should hear some of the comments when you two left."

Angel rolled his eyes. "I can just imagine."

Willow kneels before us, placing a hand atop each of ours. I immediately feel the power, the surge of whatever it is that is between us. She smiles up at us, the brightest smile I've seen from her in a long time. It infuses me with something I was sure I'd never feel again. "I thought you two should know." Angel's staring, almost wide eyed at her. "I'll leave you two to talk." With that, she stands, leaving the room, closing the door softly behind her. The power drains quickly as we loose contact.

"Are you okay, Angel?" Back to matters at hand. Not wanting to linger on the possible implications of what Willow had just shown us.

His head drops. "Honestly? No." He take a sip from the mug. That surprises me. I can't remember how many times I tried to convince him that nothing about him bothers me. Yet he always turned his back, or left the room if he was going to do anything vampire-ish. A lot more has changed than I realise. This being one of the more pleasant surprises. That he is finally somewhat comfortable with what he is.

"Then tell me."

"Do you know about Connor?"

I nod. That one had stung. God, how it had hurt to find out second hand that he had a son.

He then launches into the most amazing story I wish I'd never heard. Wesley's unmeaning perfidy, Connor's disappearance and return, his time spent imprisoned under the ocean. My mouth was agape as he told me about his relationship with Cordelia. That they had even had one is a bit of a shock to me, but I let that slide - considering my own indiscretions of late. When he returned to discover her missing as well. I had known about the visions, about her being turned half demon so she could physically handle the visions, but to find out they had made her a higher being?! Then the things she said to him after returning. That she could never love him since she witnessed his actions as Angelus.... And worst of all, after everything she had said to him, to literally turn around and sleep with his son. I can't fathom that kind of betrayal. Never mind to actually see it. I stood, taking a few steps away from him, not wanting him to see the rage she instilled in me - again.

"Buffy?" His voice is filled with fear, tinged with desperation. Something I'm sure very few people have ever heard from him

I turn back as I feel the tears slip over my cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Angel. I can't.... I just can't imagine anyone treating you like that." I want to say so much more to him, I want to express my feelings. But the last thing he needs right now was a whimpering girl.

He take a shaky breath. "What about you?"

I shrug. "What you see is what you get. The First has been playing with us, much the same as it did with you. Playing on Spike, Willow and Dawn. Meanwhile the Harbringers have been killing the Potential Slayers. Giles turned up a few weeks ago. The Watcher's Council was blown to smithereens. There were a few other girls here, but they were killed."

"So Giles and Wes are the only Watchers left?"

I nod. "Yeah, and the girls downstairs are the last of the Slayer line. Giles has a Coven looking to see if there are more. If we can get them here, I can protect them."

"What about Faith?"

It never fails. He mentions her name, and the stabbing pain roars through me. "I think she's safe where she is. They didn't come after me until I started to protect the girls."

Angel nods slowly. "I'm sorry. You really didn't need me coming here and adding to your quandary." He stands, placing the mug on my nightstand.

"Angel." I grab his arm, desperitely needing to prevent him from leaving. "You are always welcome here. You know that. And I think you need me right now."

"I do." He spoke in such a quiet tone, as if he's ashamed to admit it.

"I accept you, Angel. All of you. I've seen what Angelus has done - Hell, I've fought him. It changed nothing between us." Well, almost nothing. "Maybe you can help me?"

He perks up at that. "How?"

"The Uber vamp.... I staked him, but it didn't slow him down. I've battled some strong demons and Hell Gods, but this thing was unbelievable. I don't know how to kill it." Even I hear the panic in my voice.

"What does it look like?"

I give him a brief description of the Turok-Han, trying to contain the shuddering fear.

"Beheading."

"What?"

"The only way to kill it is to behead it."

"And you know this... how? Not that I'm complaining."

He smiles, God how I've missed that smile. "I ran into one about a century ago. Nasty, vicious things. Even my demon couldn't stand them." His wry chuckle did alleviate some of the tension in the room. How strange, that after everything we've endured together, and apart, that we would find each other's company so stressful?

"Sounds simple enough."

"Buffy...."

"I know, nothing is as simple as it sounds. But at least I have an idea of how to kill it. Which is a lot more than I had half an hour ago."

"And someone to watch your back."

Relief floods me. I've been so hoping he'd offer. I had been afraid to ask - so much is burdening him right now. He must have seen my reaction, or just known it. I want to know him as I used to. Before all hell broke loose. I long for that, ache for it now that he's standing right in front of me. I can't help but wonder if he's thinking the same thing. Or if he just needs a friend he can trust.

I step easily into his offered embrace. Mom used to offer me hugs all the time. Yes, they were nice, and needed, but they lacked something. Even after she knew about the Slayer thing. Giles has also offered hugs on may occasions. I thought his embraces meant more - and they do - he understands, he's been there with me to know all the cliche's about how precious life is. Spike's were always on the cold side. Not just in the literal sense. I never loved him, I know that now more than ever. I do care for him, he's a friend, a confidant - someone I know I can rely on. But Angel - something about his arms simply holding me relaxes me, comforts me, engulfs me in security and love. It's not sexual - okay, they have been. I know need. I know betrayal. As I snuggle into his chest, smelling his cologne - I remember once wondering why a vampire would wear cologne - it's a soft, definitely male, fragrance that I've only found on Angel. A smell that's burned into my senses. It lulls me. Our embrace tightens briefly. I don't want to let go. The world fades while I'm here. When it ends, I have to return to reality.

He lets go anyway, moving toward the bed. Motioning to it, he lies down, reaching out for me. He doesn't have to ask twice. I lie in front of him, feeling him spoon in behind me, like he used to do when we napped in the afternoons. His one arm under my head is as comfortable as ever. His arm wrapped around my waist, holding me securely to his chest and belly is heaven. My eyes close as I cover his hand with mine, hoping he's feeling everything I am as I drift off into peaceful slumber.


	3. Chapter 3

I wake slowly, finding myself extremely stiff and sore. Slayer healing be damned, that vamp really did me in. Plus I notice that I'm still in the same position I fell asleep in, happily cocooned against Angel.

The blinds are shut and the curtains drawn, shielding Angel from the sunlight I can see behind them. There's a blanket tucked around us and the mug is gone from my nightstand. Willow must have come in at some point to check on us.

"They're sleeping together!"

"Xander, hush!" comes Will's quick reprimand from below us.

I feel Angel quietly chuckling behind me. I glance at my alarm clock and groan. It's well after ten in the morning. I do not want to leave this safe haven. As much as my body is telling me to get up, the rest of me is content to remain here.

I throw the blanket off anyway. I need to check that Dawn got off to school, that Molly and Kennedy are okay. I move to stand, realising only as I'm falling that my body is not ready for what I want it to do. Angel's behind me in a flash, catching me, supporting me as the dizziness fades and my legs accept their job of holding me up.

"Thanks." I nod towards him as he lets go of my waist and shoulder.

"You okay?" His concern is touching, more so since I know it's genuine.

"Yeah, just stood too quick, I guess." I take my first real look at him this morning. The wound on his neck is mostly healed, but his bruises, like mine are still vibrant. "Why don't you get some more rest while I check in with Giles."

"Are you sure?" I can see just how tired he is, how much he wants to do just that. I'd never realised that vampires get bags under their eyes, or is that more bruising?

"You can't go anywhere anyway. I'll bring you something when I come back up." He nods, settling back into the bed as I straighten myself out, grabbing a change of clothes before heading to the bathroom. By the time I return from my shower, he's sound asleep again, looking so peaceful. Like this, I can almost imagine that things are quiet in our lives, not topsey-turvey. 

 

Giles is leaning over the island in the kitchen, reading through yet another old book that I don't recognise.

He looks up, "Good morning, Buffy. How did you sleep?"

"Morning, and good. Actually, really good." It dawns on me just how well I slept, and how rested I feel. "That was the best night's sleep I've had in a long time."

"Angel has always had that effect on you." He smiles, almost slyly, making me wonder what he thinks happened between us.

"We had a lot to talk about." I subtly try to set him straight. "A lot has happened in both our lives."

"It's only to be expected."

"On another good note, Angel told me how to kill the Turok-Han."

Giles' eyebrows almost come together in surprise. "How does he know?"

"Ran across one a few lifetimes ago. Found it annoying, killed it, end of story."

By this time, even Giles is smiling. "Alright then. By this evening I may have some information in return for him."

"We were wondering if maybe this is all connected?"

"It's possible. And if not, how long before The First utilizes the help of this demon." Giles points with his chin to the sketch Angel gave him.

"You really are with the pleasant ideas." I toss back at him sarcastically. Reaching into the fridge, looking for orange juice, I realise how low our stocks are. I was just making it when it was Dawnie and me, now I don't know how I'm going to manage. The counseling job three to four times a week pays better than flipping burgers, but it's still not enough to cover expenses.

"Giles...?"

"Hmm?"

"How did the other Slayers manage?"

"How so?" His brow furrows at me. It's his 'he knows I'm asking something important, but he has no idea what I'm asking' face.

"How did they support themselves?"

"Ah," he clears his throat. Now I know I'm not going to like this answer. "Typically the Council paid the Watcher to support the Slayer."

I nod. Dead end there. Literally.

"Why do you ask, Buffy? I thought you were doing okay?"

I know I'm looking at him like he has two heads. Can he really be that clueless? "I was." I don't want to ask. My pride has taken too much of a beating lately for me to actually come out and explain my fears. Plus, the last time I did that, I chased him away.

He goes back to reading, which really hurts. He has no idea. If we do find there are other girls, I have no idea how I'll support them. I turn my back to him, making sure he can't hear the sigh that escapes. Maybe I need to talk to Willow and Xander. I down the last of the O.J. straight from the carton before tossing it in the trash.

"Dawn got off to school okay?"

"Yes. Willow insisted that we let you sleep. She and Xander took the girls out shopping."

"How did Xander get the day off?"

"He's playing hookey." he whispers conspiratorial.

I try not to bust up laughing, only to fail miserably.

*

Angel and I set out as soon as it's dark enough for him to venture outside. I briefly overheard his conversation home when I returned upstairs after talking to Giles. He looked miserable, hunched over the edge of the bed as he quietly spoke to whoever was on the other end. He looked up, smiling bravely as I handed him the warm glass.

The rest of the day passed in much the same fashion. Giles, Angel and I worked on finding his rock demon, and possible ways to stop - kill it, with little success I might add. Willow, Xander and the girls arrived as Angel and I were about to head out. I couldn't help but notice the glare Xander tossed at Angel. Xander has never understood, probably never will. I figure I'll give that up as a lost cause. The girls look happy and relaxed for the first time since this mess started. Maybe shopping is another form of comfort food. I'm hoping we have good news for everyone when we return.

"I overheard your conversation with Giles this morning." Angel breaks my thoughts as we stroll down the darkened streets of Sunnydale.

"What part?"

"I had an idea to help you."

I stop, worried about what he heard.

"I know you won't accept anything from me. But I was thinking," he faces me straight on as he continues. A sense of hope sparkes inside me. Angel has always had answers. "Before...." he pauses, making sure I know he is talking about Angelus. "I arranged some holdings. Things that were stolen, things I acquired, and so on. I haven't touched them since I got my soul back."

"Angel...," he couldn't possibly be offering?

"Wait, hear me out before you make up your mind." He steps closer. "I could sell most of it and set up an account that we both have access to. You can use it to help support yourself and the girls, I'll use it to help my end of the battle. That way it's going to good use, it has a purpose."

My mouth is hanging open again. Tears sting my eyes as he stares at me, patiently waiting for my answer. "How much can it be?"

He smiles mischievously as we start walking towards one of the many areas I frequently patrol. "Well, I met this interesting fellow in The Hague in the 1880s. Very talented. And as you know, my demon has an appreciation for the finer things in life. He asked this person to paint something for him. The painter willingly complied. The painting was stirring enough that he was allowed to live." The smile has grown, arousing my curiosity more and more.

"Come on, Angel, who was it?" I'm getting caught up in his story, in the pleasure of possibly righting an old wrong.

"Vincent van Gogh."

I stop in my tracks. "No way?!"

"Way," he responds cheekily, flooring me. "I figure if I sold it to say, the LA Museum, I'd get at least a million for it. Or I might auction it off for more. It's one of his first works."

I shake my head. "You never cease to amaze me."

"I aim to please."

Was I imagining it, or did he just hit on me?

"I was also wondering if you'd come back to LA with me after we take care of your nasty problem?"

"I was thinking that too. You do realise The First will probably follow us?"

"I'm kind of hoping it will. With all our resourses combined again, I think we'll have a better chance of defeating it."

"Time to hold that thought." My stomach is curdling, my Slayer sign the Ubervamp is nearby.

Angel freezes, listening carefully. I've picked up this habit of stopping breathing for a minute to better listen. Angel's eyes flick to me as we both hear the footsteps behind us. The park we are in opens up ahead of us. I glance at the grassy section quickly before looking back to Angel. He nods slightly.

Quickly we move to open ground. I've lost track of vampy, though my gut is still trying itself in knots.

It appears from behind a cluster of trees a hundred yards from us, just as a group of regular vamps casually make themselves known from across the clearing.

"Just like old times, huh?" Angel smirks.


	4. Chapter 4

We stand back-to-back, waiting for the attack. Vamps typically don't do the patience thing well.

"You armed?"

"Of course, though I wish I had my sword or axe."

I chuckle briefly. "Men, always wanting the big toys."

He glances down at me, humour lighting his eyes for a second.

The moment passes quickly as the Ubervamp jumps at me just as the others pull Angel into their frey. I hear Angel fighting, dusting vamps.

Ubie seems to want to toy with me. My bruises have not faded. He stares appreciatively at my black eye before swiping at me. I jump back feeling the wind across my face. He lunges again, like a cat playing with a mouse. He swipes, catching me in the chest. As I reel back, he grabs me by the neck with his other hand, pinning me against a tree. My body begins to struggle as he cuts off my air. I force myself to regroup as I look over it at Angel. Seeing that he's okay, that he's still fighting, I regain my focus. Kicking out I push him away from the tree, causing him to drop me. I roll, just avoiding being stomped on. I have to get behind him somehow.

I throw a stake at him, it doesn't distract him. Instead, I've allowed myself to get too close. He punches me, my head snaps back from the force before I hit the ground. I scramble to my feet as he comes after me, punching, kicking, not allowing me to get up. I can't get my bearings.

Then it stops. I look up to see it turn to dust, leaving one very pissed off Angel standing behind, covered in dust.

He lends me a hand up, and I know he's carefully looking me over for serious injuries. I can't say much, I'm doing the same to him.

"Thanks for distracting him," he quips. I just look at him strangely. He really has changed. His entire outlook is - well, it's kinda nice to hear him joking afterward. Not all dire and cryptic.

"Anytime. So was that a distraction to keep you busy, or a distraction to keep me busy?" I brush the grass off my jeans, wondering how bad I now look.

He steps close, pulling a twig out of my hair. "You look good, as always. Aside from the black eye."

How did he know?! "It saves me putting eye shadow on. It's a new look, you know." I can't help but flirt. He's standing so close.

"I think we need to get back to the house." Just as he says it, I get a sinking feeling. Sparing him a quick, worried glance I take off home. 

 

It doesn't take long to jog back. Thankfully everything looks peaceful as we enter the house.

"Hello?" I call out.

"Ah, Buffy, just in time." Giles comes out of the living room. "Four more girls arrived while you were out."

Four! "Any problems?" I try to keep my voice professional. Angel gives me a sideways look.

"Thankfully no." Giles responds as he leads me back into the living room.

It's an odd feeling, the first time one of the Potentials looks at me. It's like hero-worship, tinged with fear. My friends have always looked to me to lead the fight, but never with awe in their eyes. Shock the first time they saw me in action - yes. I hate to let them know that I'm not a God - met a few of them, wasn't impressed.

Angel steps up behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders. And I feel it again, the same thing Willow showed us. It's calming, it's comforting and it gives me confidence and strength. I take a deep breath, literally feeling my ribs creak, but I don't show any of it.

"How are we on sleeping arrangements?"

"All done," Willow cheerfully announces returning with blankets and such, setting them up across the room. I send her a look of relieved thanks. She just smiles at us. "And how was your night?"

I swear, everyone thinks that Angel and I just spent a few hours necking in the cemetery. I wish! "One dusted Ubervamp. And about ten dusted regular vamps in the process." I refused to acknowledge Will's tone.

"That's a relief." Giles sat slowly on the big couch.

"Then how come you don't sound relieved?"

"It was too easy."

I toss a startled look at Giles. Then I realise he's right. "I'm assuming the vamps were a distraction for Angel."

"I would also presume that." Giles sat on one of the end chairs.

"Was The First so sure of the Turok-Han?"

"It would make sense. It's underestimated us before."

I half turned to face Angel. "You're proof of that."

"You've faced this entity before?" One of the new girls spoke up. She was a slight of a girl, Asian in background I think. God knows I suck at names. Not that any have been offered yet.

"A little over three years ago." I nod at her.

"It sure had me fooled." Angel leans a shoulder against the door frame, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Such a typical Angel stance.

"And now it has Spike." Angel just looked at me. "There are things about Spike you need to know."

"I heard he has a chip in his brain."

"That's old news." I wave a hand at him. "But I think this is for Spike to tell you."

"I wonder...." I look back at Angel. "Can you hold down the fort?"

He nods, "Of course. Why? What are you going to do?"

"Rescue Spike." I grab an extra stake, just in case.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Giles has followed me to the door.

"I figure The First is reeling from us dusting the Ubervamp. If my hunch is right, this will be the best chance to get him back."

Giles nods reluctantly.

*

I find Spike right where I figured the First would keep him. In the tunnel where I originally found the Bringers and spoke to The First while it was messing with Angel.

It obviously has little imagination.

Spike is tied to a far well, his body a maze of cuts, bloody symbols, and bruises. Frankly, he looks like shit. I cringe inwardly as I get closer. He mumbles something like 'You're not real, just a figment of my imagination' Whatever The First has been doing to his mind, it's obviously similar to what it did to Angel.

I cut the leather ties that are holding him hostage. Weakly, he falls against me, shocked. I try to smile reassuringly at him, catching his still startled blue eyes.

"I knew you'd come." He whispers, leaning heavily on me.

"You were right." 

 

*

The trip home was not an easy one. I should have asked Angel to come - with his car. I've never seen Spike this weak. this broken. Though I can still see hope in his eyes. a hope that had sparked the moment he knew it was really me.

As soon as we entered the house, Willow was beside me, helping me get Spike downstairs - away from the other girls. They don't need their first view of a vamp being the Slayer dragging one through her house, then feeding him back to health.

"I take it he was right were you thought?" Will arranged the pillows on the chair downstairs, trying to make Spike comfortable. Which I'm not sure is possible with all his wounds.

"Predictable as usual." I slowly lower him down. "Where's Angel?"

"Restocking."

I should have known.

"Angel's here?!" There was a note of panic in Spike's voice as he tried to stand.

"Easy," I try to push him back down - which was fairly easy considering his condition. "Yes, Angel is here."

"Does he know?"

"Not yet. I thought you'd want to tell him."

I'm pretty sure the nod I got was an affirmative, and in appreciation.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Notes: Thanks to the Irish Gaelic translator Gramadach Lexicon.   
Apologies if this is the wrong context, I'm still learning.   
Angel uses 'Gille' = which translates to 'lad, servant, child'

***

I heard Angel enter the house late that night. Most of the others had settled down for the night. I could hear a little bit of rustling from upstairs, but nothing more than what you'd expect from a bunch of sleeping girls. Giles had gone to spend the night at Xander's, Will was asleep upstairs, as was Dawn - finally. I heard her and a few of the girls giggling for about an hour.

Angel was good at the stealthy, but not good enough that Spike and I couldn't pick up his movements. Spike had tensed the moment I felt Angel near. I guess Sire/Childe bonds work on the same level as what Angel and I have. But, he still wouldn't wake fully.

The good news is that Spike has been coherent since I found him. Other than the whole passing out thing.

Angel slowly came down the stairs with a pitcher of blood and two mugs. He filled one, handing it to me.

"Spike. C'mon Spike, you need to wake up." He opened his eyes blearily at me. I tried to hold the mug up to his lips, but he was too far gone. His injuries too severe for his body to handle. I looked worriedly at Angel, who was already taking off his jacket and unbuttoning his shirt.

"You know what I have to do?" Angel stepped between me and Spike, pulling his collar off his shoulder.

Oh yes, I knew. A part of me was grateful, another part was curious, and yet another was fiercely, and irrationally jealous.

I step back, fading into the shadows, giving Angel the room he needed.

"Spike." He slapped Spike's cheek. "William, wake up." His voice was fierce, commanding. Spike's eyes opened a crack, widening as they focused on his Sire. "You need to heal, boy." Spike's eyes flash golden. "Aye, Gille, you know the drill." I had never actually heard Angel's Irish brogue before. It had its desired effect. Spike switched into gameface as he grabbed his Sire's shoulders, pulling him close.

My eyes closed of their own accord. I felt like I was intruding on their intimate moment. And I remember when Angel had fed from me. I remember how personal, how intimate, it really was.

My eyes pop open as I hear Angel's low moan. Spike's hands are cradling Angel's head and neck, almost reverently holding him as he gently fed.

After a moment, Angel slowly pulled back. Spike growled, but let go. The breath I was holding released itself from my lungs.

I step forward quickly as Angel falters.

"He took a lot, needed a lot."

I nod, lowering him to one of the mats on the floor, handing him back his mug. Steadying his hands as he sips. I glance back at Spike. His injuries are healing before my eyes. I know about the potency of Sireblood, especially that of a Master Vampire.

He blinks at us as his eyes clear. "Sire?"

Angel's head snaps around in shock. I've never heard Spike use that tone towards Angel.

Angel stands slowly, closing the distance as Spike stood. I could see Angel observing Spike. Then his jaw dropped. "Spike?" Shock doesn't cover Angel's expression. "How...?"

"I'm sorry, so sorry." Spike was near tears again. "How do you deal w'it?"

Angel's eyes flit from mine to his Childe's. Shock, disbelief, pity and a myriad of other emotions clearly showing.

"Was it this bad?"

Angel took a deep breath, knowing the truth was the best bet here.

"Yea, Will'am, t'was."

Okay, now I'm floored. The brogue and using Spike's real name. I can't believe how out of place I feel. I step up to the two men, feeling an odd bond, one that I'm helplessly being dragged into. Not that I'm fighting it at all.

I touch Angel's shoulder, making sure the wound is clean. It is and already healing. "I'll leave you two to talk," I barely whisper, afraid to break the spell.

Two hands quickly shoot out to grasp my arms. Angel has one, Spike the other. I smile affectionately at both of them, leading them over to the mats where they can drink, and we can talk without disturbing the girls upstairs.

Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.

*

We sit up talking most of the night. Angel's assorted tales of how he initially dealt with his returned soul. The meditation techniques he still uses when things become too much to bear. I had no idea he still suffered so much. Spike in return explained where he went, the trials and finally how he'd won his soul back. Angel looked upon his Childe with a tinge of jealousy. There's no loophole in Spike's soul - it isn't a curse.

I caught Angel looking at me with longing in his eyes. It sparked mine. Not that it had ever really left.

Spike even bravely admitted his rape attempt. Angel had to stand and walk away for a moment before returning to his place beside me, facing Spike. He took a deep breath, then relaxed.

I gained a renewed respect for him that night. Both of them actually. I doubt things will ever flow perfectly between them, but this was an amazing turnabout. One I hoped would hold at least for our big fight.

*

Giles and Willow descend the stairs slowly, causing the three of us to look up tiredly. Willow had two mugs in her hands, which she passes to the guys, while Giles hands me a glass of orange juice, which I accept thankfully. It's been a long night. Not really stressful, but emotional.

"Cordelia has been calling for you, Angel." I watch as Angel's eyes darken at Giles' words. His life in LA had been temporarily forgotten.

"Why don't you call her and let her know you're okay?" He nods slowly, reluctantly standing. "Then I think we need to get some rest." I know I'm about to shock the hell out of everyone. "Will, is the cot still in my room?" She nods. "Where are the girls?"

"Outside, training."

"Good, then we can make it upstairs without them getting suspicious."

"I'll, uh, spend the day down here."

Both Angel and I look at him.

"The cot in my room will be more comfortable for you, at least while you're healing." I chance a look at Giles. He doesn't seem surprised for some reason. Maybe they can feel it too. Maybe this is just wishful thinking.

Finishing our drinks, we head upstairs, Angel into the living room to call home, Spike and I upstairs to crash. I am totally beat. Beat in the physical sense and the emotional.

Spike settles on the cot at the foot of my bed. He's exhausted, and I need to know about what happened to him; why he was kidnapped. But, looking at him, it can wait until he's healed a bit more, until we can all sit together and go over what we know.

As I step back, he reaches out, taking a hold of my hand. Our fingers lace together and a gentle smile spreads across his face.

Angel walks in then, his expression darkening as he takes us in. "Dawn needs to talk to you."

"Thanks." I give Spike's hand a quick squeeze before letting go. Angel won't let me near as he passes by me. I wanted to touch him, to reaffirm what we established during the night. A sigh escapes me as I close the door behind me.

Walking into the kitchen, Dawn greets me.

"I'm sorry to disturb you." She refuses to look at me.

Okay, who replaced my sister? One: she's apologising, two: she's acting shy and quiet. Now I'm scared.

"We're out of food."

Ah, that explains it. Running my hands through my hair I do a quick mental count. I work tomorrow, they would have deposited my pay cheque last week, so I can spare about a hundred dollars on groceries.

Which is nowhere near enough to feed nine of us. Assuming Xander, Anya and Giles don't eat here. Which they have been.

I glance back at her. She looks worried and scared. I give her a half smile. "Let me get changed, then we'll go."

She doesn't smile back. She's grown up a lot lately. She's taken a leader role with the girls, and she understands our situation. Sure she can still whine, moan and be bitchy, but so can I. But push is coming to shove and she's not pushing back. Actually, with how much I'm hurting right now, she could probably take me down if she wanted to.

Not that I'd let her know that! Okay, good sign, I still have a sense of humour about all of this.


	6. Chapter 6

I step into the kitchen , trying to find some peace and quiet, and locate Angel in the process. I was just about to open the back door into the evening when I heard Xander call out from the backyard. I should have realised the ideal of peace was futile.

"Hey, Dead Boy." I stop, shuddering at his tone.

"Why do you insist on pissing me off?" Angel's tone was tired, stressed.

Even I could see the one shouldered shrug that is typical of Xander. "You left, man. You have no right to come here in the middle of this and add to our problems."

"You can't be serious?" Angel's voice grew louder as he approached the doorway.

"It's one of the few times, I realise that." There was a brief pause. "You should leave. Now, before you interfere more."

"You're still jealous that she loves me." The tired and stressed tone turned nasty.

"LovED! Definite emphasis on the E-D part." Xander's voice rose a notch.

"We'll see about that." It was that tone, the cocky, self assured one that used to melt me like butter. Wait - - he's fighting for me!

"You're the one that hurt her."

"And you berated her for it. Not that you have any right to judge me. I didn't leave her at the alter. She knew damn well that I was leaving and why I left."

I had never considered the accusations Angel was now throwing back at Xander. Xand has always been good at reminding me of my mistakes - even ones I didn't consider mistakes - slide 'loving Angel' into that category. Why had I never stuck up for myself? Maybe 'cause Angel never had.

"How dare you throw that in my face?" Xander continued.

Okay, now I have to smirk. Pot doesn't like being called out by the kettle, huh?

"The same way you continually throw her relationship with me in her face."

"I made a mistake."

"And she forgave you for it. Both of them have. Yet you can't see past our one night together."

"I never killed anyone."

I can just imagine the rage on Angel's face. So much has changed since we were together. "And I suppose you think Anya hasn't either?"

"That's different!"

"You're more of a fool than I thought, Harris." I heard foot steps moving down the stairs of the porch.

Figuring that now was the time to interrupt before the bloodshed started I opened the back door to literally bump into one pissed off Xander. A part of me wanted to continue where Angel left off - okay a huge part of me wanted to, but there are more important issues at hand. My love life - or lack thereof - can wait.

I jog down the steps to meet Angel on the grass. "Ready for a quick sweep?"

He looked me over, from head to foot before nodding curtly and moving off. O-kay, this is gonna be a night not to remember.

*

He was quiet, broody, testy, keeping distance between us as we walked through graveyard after graveyard. The night was humid, clear, and quiet. Unlike the tension between us.

Entering the fourth of many Sunnydale cemeteries, Angel suddenly stopped.

"What's between you and Spike?"

"What?" Okay, that caught me right off guard. As did his accusing tone.

"You heard me."

I suddenly felt nervous, under his scrutiny. I don't want to disappoint him again, drive him away with the truth.

"He's a friend, a good friend." I tried to shrug it off.

Angel steps closer, towering over me. "Why do I find that so hard to believe?"

I have to turn away. He grabs me, hauling me back to him, against him. In the dark his eyes are unreadable, but his actions aren't. There are times I forget, times I think he forgets. He's still a man, with a man's emotions, and God, I hope I'm reading this one right. "You don't get it do you?"

"Get what?"

"I may have been with Spike." The low growl startled me, urges me on. "But it was no different than you with Darla! I needed someone. Needed to feel something. You of all people should understand that." Why am I doing this? I don't mean it this way...

His grip tightened on my arm, then he so much as tosses me aside. "Passing the blame are you?" I'd never heard such anger from him before.

"How do you not know? Not see?"

"Oh, I think I see alright."

I sit, feeling the damp grass soak through my skirt, dampen my fingers as I struggle to hold my temper. "What you see is green! Damn you! You have no right to be jealous."

Striding to me, "How many have you had since me?"

My eyes widen in shock as I sputter up at him. "Then leave - again." I stand quickly, backing away. "Isn't this what you wanted for me? To have all the guys in the sunlight fuck me?" His eyes flash gold before turning back to the enraged brown. "You're right with what you said to Xander. You warned me, and I warned you. And you don't have to worry," I spat at him cruelly, "I'll never fuck your son." Spinning, I walk as fast as I can to get away from him. From the hurt we always cause each other. I had thought this time would be different. That we could at least be friends.

The hand roughly grabbing my bicep startled me. I don't have time to react as he yanks me around to him. "Damn right you won't." he practically growls at me as he pulls me against him, his lips slanting over mine. Shock courses through me. It takes a second before I realise, before it sinks in that he's holding me, kissing me. My lips part, granting him the access he was demanding as my arms wrap around his neck. How could I have forgotten this? How good it feels to be in his arms, to kiss him, to hold him. His kiss is demanding, passionate as he reclaims me. God how I've wanted this.

His hands grab my ass, lifting me off the ground, pulling me closer as my back scrapes against the bark of a tree. My legs wrap around his waist of their own accord. My pelvis tips, bringing me closer to him, causing him to groan at the increased contact between us.

His kiss deepens as my hands begin to roam. There are too many clothes between us. I want to touch his skin, feel his skin against mine. He shifts, causing us to lose contact. I struggle to get closer again, clinging to him, grabbing onto him. I feel his hand reach between us, hear the material rip, then he's inside me. I break off the kiss as my body tenses in surprise. Then relaxes, recognizing him, taking him deeper as his hand cradles my head, bringing me back to his lips. How many times have I dreamed this, fantasized this? Now it's happening. He's moving inside me, taking me, crushing me to him as I can't help but respond to him, to his wild kisses, knowing what we can give each other. The world fades, leaving only him.

My bare ass hits the cold grass as he reels back. Shock and horror colour his expression as tears flood my eyes.

What have we done?!

Angel spins, bolting away, leaving me sitting obscenely in the damp grass. Afraid to move, to lose the feel of him.


	7. Chapter 7

I take another quick sweep before quietly entering the house. I so do not want to see anyone.

I step into my dark room to find Spike sitting at the window.

"I can smell him on you, Pet. Is there anything we should be worried about?" Somehow he manages to ask without accusation. Probably the only one who would.

"I don't think so." It comes out as a tired sigh. "Have you seen him?"

"Not a word."

I thought as much.

"He knows about us then?"

I nod again, afraid to look directly at him.

"Angel has always been a jealous one."

I tip my head, half-smiling at him. "I think I got that the first time around."

"I won't..." he drops his eyes to the sill before continuing. "I won't cross over the line again. I respect you. And him." He adds as an afterthought.

"Spike," I close the distance between us to sit on the sill facing him, our knees touching. "Despite everything that's happened in the past few years, I trust you - feel better when you're around." His eyes widen humorously. "You've proven yourself to me time and time again.." I let my eyes drop to the carpet. "I love Angel, that will never change."

"I know that. Always have if I want to be honest with myself. Though I feel we've established something here."

"We have."

An affectionate smile touches his lips. "You tell me what you need me to do."

"As soon as I know, I'll let you in on it." I squeeze his hand as our eyes meet. Oh yes, there is something between us. More than friends, though nowhere near what Angel and I share. It's comfortable and familiar. "I'm gonna grab a shower. Then I think I should go look for Angel. If he's as confused as I am..."

"I'll keep an eye on things 'til you two return." His confidence is growing. I can see it, and it's a huge relief. With more Potentials bound to arrive, I can't keep watch over all of them. And work. And patrol. And sleep.

Maybe that whole 'keeping Slayers sequestered away' was a good idea. You grow up, you learn, you train, you die.

Simple.

Then again, I would have missed out on knowing Angel, of experiencing our love. As traumatic as it can be, I don't think I would trade that knowledge, that feeling. Hell, look how quickly it devoured us this evening. Just thinking about it causes a tingle inside me. The shower feels good, but I feel guilty, like I'm washing away something sacred. Something I can never have again. Of course, I shouldn't have had him this evening.

I had thought that I understood why he left after graduation. Yes, I was bitter and upset, but tonight proved just how right he was to leave. Our defenses break down too easily when we're needy.

I towel off, trying to figure out what to say to him when I see him. I refuse to apologise for our actions. God, I can't even say it in my head.

We made love. There. I said it. Doesn't make me feel any less guilty.

Spike's no longer in my room when I drop my clothes off. Instead I can hear them laughing downstairs. I take a quick look around as I grab my stake. Hmm, he even tidied up a bit. I could get used to this.

They are all in the kitchen when I get down there. "Any sign?" I aim at Spike as I reach into the fridge, grabbing a can of Coke. Sugar and caffeine sound really good to me right now. He shakes his head as I guzzle it down. I catch one of the girls looking at me. "What? Do I have Alfalfa hair or something?" I reach up pretending to smooth down a cowlick.

"I've just never seen anyone down a can of pop like that, and not belch."

I eye the new girl before laughing, crunching up the can as I toss it into the trash can across the room. "Lots of practice, school lunch, spares - all cut short by unexpected demon slayage, or Watcher nagging." I playfully toss a look at Giles as he enters the kitchen. He just looks at me for a second before a stern grin appears on his face. I've missed those.

"If one would have shown up for training on time, one's Watcher would not have had to nag."

"That would have taken all the fun out of listening to your lectures." The girls look scandalised as Giles and I joke around. Maybe the Slayer Handbook would not have been any good for me. There's a weird niggling in my gut, but I chalk it up to Spike, and my encounter with Angel. Plus I'm really hoping Angel is outside waiting for me.

I stroll out the door, opening my senses to him. He's nearby, that I know, but it's been too long, I can't narrow down where. I let myself walk, just aimlessly, hoping I'm not so far gone as to pass right by him.

It doesn't take long for me to find him. He's leaning against the old tree in front of my room. It blocks us from view from the inside. We need to talk, but alone.

"Hi," he announces, shyly, stopping himself from touching me.

"Hi." The simple greeting comes easily. I'm not letting him out of this so easily. I reach out to touch his hand. Our fingers intertwine.

"I'm sorry I ran off like that," he begins slowly, carefully. I wait, more than willing to listen - for once. "I just.... If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been able to stop again."

I nod at him, truly understanding. "Just don't apologise for it happening."

"No. Never. Only for the consequences." He reaches for my other hand.

"I understand now, Angel. I'm sorry it took me so long." God, I just want to hold him, to be held by him.

He lets go of my left hand, his fingers gently trailing over my cheek instead. "I shouldn't have reacted as I did - about Spike."

"Probably not." I offer a weak smile. "I'm glad to know how you feel though." He returns my smile, soft and loving; similar to the way I remember him looking at me that night, after we made love the first time. I didn't realise that I needed to see it. I hold his hand against my face, cherishing the feel for a minute longer before we both back slightly away. "I won't hold it against you."

I can literally see him heave a sigh of relief.

"I'm not eighteen anymore, Angel." I'm oddly stung by his reaction.

"I didn't.... I never meant to hurt you, in any form. And with the way things are now..."

I can't help myself as I step closer again. "You mean the world to me, Angel. You always have. I understand more tonight than I have in years. This isn't about us anymore. It's about our fight to help people." Tears sting my eyes as I watch him fight his own. "I love you, more than anyone, or anything. We're friends, best friends and I don't want to ruin that with selfishness."

"Don't ever doubt the strength of my love for you, Buffy." He looks me over, head to foot, as he had done earlier. "You've changed so much in so little time."

"So have you." The niggling in my belly is getting stronger, to the point of being painful. "I hate to break this, but do you sense anything?"

He straightens, scanning the area. "Now that you mention it." His body tenses.

"Can you tell from which direction?"

He shakes his head slowly, looking more carefully into the darkness.

I jump as the shattering of glass breaks the silence. We both bolt around the house to find the windows and door broken in.

I vault up the stairs, through the back door and onto one of the Bringers, sending us both to the ground. I stand quickly, barely avoiding being slashed as he rights himself. I keep forgetting how fast and strong these demons are. There's no room in here. I'm stuck between the kitchen and the den. It takes another swipe at me. I lurch back, hitting the wall, feeling the sting as the knife cuts my stomach.

Now I'm pissed off.

I hurdle over my attacker, grabbing his arm in the process. Roaring triumph runs though me as I hear it snap. The knife falls to the floor in front of my feet. I snatch it up, beheading the demon in one angry swing.

I take the time to look around. Angel and Spike have done some damage as well. There are two other Bringers lying oddly across the floor of my living room. Kinda grotesque really. The last two are beating a hasty retreat.

Three other girls are cut, as well as Anya - surprisingly. I would have figured her to have ducked and run the instant the shit hit the fan. Was that mean?? Oh well; truth hurts.

Xander and Willow are looking after the others as I step back outside. The feeling is pretty much gone, but not completely. It has me on edge, worried, scared.

"You okay?" Angel asks from behind me. Somehow I knew he was there. 'Angel radar' seems to be kicking in again.

"Yeah, just a nick." I touch the tender spot just above my waistline. It's not even bleeding anymore. "I had wondered how long The First would wait."

I hear his snort, "didn't figure it to be the patient type. Though I didn't figure it to be irrational either."

I shrug, still scanning the streets. "It's not the first time they've done this, doubt it'll be the last. Though last time they used the front door, and took Spike"

"You two alright?" Spike moves to the edge of the deck, cutting off anything Angel might have been about to say. The others on his heels.

"Just making sure they're gone." I turn back, ready to talk to the girls - some kind of pep-speech. The bluey-green glow from the living room stops me. Angel glances at me, feeling my shock before glancing into the house, blinking in surprise as he moves toward it.


	8. Chapter 8

Two broken people can never go back   
They blame each other for the things they lack   
They have no concept of the danger they're in   
There's no accounting for the wages of sin

You say that love is holding you down   
I watch you walkin' away   
I look for something that could turn this around   
There's nothin' I can say

In the middle of the night...   
I'm calling   
Can you hear me whisper your name   
In the dying of the light...I'm falling   
But it feels like the morning may never be coming again   
Never again, never again   
~In The Middle Of The Night - Triumph 

 

I could feel it pulling at me, like it was pulling at him, drawing us back into the house. Willow is calling behind us, trying to warn us, but I can't ignore this, I don't know if I could fight it if I wanted to.

There are two being floating in my living room, staring at us.

"You're dead?!" Angel whispers, staring up at them and sending chills down my spine.

"Do you honestly believe so?" she asks as they take form. One's male, the other is female both with greenish translucent skin. I'm feeling oddly calm - all things considered, but Angel has a death-grip on my hand, he's trembling slightly.

"But I saw...?"

"Our corporeal forms, yes. But, as you both know, things are not always as they seem."

Great, more cryptic, or is this The First playing more games?

"You are more than we expected, Chosen One." She turned to me, smiling slightly. "We are not here to harm, only to help."

I glance up at Angel. His mind is working a mile a minute, I can see it easily in his expression. He recognises them, but is thinking the same thing I am. Catching movement behind us, I find Willow and Xander at the French doors with a few girls behind them, the rest stand at the kitchen door, gaping at the spectacle.

"Then why appear to us now?" Angel asks curtly.

The female comes closer. "We had united you for a specific reason. We had no idea that your greatest strength would be your greatest weakness. Both of you." I shudder. I've heard this before, we both have. "The Great Warrior and the Chosen One are to fight side by side."

"The Romany were given the Curse by us." The male continued.

"The Vengeance they included was not foreseen." She completed.

My eyes snap to Angel as he looks stunned at the figures.

"Your true strength lies in each other." The male is pacing around us, unnerving me. "Though tonight's display proves we must intervene once more." He looks at us pointedly, as though we are children to be reprimanded.

I blush deeply. I know I'm being watched from time to time.... Even Angel looks contrite.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of. We have all seen what you are capable of. What it is you battle." She floats closer to Angel. He's no longer shaking, if anything he looks fascinated, calm. "You have given so much to the path you follow. It is time for us to right an unforseen, and tragic wrong."

"Your life force can be bound." We both start at his words.

"How?" Angel asks cautiously.

"You must drink," the female motions to me. "It must be freely given, as it was before."

Angel turns wide eyes towards me. The calm I had felt turns into confidence. We can do this. Easily.

"How do we know this is not a trick?" Angel fiercely turns back to them.

"You have sensed us before, you know what we are." The male seems impatient, while the female smiles at us.

Angel focuses back on me. "Buffy...?"

"We can do this, Angel." I voice my thoughts.

"I.. I don't know if I can..."

"You're not weak this time." I slip my light shirt off my shoulders revealing the tank top underneath. He looks uncertainly at me.

"There can be no hesitancy." The male informs us.

"You've given me so much, given me my life so many times. Let me give you yours." Something in his eyes shift, I can see I'm getting through. I turn my head towards Willow. "I'm trusting you to make sure no one interferes."

"Not a problem." Her voice is firm, understanding what is about to happen.

"And if it's a trick?" Angel gives me another out, or possibly himself another excuse.

"There are enough of us around to take care of things. I trust you, Angel. You took care of me last time, when you were sick." His head drops, still unsure. "There are no strings attached to this. Wherever our lives go afterwards, I won't hold this against you."

I see him relax slightly. He looks back up at our guests. "What do we do?" There's resolution in his voice.

The female smiles, obviously relieved and for a moment, I wonder how much of this is for him, and how much is for them. She looks at me briefly with a knowing expression. This is too freaky.

"Just as the last. Drink, and we will take care of the rest. You must take as much as you did before."

Angel turns back to me, stepping closer, his hands on my shoulders. "Are you sure?"

"Completely." I glance over my shoulder at my best friend. "Will?"

"Ready. You can depend on me."

I smile at her. "I know."

My heart's pounding as Angel steps closer. His hands slide up my body, one resting between my shoulder blades, the other cradling the back of my neck as he tips my head. I let him position me, my hands gripping his hips as I wait. He pulls me tight against him, his cheek brushing against my temple, down my cheek before I feel his breath on my neck, right above his mark. Just the feel of him so close causes me to shiver.

"I won't hurt you," he gently promises as he kisses the spot. I feel him change, his ridged brow against my cheek. I hear a few of the girls gasp from the doorway. He pulls me closer, tightening his grip, tipping my head further. I let my head and neck relax, pressing myself closer to him, cherishing the feel of his body against mine once more. He suckles on the scar, causing me to arch up against him. I feel him smile. How could he ever have doubted who I really belong to?

The sting startles me as he breaks my skin. I hear Willow chant something and the magic floods the room briefly. He bites down tenderly. There is no wild bloodlust, just passion as he drinks. My arms grab onto him, my body pushes into his bite. I want more of him, all of him. I feel him harden against me and my body responds to it. If this is all I ever have of him again, I want to savor it. He drinks slowly, his hand lightly caressing as his other hand holds my neck with such gentleness. Even now, he's thinking about me, loving me in the only way he can. The world begins to fade, I hear myself whimper. I try and press closer, still, I'm losing the feel of him. He tightens his hold on my back, keeping me close as my body sags.

I love you floats through my mind. He takes a deep pull, swallowing slowly as the darkness claims me.

*

I awake in my own bed, Angel sitting in the chair beside. My muscles ache and my head is softly throbbing. "Angel?"

He shifts immediately to kneel at the edge of my bed. "How are you?"

I think for a second, taking stock of everything. "Better than I thought I would." Slowly I sit up, finding that other than being weak, and sore, I'm okay. Unlike the last time where I hurt for hours and was unable to move when I first woke.

"Here," he hands me a glass of juice.

"Thanks." Gratefully I accept it, downing it in a few swallows. I hand it back to find him smiling brightly at me. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. Really good." he gently places the glass on my nightstand. "I've never felt anything like this. I remember after the last time, the strength came nowhere near matching this."

'But did it work?"

His smile brightens. I don't think I've ever seen him like this, so open, so relaxed, so happy. "I believe so. Just before you blacked out, she chanted something and I felt it expand inside me. It's the most incredible feeling."

I touch his smiling face, needing to feel his skin. He's still warm from feeding. "How long have I been out?"

"About an hour."

"That's it?"

"She also cast a healing spell. One for both of us."

I should have known. "So those were the Oracles." He nods. "I guess we will always be watched, huh?"

He chuckles at my quip. "Might not be a bad thing."

I stare at him, wondering if he's thinking what I am.

"You're awake!" Willow happily calls from the doorway.

"That I am." I arrange myself so that I'm more comfortable sitting up. Angel moves to sit on the edge of the bed, almost in a protective position. I hide the smile at his unconscious actions. "Is there any news?"

Willow's joyous expression falters. "Well, now that you mention it..."

"What?" I ask, not wanting to be coddled.

"I was listening to the news while we were waiting, and it seems that there is no sun in LA"

Angel tenses, his mood immediately shifting to something dark.

"Maybe it's time to move this party to your place?" I suggest.

He nods sullenly. "I'll give them a call." He stands, exiting my room with long, despondent strides. I watch him, suddenly very worried. He had been so happy a few minutes ago, and now that's crashed back down on him.

"How are you two? Honestly?" Will asks perching on my bed.

"I feel pretty good. Much better than after the last time he drank me." Willow shudders at my blatant words. I'm not ashamed of what we did, I have no reason to be. Neither should he. "Will?" It was half a warning and half a question.

"Sorry. I've just never seen anything so scary and so romantic."

"'Willow the hopeless romantic' strikes again." I laugh, which seems to relax her.

"It took a bit to restrain the Potentials when they realised what he is." She shook her head. "The Oracles were too engrossed in you two..."

"We all trust you. The Oracles trust you. That should tell you something."

"It does, and I'm feeling better. The power still scares me, but, that you trust me, after everything - it means a lot."

I take her hand, squeezing it confidently. "We all make mistakes, Will. We just have to learn from them and move on."

I was rewarded with another one of those bright Willow smiles. "So we're going to LA then?"

"Yeah. I think the First will follow, but with our combined teams, I think we have a better chance at stopping this whole apocalypse thing."

"More research!" she announced happily. Some thing never change.

"And more room for everyone. I'm beginning to feel like a sardine."

"Hey, yeah, Angel owns a hotel! This could be fun."

I laugh with her enthusiasm, not wanting to rain on her parade with reality - yet.


	9. Chapter 9

These wounds won't seem to heal   
the pain is just too real   
there's just too much that time cannot erase.   
~My Immortal - Evanesence

***

The drive to LA was uneventful. Okay, it was down right boring. At least   
with all the vehicles, and Giles renting a min-van (I never thought I'd see   
the day), we managed to drag all the girls with us in one trip; each car   
protected by one of the 'elders' as Leah - the newest Potential - has now   
dubbed us. I still can't get over the fact that Angel - a vampire - drives a   
convertible. Boggles the mind.

Principal Wood was not impressed with my 'leave of absence'. Though he   
shocked the Hell out of me by revealing he knows that I'm the Slayer. I must   
have looked like such a dork with my mouth hanging open. He then proceeded   
to inform me that he had heard about L.A. and wondered if that's where I was   
going. So all-in-all, I still have a job if Angel can't arrange things, and   
possibly a new ally.

I follow Angel's car around the back of the building.

"Anyone got the time?" I ask as I detangle myself from behind the steering   
wheel. And I wanted to learn to drive so badly for what reason?

"About that time." Xander ever so helpfully supplies, earning him a nasty   
look from not only me, but Angel, Giles and Anya. He shrugs, gathering luggage.

"A little after 11." Giles informs me. I guess we are all getting used to   
being up during late hours. Slayers, Potential Slayers, Watchers, helpers,   
night-hawks - all of us.

'Where's Spike?" Angel asks as he leads us up through the rear gardens of   
his home.

"Fixing his car. He figures he should roll into town tomorrow night."

Angel shakes his head. "Does he still have that DeSoto?"

"Yup, and it spends more time in the garage than on the road these days.   
Says he can't part with the old girl." We share a quick chuckle.

Yes, we are fooling ourselves, joking around like this. I had time to think   
again on the trip here. The girls mostly kept to themselves, chittering away   
as we ate up the miles, giving me time to brood. I think I might have to ask   
Angel about tips to improve my abilities.

The sun has been blocked out, The First is still after us, there's a Beast   
loose in L.A.. It's a 24 hour self-serve for the demons in this town, and   
Angel and I have our own personal demons to fight. It's funny, Wil had once   
used that metaphor to cover something Cordelia had said in school. Now it's   
staring me in the face.

Spike was stalling, and I damn well know it. There's nothing wrong with his   
damn car. He just wants to wait for the fireworks to settle before he joins   
the game. Wimp.

The ground floor of the hotel is brightly lit. I overheard a bit of Angel's   
conversation home. He had spoken briefly to Cordelia, all the while his body   
was held tense, strained, as he fought to keep his emotions in check.

I've known Angel a long time now (okay, not long in his perspective.) He's   
always been a master at cryptic and poker face. Now he's wearing his heart   
on his sleeve and it frightens me - this turnabout in his behavior, in our   
roles towards each other. I glance at him, literally watching him close up.   
Maybe things aren't so far gone.

As we enter the hotel I try and gauge the Potentials' reactions. Angel and I   
have discussed where he lives, who he lives with and so on. They have never   
seen demons up close before. This should be interesting.

"Welcome. Welcome. Welcome!" The gregarious, bald black man calls out, his   
grin increasing a few notches as a good ninety percent of the girls jump.   
Angel just shakes his head as he makes his way down the stairs and into the   
lobby.

"It's good you're home, Angel." A soft spoken girl appears from the office   
behind the reception desk.

"Fred, Gunn," Angel nods quickly at them, confirming my suspicions as to who   
they are, his mood darkening quickly. "Is everything set up?"

"The rooms are ready, just like you asked. Our guests can work at cleaning   
up the rest of the rooms in that hallway for any other arrivals." Angel   
stiffens at Cordy's voice. She obviously has no idea why he bailed, or why   
he's acting as he is. She just glares at me instead, like it's my fault - as   
usual. Fury boils up inside me, neck and neck with the long-felt jealousy.   
She could have had him. She had been his best friend, his confidant and she   
threw that all away. Maybe she really isn't the dating Slayer she had once   
proclaimed herself to be. Funny how after so many years, after we have both   
grown to love Angel, that that comment still stings brilliantly in my soul.

I glance up at him, his eyes are pleading with me to leave it. I give him an   
almost imperceptible nod, for which I receive a grateful, partial smile.   
Probably the best I'm going to get for awhile.

"Hey, Angel." A green skinned, red horned guy strolls into the room, causing   
the girls to squeak, gasp and a variety of other shocked reactions. I just   
shake my head. Had I been this naive?

"Lorne, I'd like you to meet the Slayer line." Angel gestures to the girls   
who are moving from behind us, to the front of the foyer, chatting with the   
AI team. I guess they figure since none of us are phased by having a demon   
in our midst, they shouldn't be either.

He looks them over breifly. "Hey, kids," and dismisses them, his eyes   
landing on me. "And you must be the Slayer."

"I'd like to say the one and only, but we both know differently."

He steps closer, causing Angel to slide towards me in his unconscious   
protective gesture. Neither Lorne, nor I miss this. "Yeah, well, let's not   
go there, huh, Sunshine?"

He's a soft spoken man - I don't want to refer to him as a demon, it would   
be like referring to Angel as a demon - and though I know he is one, it's   
not who he is.

He keeps looking from me to Angel, and back again. Wigging me slightly.   
Angel stands stone faced, almost willing the other man to say something   
contrary. Finally Lorne relaxes, I'm going to assume he saw whatever Angel   
wanted him to.

"I take everything I ever said back." Lorne shakes his head, smiling softly   
at Angel. "You were more than right. This is kyrumption if ever I saw it."   
Angel just nods, looking relieved, then smiling at my confused expression.

"Later," Angel promises me in a soft tone of voice.

I look over Lorne's shoulder at the group of ten girls, one Watcher, one   
witch and one civilian talking raptly to one seer, a civilian researcher,   
and one rather well built demon hunter. Gunn is certainly easy on the eyes.

"Something I should know about?" Angel asks jokingly over my shoulder.

"Nothing for you to worry about." The answer comes easily. Too easily in all   
reality. I have no right to flirt with him. Okay, we made love in the   
graveyard - kind of - he fed from me, nursed me back and now we're here, in   
his home, trying to kill yet another seemingly omnipotent demon to avoid yet   
another apocalypse.

"Where's Wes?" Angel asks Lorne.

"Announced he was going shopping this afternoon, haven't heard hide nor hair   
of him since." Lorne shrugs before moving off into the office area.

I sigh tiredly - which I very much am. Angel reads me perfectly, again.

"Lets get everyone settled, then call it a night. We can regroup in the   
morning ."

"Is there anything else you need, Cordy?" A male voice called as the figure   
jogged down the stairs.

I turn to come face to face with reality. My heart stops as I meet Connor's   
gaze.

The same gorgeous brown eyes and hair as his father. But, his eyes are hard,   
his thoughts calculating as he returns my stare.

"Connor, I'd like you to meet Buffy, the Slayer." Angel steps in while I   
regain what's left of my composure.

"Yeah, hi," he responds before casually descending the last of the stairs to   
join everyone else.

I take a deep breath. He is everything I had ever wished for. Angel's son.   
So alike in looks, so different in personality. Then again, maybe not. He   
was guarded with me, just as Angel has been from time to time. Now that he's   
talking to Cordy, he's opened up, relaxed.

Angel's hand on my shoulder jolts me. "Let them fight it out. Let me take   
you to your room." I nod silently. He starts up the stairs, taking me down   
the first hallway a bit before stopping in front of a door. "Here," he   
reaches past me to open it. The room itself is fairly plain, typical   
hotel-y, it's clean and neat.

"They must have gone through a great deal of hassle to get rooms ready for   
us." I comment stepping inside.

"Actually, I like to keep the rooms up, if I can. We frequently have people   
stop by who need help. Lorne has guests stay on a regular basis," he   
comments matter-of-factly.

I turn around to smile up at him. "I haven't said thank-you yet. You've done   
me a great favor doing this." I gesture around the room.

"You're welcome. You did more than I could have asked for by accepting me   
the other night." His head drops, but I don't miss the fleeting expression   
of pain.

I open my mouth just as a figure appears, then disappears near the doorway,   
behind Angel.

"What?" He asks concerned.

I do a double-take. I didn't feel anything, and whatever I thought I saw, it   
isn't there. "Nothing," I shrug it off.

He searches me for a moment. "If you need anything, I'm right across the   
hallway. Lorne is around the corner, and the girls will be one flight up."

I smile gratefully at him.

"Don't look at me like that, Buffy."

The smile turns quickly to a frown.

"We all have reasons for doing the things we do. Not all of them are   
straight forward, or completely honest." He takes a step closer, causing my   
heart to skip a beat in anticipation. He freezes suddenly, as if realising   
what he was about to do, before backing out the door, shutting it gently.


	10. Chapter 10

I had slept like shit. The girls have the heaviest feet, feet that will get them killed. Slide that into the list of things we have to teach them. First lesson - how to tread softly. Being in my own room, with Angel across the hall was a relief.

I can feel him again. That bond between us had faded over the years. After Graduation I was able to feel him even though he was here in L.A. Yet the other night, I had only a small tingle to let me know he was on my doorstep. Logically, I would think it has something to do with him feeding from me. I'd also like to think it has something to do with our encounter in the graveyard; that it connected us on that intimate level once again.

Childish musing really. I shouldn't look a gift vamp in the mouth. Of course I'd much rather be kissing that mouth.

After dragging my ass out of bed and into a long, hot shower, I make my way downstairs. Thankfully I kind of remember where I'm going.

Angel's in the lobby, going through a stack of papers and booklets.

"Morning," I greet.

"How'd you sleep?" Angel glances over at me quickly before going back to sorting out papers in front of him.

"Terribly."

Angel snickers, "yeah, they have to learn the fine art of sneaking around."

I should have known. If I had a rough time with the noise, his sensitive hearing must have been driving him nuts. "Is anyone up yet?"

He shakes his head no. "You're the first I've seen. Cordy's been staying at Connor's flat, Wes has his own apartment; plus with things as they stand between us, I figure he'll show whenever he's ready. Haven't heard a peep from Gunn and Fred's wing, nor from Lorne, but he tends to be a late riser." I absorb this as he faces me with a small bankbook in his hand. "Actually, I'm glad that I have a chance to talk to you this morning. I made some calls last night, got a few things sorted out, and these were delivered to me about an hour ago." He hands me one.

I glance from him to the little booklet. $2 000 000.00. I blinked. That can't be right. Yet every time I look, the number of zeros remains the same. I look back up at him, catching his dark, worried gaze. "Two million?" I practically squeak the question.

He nods, unsure of what my reaction means.

The tears sting my eyes as I launch myself at him, squealing in laughter as I hug him tight. He almost falls over, I caught him completely off guard. After a second he returns my hug. "Thank you. That doesn't seem like enough."

He tightens his hold for a moment. "It's all I need."

We break away as a discrete clearing of a throat alerts us to someone standing behind me.

"I don't mean to disturb you.."

"Actually," Angel interrupts my Watcher. "There's something we'd like to discuss with you."

I give Angel a funny look, then realise what he's talking about. Of course he would have thought about this. I probably would have too - eventually...

Poor Giles looks worried as Angel gathers up the papers before leading us to his office. Giles drops slowly into a seat in front of Angel's desk as I perch on the corner, while Angel grabs the other chair.

"I've taken the liberty to set up an account for Buffy and myself."

Giles' eyebrows raise a notch. I try not to smile at his reaction, knowing it's going to get worse.

"I think we both see the toll trying to make a living has taken on Buffy. With the Potentials now in her care, plus the added expenses of our lifestyles, I've begun selling off some of my artifacts and set up a joint account."

Giles' eyes widened for a moment before clarity entered his eyes. Then awe, then . . is that fondness? From Giles towards Angel?! Things are getting really strange now.

"What I'd like is for you to act as Executor. If anything should happen to myself, the funds will automatically transfer to Buffy. If something should happen to Buffy, I'd like to set it up that the funds are transferred into a trust fund for Dawn as well as a portion going into another fund to support the Potential Slayers that you would oversee."

"I have a will set up." I piped up, shocking them both. I toss a look. "I'm a Slayer, which equals short life expectancy. And after the battle with Glory, I wanted to make sure Dawn was taken care of. I've left the house to Dawn, and the number to my account, which doesn't contain much."

Giles nods slowly. "I'm honoured. That you both would choose me to over see your affairs..."

Angel looks pointedly at Giles, "If I can help it, there will be no need for your services, but just in case, I think we would both feel better knowing you would take care of things. I know it's a burden..."

Giles held up a hand. "It's no burden. Not to my eyes. Once you have the papers drawn up, I'd be happy to sign them."

"I'm also thinking about the care of the Potentials. We are the only ones left who can take care of them, train them. That takes money. We need somewhere for them to live; the house is getting mighty crowded." I bite my lower lip, trying to bring up my concerns while we are all here.

"I think I have a solution for that." Both Giles and I look expectantly at Angel. "Use the old Crawford house in Sunnydale."

"It's yours?" Giles asked.

Angel nodded slowly, looking guilty as always. "I never had the heart to sell it. I can easily transfer it into your name, or Buffy's." He half-shrugged.

"I think it would be better if it remained in your name for now. You are harder to trace; at least on paper." Giles qualified.

Angel smirksd, "Okay." He agrees after a moment.

"Is anyone up?" Fred calls from the foyer.

"Just let me know when everything is set up." Giles confirms before we all stand to join whoever else might be awake.

This perpetual darkness is disturbing. My system says it should be bright outside, but only darkness filters though the doors. I shudder as I look out over the gardens, seeing only city lights and a few stars.

Fred and Gunn are leaning on the reception desk, Lorne is sitting behind it munching on croissants - one of which I pilfer. Will is sitting on the ugly round couch in the centre of the foyer, a wooden coffee table covered in papers and books set before her.

"Find anything?" I ask sitting beside her. This couch might be ugly, but it's comfy as hell.

"Nothing." Fred joins us. "I've tried looking at these from all angles."

"What are these?" I pick up one of the papers. It's covered in odd lines and symbols.

"What Wolfram & Hart sucked out of my brain after I read Cordy, Buttercup." Lorne bitterly informed me.

At a loss, I looked sideways at him. "Meaning?"

Angel looks disgustedly at the page in my hand. "This is all the information we have on the Beast. Most of it is gibberish to us. It maps out a location. We found the Beast there, promptly got our asses soundly thrashed before the rain of fire began. Since that little discovery, we haven't been able to ascertain anything else from these."

And it was from that thrashing that Angel came to me. Okay, things are starting to make sense - in a small, round about form. "But Giles said he's seen this Beast before?" I look to my Watcher.

"I'm sure of it, I just can't remember where; and without the resources of the Council, I'm at a bit of a loss."

"I think we have another problem." We all spin towards the front entrance as Wesley guides a woman down the front steps of the hotel. Everyone within AI stiffens.

I can't believe this is the same man that sauntered into the library in Sunnydale all those years ago. He's changed so much. Gone is the cocky swagger, instead it's been replaced buy an air of confidence and self assuredness. There's a hardness in his eyes that knows too much about pain and loss. Angel had told me about the woman trying to slit his throat, but to actually see the scar across his neck causes me to shudder.

"What's she doing here?!" Lorne almost yells, grabbing one of the small knives off the desk - which frankly shocks me. I'd thought him so level-headed.

"Everyone at Wolfram and Hart are dead." Wes informs us as he gently lowers the woman onto the other side of the couch .

"Excuse me?" Angel steps forward.

"I'm the last, though I'm not sure for how much longer." She's beautiful - in that cocky, self-assured, bitchy manner. "The Beast stormed the building, killed everyone. I managed to escape." She glances at Wesley with a thankful look.

"This doesn't make any sense." Gunn paces in front of me.

"Must be my welcome home present." Angel comments dryly. "What happened, Lilah?" Angel moves closer to her, causing her to shift away. Angel's eyes narrow, "you're not scared of me, you never have been."

"What can I say, things change." The shift had caused her to wince, As she moves her hand away from her stomach, the large, growing red-spot becomes obvious to all.

"The Beast?" Angel inquired.

"Yeah. Funny how he spent our only intimate encounter talking about you."

Angel frowned, "How so?"

"Oh yeah," she quipped sarcastically, holding her stomach again. "He wanted to know all about his old buddy Angelus. Where you live, what kind of mayhem you've been causing..."

"I've never..." Angel pauses, wracking his brain for any clue. "I have never spoken with the Beast - besides the other night when he pitched me off a building."

I see sarcasm is running amok today.

Willow steps up, something in her eyes causing me to move closer as well. "Your wound, how long ago was it inflicted?"

Lilah looks to Wesley, who nods once. "About thirty six hours ago. Why?"

"I can feel the magick, it surrounds your middle."

"What?" Lilah moved her hand, taking a close look at the even larger blood stain.

Will kneels before her, lifting the once white, cotton top. "Medico!" She chants, touching the raw, open wound. Lilah gasps, stiffening in pain as the rest of us watch the wound heal before our eyes. As the wound closes, a trail of black, smoke-like fog oozes out of her, leaving not a mark behind.

Looking astounded, the brunette looks from Willow, back to her own body, touching her now perfect skin to make sure her eyes aren't deceiving her.

Willow stands, her eyes slowly fading back to their regular blue from the black that consumes her while using magic. "Whatever that Beastie is, he sure uses some powerful mojo." She looks to me, "are my eyes blue?"

I nod reassuring her. "They never changed, Will."

"Oh good, so I'm getting better." Giles and I share a quick smile.

"I have also found a page of text on the Beast." Wes drops the book we have all seen numerous times on the reception counter.

"I've been through that book a hundred times, Wes, there's nothing..." Fred stops, shocked to the core as he opens the book to reveal a picture of the Beast only a few pages in. "How?" she almost squeaks.

"I found it on the trans-dimensional black market." Lilah aims a look directly at Fred. "something right up your alley."

May I now add childish to the list of words describing the woman sitting in our midst. The one who has yet to thank my best friend for healing her.

"Geez, Angel, you disappear for a few days and bring back Sabrina the Witch and her friends." Lilah stands, backing away.

Angel glares at her, enough of a look to cause her to look worried. "You're in my home, Lilah, been healed by someone who has been a friend since long before you knew I existed. You could at least show a little gratitude. Or do they train that out of you in Law school?"

"Angel," I touch his forearm, feeling a little of the tension drain out. The bond between us is radiating anger and frustration. He's too close to losing control.

"Well I'll be damned!" Lilah comes closer again, causing Angel to tense again.

"Probably." I hear Gunn mutter, I hold the smirk, Angel doesn't.

"You brought your Slayer back with you." Lilah nods approvingly. "Might get rid of that sexual frustration.... Oh wait, you can't." She spits malevolently. Angel has yet to tell any of his friends about what transpired. It's his business, his place to tell them, not mine; so I've held my tongue.

Angel walks right up to her, standing at his full height he looks down at her. The expression on his face is too reminiscent of Angelus. Even I'm freaked slightly as he speaks. "Jealous?"

She stands frozen for the space of a heartbeat before retreating back towards Wes. Angel just shrugs, then returns to his place beside me.


	11. Chapter 11

Angel's little outburst caused everyone to go their separate ways. Thankfully. Wes invited Lilah to go with him. That surprised me. They are lovers, that's more than clear; though it seems only Angel is privy to that information. Willow, Xander - who sauntered down the stairs after Wes left- and a few of the Potentials went off in hopes of doing some grocery shopping with Giles, Anya, Gunn and Fred. Stupid over-look if you ask me. Considering the on-goings here, we should have picked up supplies in Sunnydale before we left.

Spike chose that time to roar into town. He has a duffle bag slung over his shoulder as he saunters into the hotel. I watch him closely as he descends the stairs.

"You're tastes haven't changed much." Spike comments with a note of approval as his eyes roam around the large entranceway.

"Fills me with such joy that you approve." Angel snarks.

Both Spike and I give him an odd look. I guess Lilah's appearance frayed his nerves more than I imagined.

Ignoring it, Spike moves on. 'So, where shall I hang my hat?"

"Up the stairs, down the hallway straight in front, I have the first room, Buffy is across the hallway, you can pick any other room." Angel gives his instructions without looking up from the book Wes dropped off.

"Right then." Spike gives me a questioning look, which I shake off, before silently climbing the stairs to settle in.

I turn back to Angel, my concern rising another notch. He's always been the steadfast one; I hate seeing him so close to losing it. He's still leaning over that book, arms crossed on the table against his chest.

"Angel?" I place a hand on his back, slowly sliding it up to his shoulder. It's a mixture of comfort and caress. Maybe it's just an excuse to touch him.

He faces me with wide, torn eyes. My hand moves from his shoulder to his cheek, softly following his jawline. He turns fully, gently grabbing my hips and hoisting me onto the counter-top. From where I'm sitting, I have to look slightly down at him. He looks so miserable. My hands continue their wanderings over his face and he sighs into them, his eyes closing.

I lean closer to him, letting my lips brush over his. He jolts at the unexpected contact before relaxing against me again. "If you need to talk, Angel, I'm here to listen."

"I know," his voice is gruff, his soul exposed for a moment.

The front doors open,causing Angel to jerk away, leaving me regretting the loss of contact.

Cordy and Connor stroll in like they don't have a care in the world. I look at Angel, who's staring at Cordy, his eyes wide in shock. I look back to her and Connor, and other than the familiarity they share, I can't figure out the cause of Angel's reaction.

Cordy just glares at me, like usual.

Without a word, Angel turns and jogs up the stairs. A moment later I hear his door close.

"See what you do to him?" Cordy attacks, leaving Connor smirking at me. Oh yes, he's his father's son alright.

I hop off the counter, not bothering to answer her, instead I'm trying to find the page in that book again; Angel had slammed it closed.

She grabs my arm, turning me back to face her. I look from her hand on my bicep, back to her face. Her grip is surprisingly strong.

"You have no right to come here and mess up our lives!"

Didn't Xander say something of the same sort to Angel a few days ago? Funny how I now understand Angel's reaction to seeing me and Spike, then listening to Xander attack him. I feel the same need to go to Angel, to make sure he doesn't share her feelings. Yet my brain doesn't want to acknowledge that. Of course it was Angel who came to me, asking me to accompany him back to L.A.

"Another familiar face to be had." Spike calls down from the landing, startling Cordy and Connor. Connor's eyes narrow at the sight of another vampire in the hotel. From everything Angel's said about his son, I'm sure he can sense a vamp.

"Spike," Cordelia doesn't seem too surprised to see the blond vampire as he descends the stairs slowly, his eyes locked on Connor.

Stopping a few inches from the boy, Spike chuckles. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, now does it?" He even has the audacity to wink at the teen. I want to laugh at the enraged look on Connor's face, but I don't dare. "I don't suggest it." Spike comments casually, with only a hint of warning, his eyes flicking to Connor's right hand, which is lodged deep inside a jacket pocket. Connor's eyes widen briefly as he realises he's busted.

I hate to admit it, but I've missed this side of Spike - the arrogant bastard that tried to kill me time and time again. He brushes a kiss over my cheek on his way out, pulling a smoke out from behind his ear, lighting it and whistling as he strolls out. The whistling while smoking impresses me, I'll have to ask him how he does that one day.

"I don't believe you!" Cordy goes on. "What, Angel wasn't enough, you have to sleep with all the vampires in your life?"

I grab the material of my jeans to keep from plowing her one. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"He's evil!"

"He's got a soul." I softly let it slip to see if she's paying attention.

It's always nice to know I haven't lost my touch. Cordelia's jaw hangs open in the most unattractive way. Connor looks confused as hell.

"If either one of you lays a hand on him, you'll regret it," I warn before jogging up the stairs to seek out Angel.

*

I knock on Angel's door, half expecting him to ignore me. Instead, I hear the quiet, "come in." Slowly I open the door.

His room is warm, as I expect from him. He's sitting in an armchair, failing to look relaxed as he shifts a book in his lap before tossing it onto the table beside him.

"She hurt you very badly, didn't she?" His eyes drop to the carpet at his feet as he nods. "And I guess I didn't help much with my relationship with Spike?" His body sags, shoulders slump with guilt and depression. Oh God! "Wait, that's not what I meant," I rush on, then forcing myself to calm down, I take a breath. "Having Cordelia say the same things to me as Xander said to you, I understand so much more of what you're going through.".

"I just.. I don't know if I can handle much more." he stands, moving towards the balcony doors.

"Then let me help you. You've helped me time and time again. Talk to me, please." I move to stand behind him, not too close, I don't want to crowd him, or push him into something he doesn't want. I simply need to offer the support he's freely given to me so many times before. "Let me comfort you for once."

He sighs deeply, his hands resting on the glass in front of him. "She's pregnant."

I'm shocked beyond words.

He turns slowly to face me, the agony of betrayal showing clearly in the depths of his eyes.. "I doubt she knows it yet, but I can sense it," he tips his head about to say something he really doesn't want to. "I can smell it."

"Oh God," I barely whisper. I know he cared for her, loved her maybe - at least in the same capacity that I loved Riley. "I'm sorry that this has to happen to you. You don't deserve this."

"Don't I?" he asks bitterly.

"No, you don't." I tell him face on, as firmly as I can muster. "You once said to me that 'you can walk like a man, but you aren't one.' You were wrong. You are a man. If you weren't you wouldn't be going through this."

He shakes his head slowly, his eyes glued to the ground, his body hunched as if in defeat.

I can't let this destroy him. Not when he can live now. "I meant what I said before, there are no strings attached to us. I'm here for you, in whatever capacity you need me. Let me love you, for once." His eyes shoot up to meet mine, astonishment, and thankfulness shining through.

"You really do understand, don't you?" It's a rhetorical question, but it lets me know he's willing to open up, if only a little bit and let me take some of the burden off his shoulders.

I lead him to the bed, making myself comfortable against the headboard, I pull him down beside me, encouraging him to lay his head on my chest. I feel him relax, snuggling in, his arms wrapping around my middle. I curl my arms around him, my fingers sliding gently through his hair. I always remember being surprised at how soft his hair is, this time is no different.

"Am I too heavy?" His voice has a drowsy tone to it, though I know he's ready to move in an instant if I were to ask.

"Not in the least. You know I can take a lot," I tease and am rewarded with a smile. "Relax, Angel, if only for a little bit." He nods against me as I nuzzle into his hair, my cheek resting against the top of his head as his hands move over my belly, almost kneading like a cat, purring softly as he dozes.


	12. Chapter 12

"Ironic, isn't it?"

I glance at Giles from watching Angel and Spike work with the Slayers in training that afternoon.

"How so?" Wes chimes in, not taking his eyes off the group in front of us.

"That the ones periodically fired from the Council are the ones now overseeing the continuation of the Slayer lineage."

I snort darkly at him. "They had no idea."

"No, they didn't." Wes looks at both of us. "I remember coming to you as your new Watcher, thinking I was all that, ready to steer you back onto the proper path. I never apologised for that."

I smile up at Wes. It's been years since I've really spoken to him, looked at him, and he's changed, been hardened by what this life does to you. "You have no reason to apologise. I also remember a time when you boasted to Giles that you had 'even fought a vampire'." I mimic his tone and accent of the time. They both chuckle. "Now, unfortunately, you know what it's like. The Council didn't have a clue and paid the price." Is that bitterness in my voice? Aw shucks, forgive me for my lack of caring.

"They didn't. You were right in your assessment of us. We were a bunch of prissy suits hiding behind numerous books. To use your vernacular." He pauses briefly to watch Angel take down one of the older Potentials with ease then shakes his head, almost laughing at her. "We've learned so much from him; from both of them really. I know we were both rather upset with you when you risked yourself to save Angel's around abouts graduation, but I've never said 'thank you'."

I blink at him for a second. "I did it for purely selfish reasons."

He nods, "I'm aware of that, but look at the results. Those girls will never go through what Kendra did." Pain knifes through me at the mention of her name. "Giles and I have been discussing things. Once this threat has been averted, we will be sending the girls to school, letting them socially acclimatize, as you have." He looks at me fondly. They both do. I feel proud of my accomplishments, of having worked with them. "We want them to have the same love for life that you still carry."

"You guys do know the two reasons for that are standing in this room?" They look at me oddly, uncomprehending what I'm trying to tell them about my own selfishness. I look at my true Watcher - the man I respect with all my being, the man I consider my father in every way. "You and Angel, Giles, you both gave me strength, made me want to live when things got ugly."

"We know." Giles sent one of his knowing-fatherly looks around Wes at me.

"These girls will have so much, I envy them." Both guys look at me like I've sprouted a second and third head. "I was a spoiled brat when Merrik found me. I have to give him a lot of credit for putting up with me. But, in all reality, I think it was his death that truly woke me up. I didn't get it until then. Then when we met," I face Giles straight on. "I was so scared that I would cause your death as well." Realisation dawned in his blue eyes. I remember how soft his eyes had been when I first looked at him, despite everything I now know he has done in his life, he's somehow managed to retain some of that softness and a great deal of his optimism. "These girls, and all the rest that are born into this line, will have a home, a family, a purpose without the fear and the pressures I had. Even if they never get Called, I think they will continue to fight what they know goes bump in the night. We've started something pretty amazing here. Angel and Spike will always be there to lead them, long after we're gone. It's something the Council would never have utilized." Both men snort derisively.

"No, they wouldn't." Giles looks back at the group of girls, all of whom are trying to over power Angel, unaware of Spike sneaking up behind until he grabs a few of the girls, scaring the daylights out of them as he easily tosses them onto the mats; leaving both of said vamps chuckling.

"I was like that." Both heads snap back towards me. I snicker. "Seriously, when I first met Angel and started training with him I was just as clumsy. He taught me how to fight, how to use my strength. I was too afraid of hurting you, Giles. With Angel, once I knew what he was, I let loose." I nod my head back towards Angel. "And he used to laugh at me, just like he is now. It made me so mad. But, he taught me so much. These girls will learn the same. How to use their bodies, their instincts, their emotions to better themselves." I look up, catching Angel flipping one of the younger girls onto a mat, all the while his eyes are on me. I feel myself flush slightly under his gaze, even moreso as I realise he can see it.

"You have a valid point," Wes drags my attention back to him. "Xander, Willow, Cordelia, Oz, Gunn and Fred all proved how valuable civilian helpers can be - before some of them changed of course," he qualifies. "Think of how much stronger we'll be in our fight if we can recruit the Potential Slayers, then keep them helping the battle after their time to be Called has passed. From what I've read, they retain their instincts and hightened abilities."

Giles was nodding along side us, taking this all in, his mind running through all the possibilities and ramifications.

"Buffy?" Angel calls over to me with a grin. It's a challenge and I know it.

I haven't been out patrolling since the Bringers invaded my house and I'm itching to fight. Sparring with him might just be what the doctor ordered. I pull off my shirt to reveal a bra-top; I typically wear things like this when training, why should today be any different? I catch Angel's appreciative gaze as he shrugs out of his shirt. God, it's been so long since I've seen him bare-chested; it takes all my self-control not to stare. I catch the quarter staff he casually tosses at me. Looking over my shoulder, I make sure everyone else is settled at the far end of the workout room. I spot Lilah leaning against the far wall ogling Angel and wondering why she hasn't left yet.

"Ready?" he asks. I nod, focusing on him, his weight distribution, the gorgeous, mischievous smirk.

He taps my stick, testing. Once, twice, three times, he goes for the fourth and I swing the staff under him, trying to sweep him off his feet. His grin widens as he easily avoids. Our staffs clash with bone jarring blows. Both of us are smiling, trying to out manoeuver each other. We are matched equally in strength, this is a game of strategy. How can I upset his balance enough to get him down to stake him? I cartwheel over him as he tries to sweep my feet out. He turns just as I land, my instincts kick in to block his next parry. It's back to trying to out think him. Block, swing, attack, duck - over and over as we play-fight.

Angel takes an aggressive stance, swinging hard, changing strategies. It's almost too late when I figure out why, realising the tingling in my gut has nothing to do with Angel. Without breaking from the grueling rhythm Angel's setting, I kick out behind me, hearing Spike's grunt as I nail him right in the gut, sending him flying back. I hear the girl's amazed reactions and my ego swells.

Angel and I are both breathing hard, laughing at each other's attempts. He swings straight down at me. My arms go up to block. My staff shatters in two from the force of his attack. Simultaneously we throw the quarter staffs off to the side and go hand-to hand. He grabs me, flipping me over his back with ease. Hitting the mat, I roll, using my legs to kick out at him as I right myself. He's quick enough to avoid my legs, but not my punch. I land one on his stomach, the force of it sending him to his ass. I rush at him, he uses his legs to propel me over him instead. We both stand quickly.

I'm breathing hard, brushing my hair out of my eyes, enjoying this far more than I should be. Then again he's breathing hard as well, his smile bright, enjoying this lousy excuse of a sexual frustration outlet as much as I am.

He's a foot or so out of my reach at the moment. I take a step closer and lash out with a fist, he easily blocks with his forearm. I try again with my other fist, again, it's easily blocked. Both fists this time, aiming high and low on his body, hoping to confuse his peripheral vision. He takes the low hit, using that opening to land a hit on my body. I stumble back briefly, searching for another weakness in his stance. I throw small punches again, teasing, testing Swinging my weight, he goes for it, but he knows me, he doesn't fall for my feign, he uses it.

What I thought I saw last night suddenly materialises behind Angel's left shoulder. I freeze as the figure comes into clear view.

Angel pulls the punch in the last second, it's still enough to send me flying across the room.

"Buffy?!" He's at my side, inspecting my bleeding lip as I stare at the figure that has caught my attention. "Buffy?" Angel looks around, obviously not seeing what I am. "What do you see?"

My brain has yet to come far enough out of shock to answer him. I grab a weapon from the bench behind me and fling it. It goes through the smirking figure to imbed itself in the wall.

"You failed him you know. Just like you fail everyone else." The First casually leans on the wall, using Merrick's tall, lithe body and voice. I can't stop the scowl.

"Maybe, but I more than redeemed myself by saving Angel from you." I feel Angel tense behind me, figuring out what's happening. "Why don't you show yourself to everyone. If you're going to put on another show, why not entertain everyone?" I stand slowly, Angel following my lead.

"Jesus," Angel voices as I assume The First comes into his vision.

"Tut, tut, look at you; half-naked clinging to your half-naked lover's hand.." He moves closer to us, shaking his head. I hadn't realised I was holding onto Angel's hand until he pointed it out. Both of us ignore the gasps from behind us. "And marked again as well." He leans in close to the almost healed wounds on my neck. "Don't you think that's a little dangerous?"

"Together we are strong," I recite, causing Angel to stiffen.

The First's eyebrows raise, his mustache curling upwards in appreciation. "You weren't supposed to remember that."

I shrug at The First/Merrik. "You won't use us again. Everything you stand for, Angel and I represent the opposite."

"And what about all those you've allowed to die." He makes it sound so casual as he gestures toward the Potentials.

"It's called natural selection, and the Slayer line has been going through it since the line began." I return, just as casually.

"That's very cavalier of you, considering your audience."

"Maybe that's what the audience needs to hear."

"There are other ways to get to you, things you have yet to consider, to dare to dream about in your worst nightmare."

I try to look bored. "Haven't we been through this? Only last time you used Jenny's body."

It morphs into Jenny Calendar. "Is this more like it?" It uses her most seductive voice.

Ignoring Giles' strangled gasp, both Angel and I remain focused on what's in front of us. I shrug, "We figured you out the first time, we'll destroy you this time."

That evil smirk on Jenny's face is just too false to fall for. "You're a child, playing with matches." Circling Angel predatorially, it whispers to him. "You've been meddling in my affairs for far too long." It morphs again into a large demonic face before swinging over Angel and I, then dissipating. The girls - including Lilah, I might add with just a touch of sarcastic superiority - cower and scream as Angel and I stand steadfast, knowing it can't touch us.

"That was entertaining." Willow comments from her spot on the floor.

I glance over at her before chuckling at her deadpan comment.

"Buffy?" Angel touches my arm gently.

I face him, knowing exactly what he wants to know, the question and the anguish are written deeply in his eyes. Smiling sadly I place a hand against the centre of his chest, feeling the cool skin beneath my touch, remembering the warmth, the steady beat of his heart. "I promised you I'd never forget, and I haven't."

"How...?"

I shrug. "I don't know, I don't care."

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was gruff, filled with so much emotion; emotion he kept a tight rein on with others watching.

"I didn't remember right away. I went home, hurting so much from our conversation, wanting to know why. Then the dreams began, little things at first, things that made me think I was losing my mind."

"Like the pier?" He smiles, fighting back tears as mine slowly track down my face.

"That was the first one that made me wonder. I knew it was impossible for us to share a kiss in broad daylight. The dreams didn't stop there, they kept coming until I pieced it all together. As soon as that happened, I remembered it all."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"Because you were right." I have to take a deep breath, trying to keep my voice level. I don't blame him, I don't think I ever have. "You did what you had to do so we could continue helping people. It wasn't our time." I'm hoping he doesn't catch the veiled implication....

"I'm a little lost here?" Wes hands Angel his shirt as Giles hands me mine. I hadn't noticed I was starting to get chilled. "What was The First referring to?"

Angel takes a shuddering breath. "A few years ago, I was human for a day." Giles' eyes bugging out would be laughable on any other occasion. "Long story - short. Buffy and I were talking in my office when a Morah demon crashed in and attacked us. It got away. We went our separate ways to try and find it. Buffy searched the surface while I combed the sewers. I came across it, while fighting some of it's blood mixed with mine and voila."

"The Morah, if I remember correctly has regenerative qualities?" There is awe in Giles' voice.

Angel nods. "Buffy and I had one day together. Doyle discovered what the demon was, and what it represented. Foolishly I went after it alone, it almost killed me, but not until Buffy saved my ass, and it foretold some of what is to come. I went to see the Oracles again, they gave me some more information regarding the End of Days and our roll in it. They told me that since I had become human, she would die - sooner, rather than later." He spoke as if we were the only ones in the room, his eyes glued to mine, begging me to understand. "I asked them to turn me back. At first they refused. Then I explained to them that the Morah had done as it was intended; it took a warrior from their side. With that reasoning, they granted my request. They swallowed the day. Only I was to remember the events so I could prevent them from occurring in the same manner." The regret was tangible. If only we had known what was to befall us. I had died anyway, despite his sacrifice. It wasn't fair. We shouldn't have had to give up our happiness, not to end up like this anyway.

"What are the Morah's roll in the battle?" Wes pushes on, trying to keep us focused, I'll assume.

"They're warriors for the other side, as Buffy and I are for the Powers That Be. Basically they are assassins." Angel continues. "The one she killed said that together we are powerful." A light dawns in both our eyes. It had been successful anyway. We had been separated by necessity of the curse.

"In that case, what did the First mean with his comment about you meddling in it's affairs?"

"That's a question I have no answer to. Might just be playing mind games again."

I look at the group behind us. The Potentials have no idea what we're talking about and are quietly talking amongst themselves. Spike on the other hand - his expression is unfathomable. Rage, jealousy and shock radiate off him. Turning away from my gaze, he storms out of the hotel. I turn back to Angel who is watching me closely, gauging my reactions. It's all becoming too much again, too overwhelming.

"I think this might be an appropriate time to take a break, try to discover more about the End Of Days." Giles suggests.

*

I sit alone in Angel's office, going through one of the many old books he has stashed in here, trying to find something on The First. Angel, Giles, Wes and Gunn are crowded around the reception desk, partly researching, partly debating, partly arguing about God knows what. I'm enjoying a break from it all.

The Potentials who are not used to this level of activity are upstairs. From time to time I can hear them moving about, or coming down for some food. Xander, Anya, Dawn and Will have been sticking close to the girls - maybe they feel an affinity for them. Xander hasn't looked at me since my talk with the First, I probably pissed him off again with my comments.

Cordy and Connor were gone by the time Angel and I awoke. I know that's a volcano just waiting to erupt. Seeing Connor, the way he looks at Cordy, knowing what I now know about them.... I rub my hands tiredly over my eyes. Why can't his son see some of what Cordy sees in Angel? She's been with him for so many years, obviously loves him for them to have considered a deeper relationship, but she has yet to help Connor see that side of his father. I just don't understand it.

The Potentials are growing more distant - which might be a good thing. Wes and Giles seem to be developing a very good working relationship - which is a very good thing. Will, Xander, Anya and Dawn are grounding the Potentials, just as they once did for me. Cordy and Connor will be starting their own family soon - which is hard for me to grasp. Cordy is my age, to be pregnant is a scary thought for me, but maybe that's just my vocation speaking.

Where does that leave me and Angel? Fighting together? Living together? The curse is no longer a problem, but there's still so much between us. And what about Spike? Have we really developed a bond between the three of us, or will jealousy and possessiveness throw that out the window? A sigh escapes me, the book long forgotten in my musings.

"Knock, knock?" Fred's head peeks through the door, allowing Angel's voice to drift in behind her. "Can I talk to you?"

She's so adorably shy. "Yes, please, come in and distract me." I like her, I can't help but like her. She's been through so much, yet she maintains so much strength.

"I, um, wanted to ask you something." She's pacing in front of the desk I'm lying stomach down on.

Moving to sit cross legged, I turn the book upside-down before focusing on her. "Shoot."

"The First, it said you were marked...? Kinda like a vampire mark?"

I smile at her hesitation. "Yup. I've been bitten by three different vamps, four different times. But only Angel has marked me."

Her eyes grow wide as her mouth forms a small 'O'. "How?" She clears her throat. "What was it like?"

"To be bitten?" She nods. "Well, the first time I was sixteen. Angel and Giles had told me that I was going to die - some prophesy or other. I went down to kill the Master, who incidentally was the first to show me that there really is such a thing as 'thrall'. When he bit me, I was terrified, and it hurt so much. I don't remember much else until Xander and Angel revived me." That was a memory I'd long buried. Fred is now sitting in one of the chairs in front of me, listening raptly.

"The second time was Angel. Faith had shot him with a poisoned arrow and the only cure was the blood of a Slayer. That was a battle;" the memories of that night flood me. "He was ready to die, and I wasn't ready to let him go. We fought. He was too weak by that time to put up much of a fight. I was so scared I was going to lose him." I shook my head, trying to escape the memories, not wanting to give too much information away. "I know he tried to be gentle, but there was no way. I remember the sting, and then..." I blush deeply, facing Fred straight on. "You know what they say about how people react to a vampire's bite." I smiled pointedly at her.

"You mean...?" she flounders for a second. "You climax?"

I nod. "I didn't think it would be that way - I didn't feel anything other than pain and revulsion with the Master, but with Angel it was totally different. Maybe because he was marking me at the same time."

"Did you know he marked you?"

I shake my head. "No. I wasn't sure why the scar never healed, until after Dracula."

Her eyes went really wide. "THE Dracula?"

"One and only. Sleazy trickster he is too." Now she's shocked and amazed, possibly that I have the gall to call him names. "He is! He uses all this magick crap."

"So he really can turn into a bat?"

"Sadly, yes. And dissolve into smoke. I staked him, yet he came back twice. Asshole. His thrall is powerful too. He told me my power is rooted in darkness - like his." I shudder at that particular memory. "He came into my room while I was sleeping, like Angel used to do. He sat on my bed and saw Angel's mark, called him unworthy for leaving me, and at that point I was still really mad at Angel for going. Or maybe it had more to do with Dracula's thrall. Anyway, the next thing I know, he's behind me and he's bitten me. That one was painful too, on many levels."

"How so?" She frowns slightly at me, it seems such a misplaced expression on her face.

"Ever since I was with Angel, he's held a part of me," I begin, trying to figure out how to explain my feelings to her. Maybe to myself. "After Angel marked me, I never let anyone near the scar. I was with Riley for a year, and I never let him touch or kiss that side of my neck. I think he thought it was painful." A wry smile touches my lips briefly. "When Dracula bit me, he purposely went for Angel's mark, breaking through it. I was mortified when I realised what he'd done, what I'd allowed him to do." From the look in her eyes, I'm sure she understands. The loyalty, the love I feel for Angel, and the thought of betrayal was almost too much for me after I'd staked Dracula. "No one has touched that spot on my neck until a few days ago, when Angel..."

"He drank from you!?" the squeak was kinda cute.

"Yeah," I nod. "It was wonderful, no real pain, just the sting as he punctured my skin, then I was lost in him until things went black."

"But why...?"

"That's for Angel to explain, when he's ready."

Fred's smile was almost dreamy. "You make it sound so romantic."

I shrug guiltily, "With Angel, it is. But I love him, I trust him completely. Maybe it's the Slayer in me."

"Or maybe it's just what you and Angel have. I can only dream of having someone love me on that level."

I just look at her. "If I'm not mistaken, there's a rather nice looking guy out there that's smitten by you."

She blushes as her eyes dart to the floor. "We were, but something... happened."   
"Okay, I hate to be nosey, but Angel told me a lot of what's the what around here when we were talking. He mentioned things about you and Gunn. Can I give you a small tidbit of advice?"

"Please."

"This is a nasty and cruel business. You see things and stuff happens that you can't control. Forgiveness is divine. The road to it is extremely bumpy, and for some reason with all of us, filled with gut wrenching guilt."

She giggles, a sound that I would think should be annoying but is actually soothing. She already feels like a sister to me. She looks up, catching Gunn's eyes through the glass, and I watch her smile timidly at him. His eyes widen for a moment before a mixture of love and hope develop in their depths.

Angel waves a hand in front of Gunn's face, startling him slightly. Shaking his head at us, Angel physically turns Gunn's head back to the book they are reading. Fred and I look at each other before busting up laughing.


	13. Chapter 13

The alleyway behind the Bronze was lit by moonlight alone. I could hear people moving around me, yet I couldn't see them.

Walking around another building, I find Cordelia and Connor, they are walking close together, hand in hand, obviously in love and enjoying a quiet moment together. I turn back, respecting their time alone.

I can feel Angel, he's nearby, but not close enough to see. Doing his usual stalking from the sidelines. I smile at the familiar feeling. There are times I just like to know that someone cares enough to watch my back, even though I don't need it.

The scream startles me. I bolt back the way I came, towards the sound. Cordy is on the ground, an ever growing pool of blood surrounds her. She's in agony, yet I can't see what's caused this. Connor is on his knees at her side, calling for help, though no one seems to be listening.

I race back to the Bronze, to find a phone booth. Xander is casually leaning against the door into the club, looking smug, righteous. I yell at him to let me in, trying to convey to him the emergency. He doesn't budge. Using my Slayer strength, I push at him. It doesn't help. Looking at my hands, then back to an evil grinning Xander, I try to understand what's happening, why I have no strength

I run back towards Cordy. Rounding the building, I skid to a halt. The Beast is standing over them, about to grab Connor when it's suddenly picked up and thrown by an Uber vamp. In total shock I look beyond Connor, over the Uber vamp to see Angel watching things enfold as I am. 

 

I bolt upright, gasping for air, pitching myself off the dinky chair in the lobby. Looking around, I see the Potentials staring at me worriedly, then looking to Angel, who is sitting not far from me panting as well, looking as freaked as I imagine I am.

"It's been awhile since we've had one of those." I try to state calmly, climbing back into the chair.

"Those are not the dreams I enjoy sharing with you." His voice has a catch to it.

"You gotta love those Slayer dreams, never a pretty sight and more cryptic than you and Giles put together."

"That was..." I watch him swallow, his eyes are still dilated.

"Freaky?" I supply.

"I don't think that quite covers it."

"Wait, you two share dreams?" Kennedy asks us.

"From time to time." Angel's looking at me as if looking through me would supply the answers we both want.

"Care to fill the rest of us in?" Giles asks perched on the edge of the couch.

*

The evening was long and drawn out. Giles hounded us for details for two hours. It was obvious that neither of us enjoyed the dream the first time round, and though Angel's perspective was slightly different than mine, we saw the same events.

Sighing, Giles and Wes grabbed a few books before heading upstairs to 'look into this.' Some things never do change. Though I have to admit, seeing the Watchers in full swing is comforting. I've missed this flow in my life. Maybe I just missed the authority figures.

Seeing one of the girls bring down a boom-box, Angel makes a hasty retreat up to his rooms. Strolling into his office, I grab the book I had been trying to read earlier. Returning to the lobby, I hop up on the counter to lie on my stomach and watch the girls let loose.

Dawn and Xander are dancing and swinging around the lobby, narrowly missing various pieces of furniture as Will and I giggle helplessly and Anya complains incessantly about the choice of music; sounding strikingly like Angel at times.

As the hours wander on, the girls slowly make their way upstairs. We're seriously lacking in music selection at the moment and the girls get bored easily.

With a hug and a wave, Will makes her way to her room, leaving me alone in the vast lobby. I haven't moved all night, enjoying watching the Potentials and my friends interact. They're totally relaxed with one another - a fact I find myself jealous of. I know I have no reason to feel this way, yet right now, I feel so lonely in this vast hotel filled with people I know care in some form.

I reach for the CD player on the edge of the counter. Hitting the buttons, I find the song I've fallen in love with. I'd never heard of this band before - Evanescence - yet this one song has me captivated. The lyrics are almost too close to home. Leaving the volume up, I find myself singing along with the woman's haunting voice.

Near the end, I feel him watching me. Glancing up the stairs, I let my eyes scan the upper hallway until I find him, leaning on the railing, staring down at me. Lorne touches his shoulder before disappearing into the depths of the hallway.

Angel slowly descends the stairs as the music ends. There are times I forget how graceful he is, how he can move quickly, yet make it appear as if in slow motion. Or maybe that's my outlook on the moment. There's so much I don't know about him, about our lives, our destinies. Whistler hinted at things, things I never took the time to question him about; I was too absorbed in my own dealings at the time.

"How long have you been watching?" I ask, swinging my legs over the edge as he stands before me, settling between my knees.

"Not long, the music - well, what these kids call music, has had me..."

"No, I meant, when I was first Called." I pause, gathering my thoughts as he waits patiently. "Do you remember, when I disappeared for a few weeks?"

Angel nods, his eyes dropping to the floor for a moment. "If I remember correctly, your folks sent you to a mental institute."

"Yeah, they did. I was dumb enough to mention vampires to them." I take a deep breath, not sure if I want to share what I'm feeling. "Sometimes... sometimes I wonder if I still belong there." Angel's eyes dart to mine. I can tell he's ready to mow down that statement. I place a finger on his lips to silence him. "I just feel like I'm losing my mind."

"Seems to be a common ailment around here."

I don't appreciate his attempt at humour. I throw my hands in the air in an exaggerated gesture of frustration. "I know things are confusing right now, and yes, I know they are going to get worse. Yet, I'm feeling like I'm drowning - again."

"Why?" he asks softly, calmly.

"I dunno. When Giles showed up on my door step with the few girls he had located, I was stunned. When they kept coming, I was overwhelmed. When the Turok-Han appeared and beat the hell out of me after killing a few of the Potentials, I was terrified. Then you showed up on my door step." I found myself focusing on the button in the centre of his chest.

"How did that make you feel?" There's a slight hitch to his voice despite the calm rhythm of the question.

"Relieved, ecstatic, then more scared than I'd ever been when I realised how hurt you were; both inside and out."

He nods slowly, taking in what I'm saying - or at least trying to. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because I feel like I'm losing!"

"You're not."

"Didn't you see them?!" I try to jump off the counter-top, but Angel's hands on my hips hold me captive. "They don't even speak to me anymore." I point up the stairs. "Spike has been gone for hours. And..."

"And what?"

I tip my head, trying to read through his dark eyes, trying to figure out what's going through his head. "Why haven't you told your friends about your soul?" I ask as gently, and as softly as possible.

His eyes dart around the room before landing squarely on me again. "Because I think one of them is involved."

"What? Why?"

He shrugs, obviously confused. "I can't give you a reason, only because I can't give myself one. And after the dream this afternoon, I'm more convinced of it."

"Okay." He looks at me, shocked; causing me to smile. "I trust you and I trust your instincts. Where do you want to go from here?"

"Let me turn that around on you. What do you want?"

"You." I answer simply. "I want you. But I understand that you need time and space. If all you ever want from me is an ear to bend - then that's what I'll be." God, it was hard to say that. Yet the thought of losing him totally due to my demanding hormones is far worse than having his as a dear friend.

"Thank you." His whole body relaxes as he draws me closer.

Now I'm confused. "What for?"

He leans towards me, his lips brushing over his mark. My body responds without my consent. I arch up against him, grabbing onto his shoulders. I feel him smile. "It means this much to you?"

"Wha...?" I can barely think with him so close.

"Thank you for respecting my judgements," he answers my original question. "I'd forgotten what it's like to be with someone who values all of me." His lips caress his mark again, his blunt teeth gently nipping the side of my neck. I react again, I couldn't stop it if I wanted to. Clinging to him, wrapped around him, I feel his arms slide around me, sliding me flush against him. "I've seen a great many mates together in my lifetime. Vampire to vampire, and vampire to human as well. So few respond as you do when I touch you." He nuzzles into my shoulder, his lips brushing my skin as he speaks. "I hear your breath catch, your heart jumps, just from my touch. It tells me just how much you care."

"I love you, you know that." It still sounds completely natural to me to admit that.

"To hear it is one thing, to feel this," his teeth purposely graze the scar, causing me to moan softly into his shoulder, my arms to wrap further around his neck, attempting to draw him closer still. "This tells me what truly lies in your soul."

His hand slides up my back, tipping my head for his kiss. It feels so good to be with him like this - with no fears, no reservations. It reminds me of the open and passionate kisses we shared on the day that I was to forget.


	14. Chapter 14

Spike gently closed the door behind him. How he had managed to sneak in with neither the Slayer, nor his Sire noticing, he had no idea. Or maybe they had noticed him and were too engrossed in each other to give a toss. That was probably more likely.

Seeing them together again, locked in such a passionate kiss; he tried to squelch the rising emotions, the jealousy. He could pick out her heart beat. It was as familiar to him as his own voice. To hear it's hurried pace, knowing the reason was not him....

He tossed his coat onto a nearby chair. She had told him time and time again, yet he deluded himself into believing there was a possibility. He knew better, really he did. Angelus had marked her, and he was never one to let things he thought belonged to him lie about.

"You were never one for rights and rituals." Spike froze, recognizing the voice instantly. He turned slowly to face the small, brown haired boy standing across the room from him. "Do you honestly believe this temporary truce between you and your Sire will hold?"

"Of course I believe it you ninny." Spike turned, trying to keep a hold of himself.

"You want her, even now you're reaching out for her."

Spike paused, the jealousy he'd thought he could so easily ignore came rushing back. Obviously swallowing , he faced the image of the Anointed One.

"If I remember correctly, you killed me in the name of 'fun'. What makes you think things will be different?" The Anointed one strolled casually around the small hotel room, switching topics at will..

"Yes, I did, and I'd do it all over again, given the opportunity. In regards to your other comments, things are different, I'm not the same man." The games were afoot, Spike didn't have to think twice to know who was actually standing in front of him.

"Keep telling yourself that, and maybe you'll come to believe it."

"Meaning?" Crossing his arms in front of his chest, Spike leaned a shoulder on the bathroom door frame.

"Meaning you'd do anything just to get back between her thighs." Spike opened his mouth. "Don't even bother, I know your thoughts William." The evil sneer on the child's face sent a shiver down his spine. "Once you get through this 'phase', I'm sure you'll see the truth."

"And what might that be?" Spike was afraid of the answer. The First had played them, played him, but he had yet to outright lie.

"That the soul can't hold you back from who you are." With that the boy disappeared. leaving the blond vampire to absorb the implications.

** 

 

I let myself relax against his body, enjoying the feel of his hands on me; unhurried as he caresses the outside of my thighs, over my hips to wrap his arm around my back, his other hand continuing it's slow trail up my back to my head, holding me gently at just the right angle for his kisses.

My arms find their way around his neck, one hand sliding gently through his hair, scraping at his scalp. The other moving across his cheek to hold his chin. Just the feeling of his jaw working as we kiss sends shivers down my spine.

"What the hell do you two think you're doing?!"

Angel and I both jump as Cordy rushes into the lobby.

Angel's arms hold me solidly against him, unwilling to lose this intimate contact. "What we want to, for the first time," he practically growls at her before resuming the kiss. I can't help the small sigh as he licks my lips, asking for entrance, which I grant, teasing him by touching the tip of his tongue with mine, then retreating slightly. Hearing his frustrated growl, I smile against his lips. He takes advantage of the smile, parting my lips and lunging into the kiss. It's not like I'm fighting him.

"Are you two insane?!" Cordelia yanks on Angel's shoulder, effectively pulling us apart slightly.

His angry glare causes her to take a step back.

"Or is it too late already?" The genuine fear radiating off her was amusing. I can't believe how quick she is to think the worst of us.

"Do you not trust me?" It was a loaded question he posed to Cordy.

"Not when it comes to her!" She responds instantly.

Angel's eyes close slowly, then he nods once. "I thought you might feel that way." Keeping his hand on my thigh, he turns toward the ex cheerleader - who obviously has changed little since then. "You are no longer welcome here then."

"What?!" she squeaks, her eyes going wide. "What about the visions?"

"You haven't had any of late, not that you've informed me about." He took a deep breath. "I think we need a break. You, me and Connor. Neither of you have any respect for me, or for what I work for."

It hit me then. He suspects her. I should have seen it before. I flash a quick look towards Angel, making sure my thoughts are correct. His eyes are guarded, but the anger is still there, lying in wait for a reason to resurface.

"Maybe after a short 'time out'," he continues, "we can go back to some semblance of the way things were."

"But, Angel!"

He stops her advance with a glance. "Not this time, Cordy. You've shown where your true alliance lies." His eyes move quickly to his son, then back.

My heart broke for him as Cordy realised what he was saying.

"You saw.... us?" Angel just nods his affirmative. "Oh God," she whispers, panic-stricken.

"Good." Connor states in his haughty tone. Both Angel and I swing to look at him, amazed at his gall. "There's no more reason to hide, Cordy. They know about us now."

Angel's eyes drop from his son as he realises just how much of a teenager Connor truly is. I place a hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at me. No we won't desert them, they are family, but he's right, we need a break from each other; to sort out our emotions, and to deal with the threats.

"You're disgusting." Connor tosses at me as I caress Angel's cheek.

I smirk, something I've learned well from Angel. "Every child thinks the concept of their parents in love is gross." Angel's eyes dance with amusement as he catches the innuendo. He has yet to look away from me, something which delights me.

"Sleeping with a dead person, it's hideous."

I feel Angel tense. With a soft look I diffuse him. I'm not done yet. "Not as hideous as sleeping with the woman who changed your dirty diapers." I work to keep the malice from my voice, trying to remain neutral.

Cordy squeaks again, grabbing Connor's hand as she guides him out quickly.

I catch sight of Gunn and Fred coming down the rear stairs. He places a hand on Angel's shoulder. "Your lady, she has class." Angel and I have yet to move from our position of touching one another. "This lady and I are going out to try and find food, and quiet." Angel breaks away slightly to focus on Gunn. "I know!" Gunn stops Angel before he can get a word out. "We'll be careful. I'm driving, and I'm loaded."

"We're leaving you two alone." Fred hooks an arm under Gunn's, dragging him out of the glass doors.

"I can think of something to do now that we're alone." I comment slyly as the doors shut behind them. With my hand still on his cheek I bring his face back to mine. "Though the food idea does sound good."

"I have something for you to eat," he returns just as coyly

My jaw drops, face reddening at his crude comment before he tugs me in for a kiss that causes me to forget about food.


	15. Chapter 15

We were all summoned the next morning; Giles having returned from his foray with the Coven members here in the US, with not much luck.

For the first time since we left Sunnydale, I felt rested. Angel had lead me back to his room, where we had a very nice cuddle session, ending up in bed together with him firmly spooned around me. It was nice - better than nice, but unfulfilling. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll have to settle with his friendship and affection only.

The Potentials are sitting in the chairs and couches tucked off to the side of the reception area.. They had all grumped about getting up early, until Wes and Giles made it known that this was not up for discussion.

Wes stood over the girls in the most demeaning manner possible. "If you are to battle vampires and demons, do you not think you should learn how to out-think and out stratigise them? You all should have figured that brute force does not get the job done. Or should I have Angel prove this point - yet again."

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing out loud, even Giles' eyes were dancing with amusement. I keep gaining more and more respect for this new and improved Wes.

"I'm convinced I've seen this demon before, I just cannot for the life of me remember where." Giles is flipping through yet another of the books he brought back with him.

Angel is slowly pacing around us. "Could he possibly be cloaked?"

Giles eyes Angel for a moment, considering his suggestion. "It's a possibility, but to blanket ones self as such would take a great deal of power."

"Something our Beast probably doesn't have," Angel's brow furrowed.

"I wouldn't discard that theory yet." Everyone's eyes turn to Willow, even some of the Potentials seem to be getting into this. "That would explain the power I felt when I healed Lilah."

"If he's cloaked by magick, could he have...," I try to express myself using my hands, "removed himself from books as well?"

Giles turns to me aghast. See, I'm not just a pretty face - not that I ever was, but you get my point.

"Why would a demon of such power feel the need to hide?" Angel, Giles and Wes all look back towards the papers still scattered on top of the coffee table in the middle of the lobby.

The Beast bursts through the rear glass doors, sending everyone ducking for cover as Angel and I jump to attack.

I've never come across anything like him before. I punch it, only to bruise my own hand on the rock-like 'skin' covering him. Angel grabs his axe only to shatter it over the Beast’s head. The Beast casually bats me away, as if I'm no more than a gnat in his ear. He moves forward, aiming for the group of scattering Potentials.

Both Angel and I lunge at him. Our flying tackles cause him to take a step back before he sends both of us flying across the room.

Spike and Giles are trying to keep the Potentials out of harms way. The Beast chuckles, grabbing Angel, instantly stopping whatever attack he had planned, hoisting Angel off the ground by his throat.

"I once offered you a partnership in destruction, Angelus. You have obviously chosen sides." I watch, mesmerized as he lifts Angel above his head, pivoting towards the centre of the room.

My heart stops as I see what his intentions are. The wooden table we had our research spread out on has overturned in the tussle, leaving the legs jutting into the air.

My body leaps into action before I comprehend that I'm moving. Sliding across the floor tiles, legs-first I manage to kick the table out of harms way just as Angel's body lands on me. The wind rushes out of me, my ribs cracking under his weight as he tries to roll off me quickly. There was no way for him to spare me the bulk of his weight.

I roll onto my hands and knees as quickly as I can, but my body refuses to allow me to get any further until my lungs decide to accept air again.

"Isn't that precious," the mocking voice of the Beast taunts. I look up to find Spike and Angel standing in front of me - both in protective stances. Both growling as the Beast advances toward us.

"No!" Willow yells, breaking away from the Potentials. She begins chanting, her eyes and hair turning black as the rage and power engulfs her. The Beast, taken completely off guard by this waif of a girl, is helpless against her magick, flying back out the doors and into the night. I hear his roar of anger fading into the distance.

"Will!" Xander catches her as her body sags. "Come on, Willow, come back to me."

I watch helpless, terrified that I'm watching my best friend slip away again.

"Giles..." It was a pitiful whine, reminding me of the young girl I had met so many years ago. Instantly my Watcher is on one knee at her side, taking her from Xander, cradling her against him.

"Ground yourself to me," he gently instructs. Willow grabs onto his shirt, obviously struggling against the power. "Xander, back away." Giles doesn't look up, his entire attention focused on Willow's trembling form. Xander hesitates only a second before moving back.

Willow's hand on his shirt opens to press palm flat against his chest. "That's it. Let it flow. Centre yourself, then connect." Giles takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as he slowly releases it. I watch, amazed as he holds her, as she cuddles into him. Her hand begins to glow where it comes in contact with him. He seems completely at ease with her across his lap, accepting her power, dispersing it into wherever such power goes. Slowly the black recedes from her hair and her eyes are blue again when she finally opens them.

"I'm sorry," she chokes out, tears streaming down her face, not moving from her place in his arms.

"Don't be," he nuzzles into her hair, holding her close. "I believe you saved Buffy's life... all our lives." His voice is tender, gentle as he relaxes into a more comfortable position on the floor.

Our eyes meet. I can't help but smile at her. It was a sweet picture - her in Giles' arms. Something I'd never considered. How many times has he held me like that? Cradled me, comforted me when I needed him and no one else could. I'd taken for granted just how vital he is in our lives.

"Buffy?" Angel is kneeling at my side, diverting my attention from them. "Are you okay?"

My breath hitches slightly as I try to speak. "That's not exactly the way I want you on top of me." Willow snorts, trying to contain her laugher while Angel drops to sit on the floor, gathering me into his arms.

"I'll try to remember that." There's a relieved smile in his voice as he holds me.

My lungs are finally working as I rest my head against Angel's shoulder. Spike is standing guard between us on the floor. Oh yes, there is jealousy lighting his eyes, barely controlled and well hidden. I slide that knowledge to the back of my mind, taking stock of my already healing injuries and the gentle luxury of Angel’s arms instead.


	16. Chapter 16

"Why would anyone want to sleep with that anyway? Total bone-rack, no curves. Tell me..., what guy wants a girl with nonexistent breasts?"

I look down at myself from my spot at the end of the hallway, and wonder. Cordy's comments are never too far from the truth, and taking a good look at myself now, I can't help but think about the way I looked when Angel and I first met. Merrik had been strict on my eating habits - generally making sure I ate.

I guess by the time Giles and I met, I had developed those habits, and knew that I had nothing to worry about weight wise; I burned it all off anyway.

After Willow brought me back, it was all I could do just to make it through a day, eating was not on the top of my list, far from it actually.

I run a hand through my hair as I let out a tired sigh. Wasn't it just a few days ago that Angel pointed out how bad I look? Maybe it's time I pay attention again. I remember Wes saying something about a Slayer diet one day when Giles wasn't around.

"Where does she get off treating us like that anyway?" One of the Potentials tosses in her opinion.

"That's Buffy, 'Miss High-And-Mighty'. She's always been like that."

"And sleeping with vamps - that's just too gross to think about."

I can literally hear Cordy shrug from my hiding spot. "Angel's a sweetie, I have to tell you. I've known him as long as Buffy has. I know him far better after working with him these past few years. He works hard, gives his all, but Spike?" She makes a big production of shuddering. "Plus Angel dumped her."

"He dumped her?!" I sneak a peek at the frey of girls now hording around Cordelia.

"Umm hummm." Her answer is very nonchalant. "Over four years ago. But Buffy just can't seem to get that through her thick skull."

"She really isn't everything she makes herself out to be, is she?" I recognise Kennedy's voice with ease. Though I shouldn't be surprised at her comments. She's made her opinions clear right from the start.

Maybe it is time to stop neglecting myself for everyone else. Angel has given me the means to take care of myself and those around me in more than just a Slayer capacity, and now I want to take full advantage of that.

When I met Giles and resumed my role of Slayer, I vowed to myself that I would outlive every single Slayer in written history. Okay, I've died twice, but I'm still here. There has to be a reason for it; more than the Powers screwing with my life, and Angel's for that matter. I need to get myself back into shape; mentally as well as physically. Physically will be fairly easy, the mental aspect will take some work. Though I'm more than sure it'll be worth the outcome. Potentials be damned, and Cordy can go to Hell. She's made her bed, she can sleep in it - literally.

Now - let's see just how long my newfound attitude lasts ....

*

I find Wes in Angel's office, searching through the shelves. "Wes?" I wrap my shirt closer around my body. Cordy's comments sting even now, especially after having to walk passed them all, knowing what they were thinking as they look down at me. And it has nothing to do with my height.

"Buffy, what can I do for you?" He leans casually against the bookcase, his eyes easily meeting mine.

"I um.... you once mentioned something about a diet plan?" I have no right to ask anything of him, especially not after the way I treated him.

"Yes, I believe I did," he comments rather surprised, then pauses, looking me over. "If I might be so bold, you are rather thin." He's relaxed now, which surprises the hell out of me.

"I know I have no right to ask anything of you..."

"Buffy," he interrupts me before I can say something embarrassing. "I had no right to barge in as I did. I had no true concept of the Slayer/Watcher dynamic. I have to admit, what you share with Giles, I am very envious." It's his turn to drop his gaze to the not-so-clean floor. "But, I think I may be able to help you in this regard."

"Giles and I are no longer as close as we used to be," I offer weakly.

"I have noticed." He strides over to me, gently cupping my chin in his hand, tipping my face up to his. His eyes are slowly traveling over my face, then down over my body. My mother used to look at me like this, when she felt I was abusing my body.

"The stress has been getting to me." I can't help looking at him as he's looking at me. I want very badly to know what he's thinking.

"You haven't been taking care of yourself. You've lost a great deal of muscle-tone since I last saw you." His tone is concerned, like Giles' used to be. He gently releases my face and I miss the warm touch immediately. "I'll need a day to find the books." I nod at him dumbly, thankfully. "Until then, let Angel take care of you."

I feel myself sag at his suggestion. "I don't know if that's an option anymore."

"Now, why would you say that?" Perching on the desk, he waits for me to formulate an answer.

"Have you spoken to him since we returned?"

"Only briefly regarding personal matters. Though it is obvious something happened while he was in Sunnydale. His actions around you are a sure sign of that."

I throw my arms up in the air in frustration. "I know he cares, we'll always have that. But so much has happened since he left Sunnydale after graduation. We've both changed, moved on."

Wes smirks knowingly. "Have you now? Really?"

I let myself wallow in the memories of the kiss the other night, of our night in his bedroom - where nothing happened, but the cemetery, his actions that night... I was so sure I understood him after that. . "I just... I don't know where we stand anymore."

"Don't you find that understandable, considering our present circumstances?" He stands slowly, moving towards the doorway. "I know I don't know you, and I don't think I know Angel anymore." He sighs deeply, full of regrets - just like the rest of us. "What I can do is help your Slayer side. I can get you fit again." His hand grabs the doorknob.

"Wes." He pauses opening the door. "Thank you," he tips his head at me. "And I think you're right." His eyes widen in surprise and relief before he quietly slips through the doorway.

*

I wander back upstairs, purposely tuning out what Cordelia and the Potentials are talking about. I never used to care, and I think I need to get back to that. She isn't someone I need to impress. She may get the visions, but she doesn't really help with the battle. The Potentials need to learn their place, just as I had to learn mine. I guess in all honesty, I was as crass as they are when I met Giles and Angel.

Knocking gently on Angel's door, I vaguely hear his invite to enter. The room is dark; I gently close the door behind me, almost afraid to disturb the quiet of the room. There's a candle flickering in the breeze from the open glass doors beside him. I make my way across the room as silently as I can. There's a lot of tension surrounding him, I don't want my own feeding into it.

Moving to stand behind him, I gently place my hands on his temples, easing his head back towards me, over the back of the chair he's sitting in. As the back of his head rests against the top of my breasts, I begin to massage his face. Starting at his temples, moving over his forehead, down his nose to his cheeks, to his chin then back up. He groans softly, sagging into the chair, clearly enjoying the attention.

"I don't know what prompted this, but I'm not about to complain." His voice relaxes, sounding dozy.

"I think it's about time I return the favor." He smiles slightly, obviously caught up in the innocent memories of days long past. I continue on, running my fingers over his eyebrows, softly over his eyes, pausing there, my fingers moving in slow circles. I can feel him relax more and more, his head a little heavier against my chest.

"Can I ask you something without coming across like a megalomaniac?" My fingers have wandered to his nose, caressing the bridge in slow, almost teasing lines.

His brow furrows slightly at my question. "Somehow your name and that word comes across as on oxymoron to me."

"Are you calling me a moron?" I toss lightly back a him. He stiffens beneath my fingers, obviously missing the jibe. "I'm teasing, Angel. I know what the word means." I try not to laugh as he visibly relaxes under my fingers again.

"Can I ask you a question first?"

"Shoot."

"What brought this about?"

I shrug. "A dream I had, plus..."

"Something Cordelia said," he finishes for me.

"How...?"

"I can hear them. I can hear most of what goes on inside this building."

"Oh, right, supernatural hearing abilities." I smile, wondering about all the little secrets he's probably heard.

"But to answer your question, no. I believe they are wrong." Somewhat cryptic, yet comforting in his usual way. He sighs as I move back to his temples, rubbing slow circles against his skin. "They have to learn, and learn many things. Respect for those housing them is one of the major pet peeves I'm having right now. Another is for those protecting their lives. How many of those girls do you think would be alive right now if you hadn't intervened?"

I take a deep breath, savoring the smells inside his rooms, then releasing it slowly as I consider his words. "Probably not many. The Harbingers were steadily taking out the lines."

"Slow and methodical, that's the way to do it. But now you're protecting them."

"Thanks to you."

"You would have continued on regardless."

"You're right, I know. But.... it's just so hard when they look at me like that."

"Buffy," he gently takes my hands from his face, tugging me to stand in front of him. "Tell me what you feel is important."

He's looking me in the eye, like he used to do... before. It calms me somewhat, gives me a sense of confidence above my bravado. "I'm not sure I can answer that right now."

He reads me like a book, as usual. Knowing what I'm thinking before I do. "I'm sorry about dropping you like that in the cemetery." He slides closer to me. "But if I had touched you again, I don't think I could have stopped myself."

"Oh, good." The stress and fear leave my body in a rush at his words.

"Please tell me you didn't think.....?" his eyes fill with worry.

"I did think, moreso after hearing Cordy a few minutes ago."

He shakes his head slowly, his eyes never leaving mine, his hands holding mine firmly. "I love you, please don't ever doubt that."

"I hear a "but" coming."

"There's a small one," his eyes are now pleading with mine to understand. "But, I need a bit of time to sort myself out. I've been so... muddled of late. I want to come to you knowing who I am, and where I stand with my life."

"I nod slowly, truly beginning to understand where he's coming from. "I ask only one thing."

"What's that?" fear causes him to tense up again.

"That you don't shut me out completely."

The air rushes out of him as a smile tugs at his lips. "I didn't think it was possible, but I love you more right now." I feel my own smile beginning. "You are the only one who has offered me space and time." His hands slide up my arms as he stands, moving closer to me. His voice softens and lowers, "and I promise you, I won't shut you out. I'm asking that you to return the favor?"

His head dips closer to mine. Angling to meet his kiss, I whisper, "I will," before standing on tip-toe to meet his lips.


	17. Chapter 17

A.N.: This hasn't been beta'd, it's been sitting here for a few days with no one to look over it. All mistakes are mine, and easily admitted to :-p

***

Wes caught me coming out of Angel's room early the next morning. I hadn't realised just how much I needed to connect with Angel again; to spend time with him talking openly like we used to. I feel close to him again, on a level I haven't experienced since I was a teenager.

Then to literally bump into Wes as I exited Angel's suite, to see his smile of approval, and possibly affection just added to the completion of my night.

"I was able to locate the book more quickly than I anticipated. I was just about to knock on your door." He motions towards the room I had been heading towards myself for a long, much needed, morning nap. Handing me the surprisingly thick book, he continues on. "I would suggest you begin with the basic meals, considering your emaciated state. Once you have regained you weight and muscle tone, then I would suggest moving onto the fitness regimens."

"Thank you." I shock the Hell out of both of us by hugging him.

"You're very welcome." It's nice to see him smiling. "Though I feel as if I should be thanking you."

I look sideways at him. "Whatever for?" Okay, now I'm starting to sound like Giles!?

"For bringing him back to us, on many levels."

I consider his words, only to come to a conclusion myself. "He brought me back too." With a knowing nod, he holds open the door to my room for me. I think I could get used to this 'gentlemen' thing again, though I'll never admit it to Angel or Giles..

**

Waking up to perpetual dark was becoming annoying. I have a hard enough time keeping track of things when the sun and moon tell me what time it is. But the sun never shines, and the moon doesn't show his face.

I'm antsy though. Waiting for something to happen has never been my strong suit. I know, charging in first, researching later equals dead Slayer.

How much harm can come from a walk? Yeah, yeah, famous last words...

Yet hunting feels good, taking out many of the new fledges gives me a sense of confidence. I had begun reading the book Wes handed to me before I fell asleep with my nose literally buried in it. Then raiding the fridge in the hotel's kitchen when I woke up, trying to remember everything it suggested - which I might add is a lot of food - I now feel energised in a way I haven't felt in years. Stand aside Battery Bunny!

I wonder how Anya reacts to those commercials...?

Three more vamps turn to dust with ease. Angel's gonna kill me when he finds me out here. I can already feel him searching for me. I relax our 'connection', allowing it to draw him towards me, trying to let him feel my sense of freedom - as short lived as it may be. In return I feel his admonishing smile. He's so close now.

The vamps that had been circling me suddenly vacate in a rush. My confusion snaps the delicate communication we had been sharing. Turning, I find the reason for their fear standing ten feet from me.

I have never experienced abject fear before. It's a strange feeling - to panic. The Beast steps closer to me, a knowing smirk on his face.

"Buffy!!!!" Angel's voice from behind me hinges on the same panic that's made me catatonic. "Buffy, Move!"

And yet, I don't feel the compulsion to heed his words. The closer the Beast comes, the more calm I feel. Maybe it's some kind of Slayer self preservation, maybe I knew something deep down that I had to touch on before it came to my conscious mind.

"Buffy!"

"Angel stay." I whisper it, hoping he'll hear.

"What!?" His voice rose an octave in confusion. It made me smile. Though Angel can't see it.

The Beast stops directly in front of me. I no longer feel any fear of him - though I can't explain why. He reaches out, touching my arm. I can hear my skin singe and burn, yet, I don't feel it.

I close my eyes, feeling Angel's terror in the back of my mind - in the place where we were just enjoying a moment of joy. I try to concentrate on the calm I'm feeling.

Opening my eyes, I find the Beast in the same position, his hand still on my arm. Opening myself to every Slayer sense, to all the power I know I harbour, I lash out.

The Beast grunts as it goes flying.

I run back to Angel, grabbing his hand as we bolt back to the hotel.

*

Breathless, we barge through the doors. I collapse on the couch thingy in the centre of the foyer.

"How the hell did you do that?"

I look up to meet Angel's angry and confused stare. "I wasn't afraid of him."

"You what?" I glance over at Connor, who has the same confused expression on his face.

"I wasn't afraid of him."

"Neither was I..."

I cut Angel off. "You must have been, somewhere deep down, you had to have been. And he knew it. I wasn't. I don't know how or why, but he didn't frighten me in the least and that confused the hell out of him, giving me the advantage."


	18. Chapter 18

Giles launched immediately into research mode, leaving the rest of us to come and go as we pleased - well, after he hounded me for an hour, first about the hows and whys, then a good half hour of telling me how foolish I am etcetera.

Angel takes my hand, gently leading, more like dragging, me up the stairs to his suite. Once the door shuts behind us, I nearly sag to the floor. Whatever had kept me standing in front of the Beast had taken a toll on me. I worked to keep Giles from seeing it, but I'm sure Angel knew all along. Even now, I can feel him in the back of my mind, a soothing, comforting feeling. It's making me think that taking the time to become emotionally close is more than worth the effort. The night of my seventeenth birthday is still my most cherished memory. No matter how I've tried, I've never been able to connect with anyone the way Angel and I used to. The emotional and physical level we reached that night - well it's no wonder he lost his soul. We both gained and lost something that night.

I've been so engrossed in my thoughts that I haven't realised that Angel picked me up, carried me across the room before gently depositing me on the edge of the bed.

The door opens and shuts quickly, startling us both as Spike slinks into the room. His movements are jerky, the look in his eyes haunted, confused, terrified, reminding me far too much of Angel's face while The First was playing with him

"Buffy, Sire..." he stops in front of us trembling. "I ... it's..."

We both reach out to him at the same time. Taking hold of his hand, I pull him closer to where Angel and I are sitting side-by-side on the bed. "Spike," I try to keep my voice soft, urging him to tell us what's wrong before he bolts. "Whatever it is, we can help you."

"The First, it's come to me, talkin' to me, tellin' me that my soul can't hold me back." His eyes dart back and forth between us before landing on me. "Please... I.. I need...?"

Angel looks confused for a moment, but I know what Spike's asking. Hoping Angel won't react negatively, I tug gently on Spike's unusually cold hand. He drops to his knees, his eyes looking for permission as he closes the distance. Relaxing somewhat, his eyes drop to the centre of my chest before he quickly presses his ear over my heart.

I'm more than used to this reaction from both of them. Angel began this tradition when I was sixteen. To this day I don't know what had upset him that night, but I'd hugged him, his head burrowed into my chest. He'd snuggled in, smiling slightly as his head had passed over my heart. He'd made some passing comment about how much nicer it was to feel my heartbeat against him, rather than just being able to hear it. As much as I loved curling into his chest, he seemed to love placing his head over my heart and just remaining there for hours.

It became just one more intimate act I shared with my vampire boyfriend over the years. One I'd forgotten about.

One night, while Spike was still in the school basement, highly distraught, I'd brought his head to my chest as a leftover, learned reaction from Angel. As soon as I did, he calmed, he began making some semblance of sense.

Angel's eyes burn with hidden jealousy. I toss a pleading look over Spike's head. I care for Spike, he's more than a friend. No longer my lover, I want Angel back in that position, but I can't desert Spike, not now.

"The First, he came to me." Spike distracts us from our mini conversation over his head. "He came looking like the Anointed One." I feel a shudder pass though me as the memory of a small, dark haired boy floods my mind. "He said to me, that the soul was a phase. That it can't hold me back from who I am." Spike's whole body resumed it's shaking.

Angel purses his lips, "sounds mighty familiar." Spike looks up sharply, hope glinting in his eyes. "That's pretty close to what it said to me, only it was trying to get me to kill Buffy. When that didn't work, it managed to convince me to attempt suicide."

The relief flooding Spike was tangible, though he had yet to move from his place against me. "You mean...?"

"It's playing mind games with you. Though after living with me for so many years, you should be able to deal." They shared a small, nostalgic smile. One that was a tad creepy if you ask me. "It's true what it said." Both Spike and I look at him with concern. "How many people do we know with souls that are evil?" He gives us a pointed look. "It's you who decides what you want to do with your life. Whether you want to be essentially good, or evil is up to you now. It's not an easy decision. You know how easy life can be. You've also seen and felt how good it can be to help." Wrapping one arm around me, placing his other hand on his Childe's shoulder, he looked directly at Spike. "Talk to us. We won't judge you for negative thoughts, or actions from time to time. We all have them. Buffy and I can help you. I can help you differentiate between the soul and the demon, teach you how to control the conflicting emotions - which is not an easy task."

Spike's mouth opens to respond, looking more like his old self when the ear shattering scream jolts us to our feet.

I bolt up the stairs only to come to a screeching halt at one of the open doors. Outside the room, one of the girls is shattered with her hands covering her face. Looking inside, I understand why. My world crumples as I stare at the too real image of one of the SITs slowly twisting, hanging from a sheet tied to a light fixture in the ceiling.

Taking the girl's image, and Lord help me, I can't remember her name, the First walks through the wall towards me. "They are pawns, easily manoeuvered over the board, one step at a time. Check! Slayer." In a flash of bright light, it engulfs itself in a semi dramatic exit.

I stare at the girl, horrified into numbness.


	19. Chapter 19

I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll   
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds   
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to   
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved   
And I

I've woken now to find myself   
In the shadows of all I have created   
I'm longing to be lost in you   
(away from this place I have made)   
Won't you take me away from me   
~Away From Me - Evanescence 

 

**

Angel slides by me into the room. "We need to get her down before the others arrive."

I know he's right. I know I should be moving to help him, but the image of her is burned into my brain so badly I can barely think. Spike is behind me, murmuring something to the other Potential, gently guiding her away from this grizzly scene.

Angel's reaching up, trying to untie her when I realise the rest are gathered at the door. Angel's looking at me, trying to get me to move, to acknowledge what's happened.

I don't know what to say to them as I turn around. Their faces openly show the shock, the fear I can literally feel. For once they are all silent.

"The First?" Will asks slowly, not taking her eyes off the body that Angel is gently lowering to the ground.

I nod dumbly.

"We should bury her." Angel's removed the sheets, covering her reverently with the material.

I look around the room, suddenly realising that she did this to herself. Insolent rage rushes through me. Harsh enough for Angel to catch it before it subsides and my brain resumes normal functions.

"I'll take care of it." I scoop to pick up the body.

Angel gently places a hand on my arm, causing me to pause. "You sure?"

I understand the look he's giving me. One of those 'you don't have to do this alone' expressions. But I do, I have to do this. She was my responsibility and I failed her. "I'll deal." My tone is more harsh than I expected.

Still, he nods slowly, knowing I didn't mean to snap at him. "There's a small area of flat ground behind the hotel. We've been using it as a cemetery." He gives me directions as I walk down the stairs and out the back doors.

Just about everyone is gathered around us as I pause in the doorway. I can hear the questions, the blame already being tossed my way. I glance at Angel, who's almost standing guard at my side.

"I'll explain." He tells me, motioning me out with his chin. I'm glad he's willing to tell them, 'cause I really have no idea what just happened. 

 

I found the place Angel spoke of with ease. A few markers lined the graves of loved ones. I place her down, grabbing the shovel that's tucked behind a tree. Starting a new row, I begin digging. 

 

By the time I'm shoveling the last of the earth into the grave, tears are streaming down my face. I can't seem to stop them. She depended on me, looked up to me. I can clearly see her expression the first time she saw me; the wonder, the reverence; all of them looked at me like that. It had bolstered my ego at the time. Obviously not something I deserved, I knew it then, I know it more clearly now. I'm a failure at so many things, what could have made me think I could take care of a bunch of girls in a crisis?

"Buffy."

I jump at his gentle tone. I'd been so engrossed in my self flagellation that I'd missed the signs of his arrival. "How's everyone?" I refuse to turn around yet, instead focusing on packing down the loose dirt.

"Upset, as expected." Angel places his hands gently on my shoulders. I feel myself tense despite my efforts not to. "This isn't your fault," he states calmly.

"The Hell it's not!" Throwing the shovel, it imbeds itself two-thrids of the way up the handle in the dirt beside the grave. "She was my responsibility. They all look to me to take care of them. And what do I do?! I sit on my ass waiting for someone else to tell me what to do." I spin towards him, causing him to take a step back, or have me slam into his chest. "It's my job to protect them and I failed!"

"It is not your job." He grabs onto me again, forcing me to look at him as he speaks. Your job is to rid the world of my kind, not to protect people on such a continuous basis. Not to teach and train them. That's Giles' job, Wes' job. Your job is to fight the demons. You are the Slayer, not the Watcher. To tell you the truth, I have no idea how you're still standing with all you've taken upon yourself." I gape at him, the words trying to sink in, my conscience telling me he's full of shit.

"Who else is there, Angel? Who can look after these girls if not me?"

His eyes search mine for a moment. "That I don't know. Maybe the lot of us. The Council employed many to look after these girls, it's their fallacy, not yours. You should not be suffering for their short-sightedness." I wait as he debates whether to say whatever else is on his mind. Catching my eyes, he makes his decision. "She killed herself, Buffy. Hung herself of her own free will. As harsh as it may sound, she was not Slayer material. The First zeroed in on that and attacked, knowing that if it did, it would hurt you deeply." He pauses, letting that sink through my thick skull. "You can't let it defeat you by playing these mental games.

"Don't get me wrong, seeing her like that is a blow to me too. This is becoming a cruel battle. She would never have survived, at least this way it was quick and relatively painless. Though I'd never say that to anyone else in the hotel."

His hands are gripping my upper arms, filling me with that energy Willow had shown us. I run my hands through my hair, sniffling slightly as I compose myself. "I know that. Deep down I know what it really takes to be the Slayer. I know many of them would never survive their first foray into a vampire nest. It might have been the Council's mistake not to have a contingency plan, but it's my duty to care for those girls now."

He shakes his head slowly. "It's our duty."

A slow smile spreads across my face despite the tears that I can't seem to stop. "I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm so very grateful."

"Good, 'cause your stuck with me."

I glance around, then roll my eyes at my stupidity. "What time is it?"

He looks at his watch, "ten thirty pm."

I swipe angrily at the tears. I'm so totally sick of crying.

"You ready to deal with them?"

Moving to him, I find myself engulfed in the hug I desperately need. My head tucked into the spot between his chest and shoulder, held firmly in his arms, I take a deep breath. I wish I could live here sometimes, feeling his love, feeling safe, feeling like I don't need to keep up the false bravado all the time. Only Angel has ever seen this side of me. Even Spike, in all our... dealings, never got to witness the needy side I so easily reveal to Angel.

After another minute or so, I take another breath, calming myself, preparing myself before I nod. "Yeah, I think I'm ready now."


	20. Chapter 20

As I sit along the shore   
Of my wishes and my dreams   
My Pride lies shattered on the floor   
With the fading sunlight beams

My thoughts embraced by nothingness   
mindwaves passing by so slow   
I long for your tender caress   
As innocent as young fresh snow   
~Another Day - L'ame Immortelle 

 

Everyone is gathered in the lobby as Angel and I make our return. Tears are running in abundance.

I look for my Watcher, needing his guidance, only to find him strangely absent.

Angel places a gentle hand on the small of my back, a gesture of strength and support. Both of which I need at the moment.

"I'm going to assume you all know what just occurred." My voice is strong, completely opposite to the butterflies needing Ritalin in my stomach. Most of them have averted their eyes. "It was a stupid waste of a life. But a point I believe you all needed to see." Eyes snap angrily at me. "Being a Slayer is much more than physical strength, it's intelligence. Something Chloe didn't have."

There's a round of 'What's' going through the room.

"So what are you going to do about it?" someone from the back pipes up.

"This isn't about what I need to do. This is about what you guys need to realise."

"Oh now there's the best cop-out yet." Kennedy stands up, trying to stare me down. "You're gonna put this on us 'cause you didn't do something to prevent it!"

I feel my eyebrows meet my hairline at her audacity. All the emotions from this evening threaten to explode. "The First didn't target me, it's targeting you guys. It can't hurt you, unless you let it."

"Then why didn't you warn us?!" Kennedy continues to rage, with encouragement from others.

"Wasn't the demonstration in the workout room enough of a warning? You girls must think on your feet. I cannot teach you how to do that, or protect you from everything. You have to protect yourselves."

"Don't you think you're being overly harsh?" Xander steps forward.

"Harsh is this life. It's what being the Slayer is all about."

"You're just so full of yourself aren't you?" His attitude startles me. "Are you trying to scare these girls to death?"

I gape at him. "As much as you like to think you know about my life, you really don't know the whole of it."

"Oh really? If I remember correctly, it was me who saved your ass in the Master's lair. I had to threaten Angel to get off his undead butt to lead me to you."

"And you think that makes up for everything?!" He doesn't need to answer, it's clearly written on his face. "You have no idea what you're talking about. You think you know, but when the real deal came down, you weren't there. You weren't there when Giles and Angel told me I was going to die! I was sixteen when they bluntly explained to me that I was to be lead to the Master and my death. I was younger than most of these girls are now, and there was nothing I could do about it." I swipe more tears from my face. "But I dealt, I did what I had to do, only to find out they were wrong, and all my death did, was release him into the world."

"Oh yes, and I remember the aftermath of that, Your Bitchiness."

"It's all black and white to you isn't it? Angel turns bad, I have to kill him. Or was that just a good excuse? Did you really think I was going to run into your arms afterwards? After you made your feelings ever so clear? I know you and Angel never got along, I used to kid myself by believing that it was a mere personality clash. Then you lied to me. I was so stupid to think Willow would ever tell me to kick his ass! She was the only one that ever respected our relationship. All you ever did was make crude jokes, take potshots. Killing Angel was the hardest thing I've ever done, there was nothing left after that. Hell, even Whistler told me that all I had left was myself. Something these girls have got to learn if they expect to survive.

"Yet when it came to Anya killing - well that was a totally different story! You wanted to do anything and everything to help her before I went after her. She killed more people in a few short weeks than Angelus did in all the months he roamed! I thought that maybe after that, you'd understand how I felt, understand why I couldn't do it."

"I understand all right, you're too good for us. We're just a bother to your wonderful existence."

I just look at him. "Why are you doing this, Xander?"

"Because you've gone too far. These girls need support. Training. Not a righteous dictator."

"You think I don't know that?"

He snorts, "obviously not."

"There's a battle going on out there, people are dying, we're gonna die if they don't understand what's really going on here. You can't coddle them!"

"Why not? Giles coddled you." There are no words to describe the pain his words cause. "You should have been banished for not protecting Jenny and Theresa."

"You make it sound like we knew what the consequences would be! How DARE you belittle my most precious memory!"

"Obviously you're more interested in fucking your undead boyfriend than protecting the last of your line."

Sputtering, I try to formulate words. Rage, betrayal and bitterness flood my senses. "Like you should talk. Isn't that all you and Anya do? According to her, screwing you is far more important than any of the jobs you're asked to do.

"And you know, I must be doing something right since you are both still here. Neither Angel, nor I have you chained to this hotel. You're more than free to leave at any time."

"You would kick us out too. Just so that no one is questioning your all knowing orders."

"That's enough!" Angel surges across the room, grabs Xander by the throat, forcing him up against a wall. "You are in my home." The words are spoken in a quiet, fierce tone. Xander's eyes bulge in fear, even though Angel isn't hurting him. "I expect you to maintain some manners. If you don't like the way things are being run, you are free to suggest other methods. You are not to physically, or verbally abuse your position. Understood?" Xander nods. Angel drops him, stepping back.

"Isn't there another Slayer?" Kennedy asks.

"Wha...??" I'm now beyond shocked; that they could even suggest..... "Yes, there is another Slayer." I admit defeat.

"Then why isn't she here?"

I look to Angel, then to Wes.

"Because she's in jail." Wes calmly informs her.

"She could help us."

I nod to myself, walking from the hotel into the night, head hanging in shame.

"Buffy!" I hear Angel calling after me a few minutes later. "Buffy, stop, please." I do, but I refuse to look up at him as he skids to a halt before me. "Wes is going to get Faith."

I nod again.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know."

"It's not safe out here. The First is still out there, and the Beast - we have no idea what their next moves are."

"You guys will figure it out."

"What are you saying?" His head ducks as he tries to catch my eyes.

"That maybe I should have died that day, that you were right to have just left me to the Master."

"No!" It's more of a roar than a word. "Jesus, Buffy, don't say that."

"Angel, what just happened in there?"

He takes a deep, unneeded breath, obviously in thought. "I don't know. Things got out of hand."

"Maybe Faith is the answer. I mean the girls don't respect my judgement. It might be because..."

"Because you let a vampire feed from you."

"That and because I'm still in love with that same vampire. I know they can see it, I've heard them whispering, thinking I couldn't hear them."

"Let me ask you this." I tip my head up, wanting to know what he's thinking. "What do you want?"

"Right now? I want to win this battle, I want to prove myself to all of them. And I want to be with you."

A slow, relieved smile spreads across his face, "good." He steps closer, gently holding my chin in his hand, like he did the fist time we kissed as his head dips, his lips brushing over mine. The kiss is soft, sweet, full of promises we'll get to when things settle again.

Straightening, he pulls me against him, hugging me tightly. I relax, letting all the anger and hurt drain out of me as I press my face into his chest, feeling his strong arms holding me.

From beneath you it devours

I stiffen as the words flow through my mind.

"What?" Angel asks, not releasing me - for which I'm thankful.

"'From beneath you it devours.' It's what all the prophecies, the First..."

"And the Beast," Angel adds.

"Have been saying about this."

Angel leans back slightly. "It's not a demon," realisation dawning for both of us.

"'Together we are powerful,' the Morah said. What if the First is trying to undermine everything we've put together?"

"Friends, associates, lovers."

"Our families. The one thing that makes us strong when we can't be together."

"We're together from now on." Angel states firmly.

"You mean that?" hope sparks brightly inside me again.

"Yeah I mean it."

"We are going to have a lot to work out later." I comment dryly

"I'm looking forward to it." Now we're both smiling like idiots here. His smile fades, "about Faith."

"Stop right there." I place a hand on his chest. "I trust you, I believe in you and if you think Faith is up for this, then I go with you."

He looks at me in total amazement. "You have changed."

"I've grown up. I had to."

"I'm proud of you too."

His image swims for a moment. "That means a lot to me - coming from you." I look around us. I hadn't gone far, the roadway strangely quiet, giving me a case of the chills.

"Eerie, isn't it?" Angel asks, reading my mind.

"Incredibly. I can't even tell what time it is anymore."

"Does it matter?"

"I guess not. How long will it take for Faith to get here?"

"Probably not until late tomorrow." He motions back towards the hotel with his head. "Can we head back? It's not exactly safe out here right now and neither of us are paying much attention to our surroundings"

I can't help the bitter noise my throat makes. "Story of our lives, isn't it?"

"It doesn't pay to be stupid."

I nod, understanding, taking his hand as we slowly make our way back.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: I begin screwing with the time lines here. I'm making the assumption the Buffy and Robin Wood spoke about his mother before she left - and a few other things that will come to light in the next few chapters.

You won't cry for my absence,   
I know -You forgot me long ago.   
Am I that unimportant...?   
Am I so insignificant...?   
Isn't something missing?   
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'd be sacrificed,   
You won't try for me, not now.   
Though I'd die to know you love me,   
I'm all alone.   
Isn't someone missing me?   
~Missing - Evanescence 

 

I manage to convince Angel to let me patrol, though he insists on joining me. Not like I really mind his company. I'm in dire need of something to do. Not just sitting back in the hotel waiting for more shit to hit the fan.

I'm hoping that this has been a wake up call for the girls. That this attack has made them realise just how much they have to depend on themselves - not on others. The more I think about it, the more I realise I'm at fault for that. I let them believe in me - or should I say the facade of the Slayer. It'll be a hard lesson for them to swallow. The Slayer really is just a girl with too much responsibility, and very little guidance.

I glance towards Angel as he walks beside me in the quiet darkness. I can tell he's deep in thought. Most likely about the occurrences earlier. There are times I wonder - Angel wandered around for almost a hundred years with his soul before the Powers pointed him in my direction.

Why me?

Why did they single me out? What about the countless other Slayers that died - Robin Wood's mother for example. She had a child, one that's grown up to be a strong fighter. Imagine what Angel could have done for them, could have shown them. I feel like I have no real importance in comparison. I'll never have kids - I don't want kids. Robin has such a bitterness in him; I could never subject a child to this kind of life.

"What you thinking?" Angel breaks me out of my thoughts.

I stop, taking a close look at him. He's tired, stressed, probably still feeling the loss of his son and best-friend. "I was just thinking... wondering actually..."

"Wondering what?"

"Why me?" I question him straight on. "Why did the Powers send you to me? Why not another Slayer - Principal Wood's mother for example? She had a child; you could have saved her."

His eyes travel over me as he debates his answer. Now I know he knows something. "Angel...?"

"No one ever told you, did they? I thought Giles knew."

I shake my head in confusion. "Knew what?"

"You are the most powerful Slayer that's lived."

"But, I've died, twice..."

"And you've come back stronger because of it." I give him a look. His fingers gently crawl up my arms, forcing me to face him. "You have, on many levels. Look at yourself, at what you've accomplished despite everything that's happened to you."

"You're the reason." I say in a small voice, not really looking at him.

"How so?"

"I've always looked up to you. Always thought you are the strongest person I've met. On both the emotional and physical planes. You've dealt with so much grief, so much guilt, and yet put that all aside to help when I've asked. You didn't have to come to me, you didn't have to help me, or all the others you've helped in the past few years."

"I'm about to turn that back on you. You're the reason I do what I do. You have shown me so many things. Things about myself, about the world, about how people care. That is what keeps me fighting. I was a homeless bum when Whistler found me; not really minding my situation I might add. All he had to do was let me see you and my world changed." He pauses, his gaze a million miles away for a moment before he focuses back on me, obviously considering his phrasing. "I doubt any of the other girls would have effected me the way you have. You have such a love for life. A resounding passion for everything you do. It sucked me in, and I never wanted out."

"Is that why you left?" Oh yeah, kill the mood, my mind chastises.

"We were losing control." He answers bluntly. "You know that as well as I do. Look how quickly it sucked us back in. I'd been in Sunnydale - what a few days - and I couldn't keep my hands off you." His head drops guiltily, though I'm just as much at fault.

I take a hold of his chin, making him look at me. "How about we just forget about past indiscretions? Move on from here; maybe start something new when this is all over?"

A slow, knowing half-smile creeps across his face as my hand moves over his cheek in a soft caress. "Deal."

"Okay, now what I don't understand is why it's so quiet here?" We've walked about three blocks from the hotel, and within those blocks, I might encounter a fledge or two, but no real mobs, no rioting. Most of the buildings have lights on, I can see people moving about in an almost normal fashion. Get beyond that, and L.A. looks like a war-zone.

Angel shrugs, "It's a respect thing." He casually moves his free hand as he tries to explain. "I'm one of the oldest vampires in the region, most others respect that, thus giving my home a wide berth. Fledglings, newly mades and a few rebellious sorts that don't respect the rules ignore that."

"And thus find themselves blowing in the breeze."

"Pretty much," he dips his head in agreement. "It gives us a small area of safety. I've seen Connor and Cordelia walking around a few nights when they need some quiet time. Gunn and Fred mostly stay within the safely belt; I think Gunn worries about her too much." He chuckles at his own comment.

It's odd to me to hear him talk about people like this. People he's worked with, been close too these past years while we've been out of touch. I can't begrudge him his new life, but I feel left out. And I was telling him he had no right to be jealous; serious case of pot and kettle here. 

 

We arrive back at the hotel to find Faith waiting outside. Mustering all my courage, I step right up to her. I have to deal with this. No matter what my personal feelings might be, she's needed here.

"Buffy, Angel." She steps closer, head down, hands clasped in front of her belly, absently playing with her fingers.

"Faith." I acknowledge, sounding stronger than I feel.

"Look... I.. I know..."

I hold up a hand to stop whatever she was about to say. "Just take care of them. Don't be afraid to ask for help, don't be afraid to follow your instincts. Kennedy is the most obnoxious, but she's also the strongest fighter. She does like to jump first, think later though." Faith is looking at me with something akin to awe in her eyes, not to mention total surprise.

She smiles hesitantly, "kinda like us in the beginning, huh?"

I return the smile, feeling Angel gently squeeze my hand. "Worse, if you can imagine it." I return to serious conversation. "My baby sister is in there..."

"I promise to do whatever I can to keep her safe."

I nod, actually feeling relieved. "That's all I can ask of you."

"What about you two?" She motions to both Angel and I.

I shrug, "I dunno."

"Wes only gave me the bare essentials on the way here, but, you're not out of the fight. Are you?"

I smirk, knowing Angel has a similar expression on his face. "Try and keep us out."

"Good. And can I say the Double Mint twin act is kinda freaksom."

"Maybe we should kiss a little longer." We share a quick laugh. Angel just looks at us, which sets us off again. "Sorry, old TV commercial." I explain, stifling my laughter. I am feeling better about Faith, she's reminding me of an older, more mature version of the girl who was my sister Slayer - my friend. 

 

We all enter the hotel together. The Potentials and their opinions be damned.

Everyone's sitting in the various chairs and couches off to the side of the entranceway, chatting amongst themselves. Faith jogs down the stairs and quiet settles. Angel and I hang back, trying to be unobtrusive, though I manage to catch some evil glares from the girls. Dawn is purposely avoiding looking at me.

"So what's the sitch?" Faith jumps right in, making me smile, which I hide against Angel's shoulder.

"Not much I'm afraid." Giles looks up from the mound of papers piled on the counter. "The Beast is still a mystery, The First is slowly attacking the girls."

"Wes told me about The First, but why is it attacking these girls?" She looks confused at the pile of young girls crowding the reception area. I'm guessing Wes didn't tell her much on the trip.

"As far as we've ascertained, The First is out to deplete, if not eliminate, the Slayer line. It's been sending Harbingers after the Potential Slayers, and killing their Watchers. A few months ago, the Council itself was blown to smithereens."

Faith's eyebrows shoot up. "You mean like sending people after the girls with funky looking knives?"

Now I step forward. "You too?"

"Had an interesting fight with a woman out in the courtyard about a few months back. She had this nasty looking, jeweled knife. I didn't get a good look at it, I was kinda trying to avoid getting up close and personal with it."

Shit. "I'm sorry, Faith. I thought you'd be safe where you were. It only started attacking me when I started defending the girls."

Faith shrugs it off. "No big. It was only a one-timer."

"Another over-look by our so called leader." Kennedy snarks to no one in particular.

Faith looks at me, silently asking if she's the one. I nod, rolling my eyes discretely.

"Don't treat me like some kid." Obviously not discrete enough. Kennedy stands, moving threateningly towards me. Though not enough of a threat for Angel to bother tensing.

"This really isn't the time to pick yet another fight." I so want to call her a name, but why sink to that level?

"You failed miserably, let the real Slayer take charge."

I feel my hackles rise.

"She's right," Giles jumps into the conversation. "Let Faith take over."

I stare at my Watcher, unable to comprehend what he just said. "What...?"

"You heard me. I believe it's time Faith embraced her Duty. The girls have made it abundantly clear how they feel about your leadership."

That was it. Leaving Angel gaping at the stairs, I haul Giles by his wrist, dragging him into Angel's office, slamming the door behind us.

A sense of betrayal,the likes of which I haven't felt before, roars though me as I face Giles. "What the Hell is going on here?"

Standing his ground, drawing himself up to his full height, he glares down at me. "You need to back away. Your emotional state..."

Yet something in his eyes takes the wind out of my sails. "Are you worried about me? Is that it?"

He averts his eyes, his body losing all tension. "Terrified a-actually."

I finally understand, after all these months - to him, the girls are far more expendable than I am. I step up to him, gently touching his arm. "I love you too."

Hie eyes snap back to mine. Eyes so familiar to me, looking at me with so many raw emotions at once. "You are my daughter, Buffy."

"I know," I don't want to let go of him now. "But first and foremost I have to be the Slayer."

"I realise that. It doesn't mean I like it." We share a smile. One of long term affection, of respect, and of knowing our time is most likely short. He squeezes my hand which has moved to take hold of his.

"I have no qualms of Faith running this show." I admit openly. "Don't ask me to sit back twiddling my thumbs."

"I honestly have no idea what my intentions for you are." He lets go of me, dropping to half-sit on the edge of Angel's desk. "I just don't want you responsible for the Potential Slayers. I believe they are a hindrance to you."

"Angel said something similar not that long ago to me. And you're both right, they are."

"Good, I'm glad we have that settled. I have to keep working with them, I can't just drop them in Faith's proverbial lap."

I nod my head, "I figured as much. Plus I need you to make sure Dawn stays safe. Angel and I will stick together, try and figure out a different angle - hopefully." I lean back against the bookcase, trying to rub the tension from my temples slowly.

"I fully expect Angel to look after you."

My head snaps up at his almost off-hand comment.

His smile grows, almost chuckling at me. "You think I don't notice? You think I don't see? That I don't hear? Lord forgive me, but I now know what it's like to experience a teenaged daughter going through love's trials and tribulations. Now that Angel's soul is secure, after seeing the way you both respond to each other's company - how can I deny you?" He ends softly, looking me fully in the eyes, letting me know he's not joking, that he's not hiding anything from me.

My jaw opens and shuts a few times, but the words refuse to come out. I respond the only way I can think of. I embrace him tightly, cherishing one of the few real hugs I've shared with him.

"I trust Angel with you whole-heartedly. You're safe with him; as safe as you could possibly be." He qualifies, continuing to hold me.

He takes my shoulders, holding me out in front of him for a second. "If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask."

"I know, I won't." I step back, not really wanting to, but I know Angel is out there, worried. "I don't know what brought about your change of heart, but thank you. Your opinion, your approval means the world to me."

He tips his head with a gentle, sad smile as I back out from the office.


	22. Chapter 22

The rest of the evening and night pass fairly uneventfully. Faith is filled in on all The First's exploits by Giles and the gang. Angel's group fill her in on the Beast's activities - basically letting her know there are two Big Bad's out there, which we have no clue how to stop. She's also introduced to the Potentials, meets Spike as he breezes in from where ever the Hell he's been spending his time these days.

For some odd reason, my gut is still telling me to trust Spike. I've spoken to him a few times since we arrived, but most times he's been on his way out, or back in looking dead tired - no pun intended. He's had no luck drumming up information, but he has had a few nice brawls with demons. It's nice to see him returning to his normal - jump into a fight with extreme cockiness - self.

As they begin telling Faith about the Potential's training, I have to get out of there. The hotel is feeling stifling again. I've been sitting on the front stairs, with Angel beside me, and I might as well have been a fly on the wall. They ask Angel a few questions, but I'm left out.

I know what I'm feeling is totally childish and uncalled for, but I've never been so blatantly ignored before.

As I stand to vacate, Angel stands with me, taking my hand as we silently leave the building. I glance back as I close the door, finding Giles smiling at me. That small look makes me feel one hundred percent better. He's still looking out for me, even if it's subtlety.

*

"I guess we aren't the only ones who needed to get out." Angel motions towards Cordelia and Connor a short time later as they turn down the next street, then disappear from our view.

I shrug. "Playing sitting duck does not appeal to any of us."

He gives a half hearted affirmative. "I had an idea."

"Did it hurt?" I chuckle at the not so amused look he tosses down at me. I squeeze his hand. "Sorry, couldn't resist. What is it?"

"Very dangerous."

"Typical."

"But it might buy us some time."

"Okay, you've piqued my curiosity."

"Not a difficult thing to do," he quips back. I don't even bother to acknowledge the comment. He takes a deep breath, scanning the barren streets. "There's a Council of Elders - for lack of a better term - in L.A. I've been called by them a few times, gone when I felt the issue warranted my attention."

"Wait," I pull him to a stop by his hand. "You mean a Council of Vampire Elders?"

"That's exactly what I mean."

I can't help but shudder. "What do they want with you?"

"For one, I am one of the last of my line, the eldest I believe. Plus as Angel, or Angelus, I have quite the reputation for fighting for what I believe in. And winning," he adds with a touch of conceit. "Any time they have called upon me, I have gone in the guise of Angelus."

"They can't tell? But Anya saw Spike's soul?" My concern of this idea continues to grow.

"I dunno if they can or not." His tone let's me know he's not phased either way. "They don't seem to care. As long as I do my part for the society, I don't think it matters to them." He dismisses that concern.

"I think I'm afraid to ask what your idea is?"

He takes both my hands. "I'm basically owed a favor. More importantly, if we can make them believe that the Turok-Han are a threat to their society, they might be willing to fight."

Realisation dawns. "So what you're saying is, you call a meeting, tell them about our new friends and ask for their help."

"Not exactly."

"Okay, what's the catch?"

"We go in. They know I've taken the Slayer as my mate." His words hit home, my hand leaves his to automatically touch the mark on my neck. He nods seeing my actions. "They've inquired about you a number of times. So far, I've refused to divulge much about us. I think that if we show up as a mated pair, with Spike being my eldest and most favoured Childe, they will see that I do respect vampire culture. With the addition of you by my side, letting them know you have fought the Turok-Han - if they ask you - I think it would sway them."

"I'm a bit lost here. Not to mention floored by your idea."

He smiles, "the Turok-Han have been a menace to vampires for centuries. Every time one appears, it takes out many during various battles for food, territories and so on. Now combine that with the fact that the Slayer has a bitch of a time killing it, add the possibility of many more Turok-Han invading L.A. and I believe they will help out."

"If for no other reason than to save their own asses."

"Now you understand the concept."

"You think Spike will go for this?"

Angel's eyes narrow. "He'll do whatever I tell him to." His eyes shift to mine, slightly apologetic. "To protect you, he'll do everything in his power."

"When?"

"Possibly as soon as tonight. I'll send word out as soon as we get home."

I like the sound of 'we' and home' in a together way. "How will you send word out?"

He takes my hand, lacing our fingers and begins walking again. "Email," he answers simply. 

 

** 

 

I literally pounce on Fred when we return. The hotel was strangely quiet, only Fred and Lorne were in the lobby when Angel and I separated for preparations.

Walking straight up to her, I ask, "Do you, by any chance, know how to cut hair?"

Her face brightens considerably. "Yes, actually I used to be pretty good at it - you know, before I left." She gives an embarrassed shrug.

I heave a sigh of relief as Lorne chuckles quietly. "Good, 'cause I need this trimmed short." I pull my ponytail out, I'm sick to death of long hair. It falls flat, has no style, and I have no idea why I let it grow out in the first place.

"Like the picture of you Angel always has around?" She stops, giving a small 'oops.'

Lorne's chuckle turns to open laughter at her faux pas. "Which picture?" If it's from my 17th or 18th year, then it's exactly what I want.

She takes a hold of my wrist, half dragging me into Angel's office. At the far end, tucked into a back shelf, she turns a picture frame around. I have no idea where Angel got this picture, it must have been shortly after I returned from L.A. after staying with my father the summer after the Master. "Perfect, that's exactly what I want." I nod at her, trying to dismiss the implications of Angel keeping said picture all this time. It's certainly faded and well handled.

"I have scissors upstairs in my room." Again, dragging me, this time upstairs, I can't stop smiling. Angel's secrets are opening for me. I'm liking the fact that some things haven't changed at all. Despite what he might lead me to believe, I'm finding out that he never did forget me. And, the possibly he never let go of the dream...that one day we would be together again.

**

Angel is already downstairs when I walk down the steps that evening. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't to see him stalking around the lobby in full Angelus attire making last minute preparations. But God does he look fantastic, with those leather pants snugly hugging his hips and that gorgeous black silk shirt casually draping over his shoulders. Gone is the familiar hunch to his shoulders. Gone are the slow, deliberate movements. Replaced instead by precise, predatory stalking.

He looks up, his eyes darken with something obviously sexual as he sees me. I managed to find a pair of blood red leather pants I've had for eons; how, or why they ended up in my bag when I packed, I'll never know. A shirt was a problem. Everything I have with me is too tame. I'm posing as Angelus' mate. Sweet and soft isn't going to cut it. Faith caught me cursing up a storm and presented the perfect solution from her stash of clothing. A black leather, corset-type top. Laced up in front, extremely low cut. I feel like if I bend over, I'm going to fall out. Though watching Angel's eyes drift to, and remain at my cleavage is well worth it. I also made sure to take off anything cross-y, leaving my neck bare.

I meet him in the centre of the lobby. His right hand immediately slides through my now shoulder length hair. "Do I pass?" Thankfully my voice doesn't betray my nervousness.

"What the Hell is this?!" Cordelia squeaks as she enters the hotel, quickly back peddling. Angel rolls his eyes as he turns from me. Connor is right behind her, eyeing the situation suspiciously after Cordy's exclamation.

"This is not what you think." Is Angel's only offer as explanation. He faces me again. "You need to darken your makeup."

I raise an eyebrow at him, then shrug. "Tammy Fae Baker School of Cosmetology, here I come."

Spike jogs down the stairs looking rather sharp himself. His clothes are spotless, his shirt is ironed, buttoned up and tucked in., his nail polish is fresh and I find myself oddly wondering where he managed to get black polish during an apocalypse. "You want dark, Pet, not thick."

"Sluttier."

Spike shrugs at my assessment. "Your words, not mine."

Angel looks confused, as typical, and not very happy about it. He spins to Cordy. "Do you have any black eyeliner on you?"

"Yeah...," she answers slowly, digging it out of her purse before tossing it at Angel. I find it amusing that she can't tell the difference. That she's too scared to approach him.

"What about a dark red lipstick?" he also asks.

"Got that covered." Faith bounds up the stairs to her room, returning with the darkest shade of red I have ever seen. Where the Hell did she get all this stuff so recently out of jail!?

"You want to accentuate your natural beauty," Angel explains as Faith hands me the tube. I think that was a back-handed compliment.

Using the polished counter top, I apply the liner, making my eyes look bigger.

"Did you find it?" Angel asks Spike.

"Of course. You need to get your eyes checked." Spike tosses him the leather belt with the flower buckle. I can't help but pause as Angel easily slides the belt through the loops, then with a familiar flick of his fingers, hooks the buckle up.

"Whoa." One of the girls catches a glimpse of Angel as he stretches out. Standing in the centre of the polished floor, shifting to one leg, he extends the other slowly in the form of a side kick.. Snapping the knee back, he lowers his leg back to the ground before switching sides. I find myself watching him, not wanting to tear my eyes away from his graceful, powerful movements. Not to mention the way the leather defines his ass and thighs.

"And that was for...?" Faith's leaning against the counter close to me.

"Haven't worn these in a long time. I want to be sure I can move in them if the need arises."

Faith purses her lips and nods, half-believing him.

Finishing applying the lipstick, I bend right over - making sure everything stays inside the shirt that's supposed to -, fluffing my hair over my head, giving it a wild appearance when I straighten.

"How's that?"

Angel nods his approval. Turning he grabs a clip out of Cordy's hair.

"Hey!" She hollers at him; he ignores her.

Striding to me, he pulls my hair up and back on the right side, fastening the clip so my neck is exposed. "My mark is to be shown off. Worn proudly."

I nod, understanding.

Spike tosses him a pack of smokes. A handful of which he pulls out, tucking them neatly into an ornate, silver cigarette case he grabs out of his coat which is lying across the back of a chair. Snatching the lighter Spike just tossed his way out of the air, he lights one. Taking a long drag, he breathes deeply though his mouth, then slowly lets the smoke curl as he exhales. Tossing the crumpled pack and lighter back to Spike, sliding the case into the coat's inside breast pocket, he pulls out some jewelry from his other pocket. I recognise his bracelet, and his necklace - the ones he wore when we first met. From his shirt pocket, he produces a couple of rings. Turning back to me, he takes my hand, replacing my old Claddagh ring.

"Where?" I can barely ask the question, emotion overwhelming me. I thought I'd never see this ring again.

His eyes and voice return to their familiar softness. "The mansion. I found it while doing a last clean up. I didn't think I'd get the chance to give it back to you."

"I'm glad you have." He allows himself a moment to look relieved before his eyes harden again. "You know this signifies that you belong to me." He spins away from me, intent on whatever he's doing next.

I nod again, wigged by his attitude, but knowing enough about vamp rights, regulations and politics to know what he's trying to tell me.

"What are you doing?" Cordy asks.

"It's none of your concern."

An evil smile creeps across my face hearing Angel subtlety tell them off.

"That's more like it." I give Angel a quizzical look. "You cannot be afraid, you cannot be meek. I would never accept that kind of a mate."

I feel myself swallow as he stalks towards me. His long, purposeful strides remind me too much of his alter-ego. His words do sink in. I stand my ground, head up looking directly into the smirking face of my once lover.

He nods, clearly pleased. He casually flicks the cigarette towards Spike who stamps it out. "One last thing." He grabs me, kissing me hungrily. Kissing me like he hasn't in years. I feel myself grabbing onto him, my arms wrapping around his neck, my fingers sliding into his hair. His arms hold me tightly, crushing my body against his. His hands wander, getting a better grip on me. I stand on tip-toe, wanting to be closer, not caring about the astounded voices behind us.

He pulls back abruptly, causing me to grab his arms, or topple breathless to the ground. He takes a step back once he's sure I'll stay on my feet. Licking his lips he smiles, a purely masculine expression, before wiping my lipstick off his lips with one slow pass of his thumb.

"Wow," I hear one of the girls comment, and I'm sure I'm hearing envy in her voice.

"Oh, I get it!" Faith pipes up.

"What?" Kennedy looks totally baffled. Even I know what Angel was up to.

"They haven't done the nasty yet. And since vamps are big in the scent department, he has to make sure she smells like him, and that he smells like her. Otherwise the vamps will know they're faking it."

"Not to mention the heady smell of arousal clinging to them both." Spike murmurs with obvious chagrin.

Angel ignores them all. Facing Spike he issues his orders. "You stay right behind us. At any point in time, if I am required to leave Buffy's side, you are to remain with her - at any cost."

"Understood." There's no hesitation in Spike's answer. No smart-ass tone to his voice. He's accepted his role in this and is obviously more than willing to play by the rules - at least for tonight.

And the last of it dawns on me as I watch Angel gracefully swing his leather duster over his shoulders. With Spike showing up at the same time I do - it all makes sense. Angel had to leave me for whatever 'reason' he deemed, leaving Spike to guard me. Being Angel's most favoured, he was allowed rights to my body as a reward for his efforts.

Angel smirks as he holds his elbow out for me, obviously reading my thought process. I twine my hand through the crook of his arm.

This is all feeling incredibly quirky to me. Seeing Angel like this, seeing Spike willingly obeying his orders - my mind flashes back to the morning at the mansion. Angelus releasing Acathla, Spike beating him, the sword fight. I shudder involuntarily, trying to stop the onslaught of disturbing images.

"You cannot be afraid." Angel confronts me, startling me out of my thoughts with his stern tone.. "If at any point you feel fear creeping up on you, turn it to anger, irritation, something sexual would be the best outlet."

"I'm not..."

He drops my arm, bearing down on me, "Bullshit, I can smell it on you already." As he spins towards me, I find myself stepping back. He continues until he's backed me against a nearby wall. Bracing his hands on the plaster on either side of my face, his lips quirk. "Come on Buff, you're not afraid of me." The words are spoken in low, once familiar tones, causing my heart to pound and my anger to rise.

He leans in close. "Remember our night in the graveyard?" I feel my body respond immediately to that memory, the corset suddenly feeling too tight. His hands grab my hips, lifting me off the ground in a forceful recreation of that night. He shifts to cradle my ass, grinding against me, letting me feel him, feel how aroused he is. My hands clutch at his shoulders. "I was inside you," he continues, whispering in my ear, his voice almost mocking me. "You clung to me, grabbed at me. You'd have shattered a normal man's pelvis with how tightly your thighs wrapped around my hips." His lips are brushing my ear as he speaks, teasing both of us. "Now imagine if we hadn't stopped." He thrusts against me, bruising my back against the cold wall even as he pulls me roughly against his now very evident erection.

"Angel..," I'm losing myself to him again. Feeling helpless against the need to feel his body against me, the sense of how much he really does want me. The silk slides sensually beneath my hands as I strain against him.

He drops me abruptly, leaving me standing in open air. Panting as I get my bearings. Sexual frustration turns to raw anger.

"Whatever you're feeling now, cage it. Keep it ready to use." He spins away from me, causing my irritation to rise another notch, my face to flame in embarrassment. Moreso as I hear the girls snickering across the room.

I know what he's doing, and I know it has to be done. He's teaching me in the only way possible given our lack of time. It still hurts to be dismissed like this. It's too much like the morning after we first made love. I derail that thought. Anger, sexual frustration is what I need at my disposal, not painful memories.

I straighten my clothes, fluff my hair again before jogging up the stairs to where he and Spike are waiting at the door.


	23. Chapter 23

The building itself is fairly unassuming as it sits shadowed in the darkness of a recently abandoned industrial area. Old factory/office type, lots of brick, few windows, few lights. I wonder how many times I've passed a place like this and never given it a second thought. Looking now, it's a perfect home for vamps. Strong, easily defended - lack of natural lighting, easy access to water for travel and supplies.

We've taken to walking most places again - since trying to get through the carnage on the roads is almost impossible in places. Most vamps leave us alone at any rate. If they don't sense Angel's power, then they sense mine. With the addition of Spike, the three of us must make a potent combination. Though that doesn't prevent a few scuffles along the way. Those thinking this is a fantastic opportunity to take out the Slayer. Few get anywhere near me with my two Pitbulls.

Angel stops behind a building before we come into view of our target. "Are you ready?" he asks seriously.

I take a deep breath, standing up straight. "Yes, I am." I actually feel more confident now that we're here. Of course a good battle always helps clear the mind.

"Good." Tucking my arm through his elbow, he leads us across the street and into the cramped front offices.

We're immediately greeted by two male vampires. Both of moderate height and looks. They could pass easily as office lackeys if someone wandered into the wrong building by accident.

These two lead us down a corridor into a very extravagantly decorated anteroom. Wainscoting high enough to reach Angel's chin, stained in a deep, rich oak surrounds the room. Before us are two large wooden doors - this reminds me of something out of an old movie, 'Gone With The Wind' style pops into my head.

I have to say it, I can't help myself. "Must be old money," I deadpan. Spike snorts with wry amusement.

Angel shoots me a warning look before admonishing, "behave." Then ruins the whole effect by his lips twitching upwards briefly.

The doors are opened from the inside and we are ushered through. Spike is literally one step behind us, slightly off to my side - the perfect guardian placement.

As we enter I hear hushed and surprised versions of 'Slayer!' around the room. Ignoring any and all comments, Angel walks directly to the opposite end of the room, placing us at the far end of an obscenely large, mahogany boardroom table. Seated in chairs of varying styles are who I assume to be the 'Elders.' Most are older men, distinguished in dress and presence, a few are startlingly young looking. Exceedingly so is the blond man at the other end, eyeing us carefully.

Angel and Spike flank me; Angel to my left, Spike to my right. Both are standing at attention, but with a relaxed confidence. I adopt the same type of stance, trying to keep myself 'feminine' and not 'Slayer'.

"Angelus, you have called this meeting to order. Please inform us of your reasoning?" The Elder at the far end addresses us. He looks as young as Angel, at most thirty when he was turned, but my Slayer is going nuts. I'm used to Angel's power now, but this vampire is giving off at least triple the strength.

"As you have noticed, Buffy has returned to my side, bearing news of great importance. She has encountered a Turok-Han at the Hellmouth."

Various eyebrows rise in concern around the massive table. I count twenty vampires seated.

"Has it been dealt with?" The Elder continues, he has green eyes, almost jade in colour, adding to his mystique.

"Yes."

"Then there is no cause for alarm," he dismiss us.

"Actually," Angel half interrupts with Angelus-esque self-assured tone. "Her Watcher has located a prophecy indicating an army of Turok-Han are to attack."

The concerned looks turn to half-panic, though no one speaks.

"You've fought the Turok-Han?" He aims the question at me.

"I have."

"How would you assess the creature?"

"Agile, much stronger than what I'm used to dealing with."

"You know how to destroy it then?"

"Angelus informed me how, yes." I use Angel's full name, since that's how they address him. Maybe we should have discussed this further...

"Do you not find it odd, a Slayer allying herself with a vampire such as he?" He changes tactics suddenly, making me wary.

Angel squeezes my hand under the table. I understand his warning. "I am sure you are aware of a Slayer's expected life span; therefore I find allies where I can."

"Your Watcher knows of your actions?"

"He is aware."

"He does not object?"

I'm pretty sure he's testing me. "He doesn't interfere, whatever his opinion might be."

The Elder chuckles. "You are selfish then?"

"Yes." I admit blatantly. I am, especially when it comes to Angel. "I do, however, do my Duty as required."

"Though you choose a vampire as your lover." He raises a quick, satisfied eyebrow. "I have also heard stories of you releasing vampires."

"In certain situations, yes I have. If they cross me afterwards, they pay the price. May I be candid?"

Angel quirks an eyebrow my way as the Elder nods his assent.

"What better companion for a Slayer than a vampire of Angelus' stature." I don't phrase it as a question. It's a point I'm trying to get across, possibly to Angel as well.

"You have honesty, as well as honour." He briefly turns to address Angel. "I believe you have chosen well, Angelus." His gaze returns to me, "you shall be our greatest asset." Now I'm confused.

Angel's hand tightens around mine, I'm hoping this is the way he wanted things to go.

"What is it you wish to accomplish today?" He focuses back on Angel. Damn Patriarchal societies.

"An allegiance of sorts. You have asked for my help, now I am asking for yours. The prophesies indicate the Turok-Han army will target the Slayer. I have taken her as my mate, and ask for help in protecting her."

One of the others, sitting near the middle of the table, looks at us disbelieving. "You expect us to believe that the Slayer has not only willingly accompanied you to your bed, but also permitted you to sample her blood?" A few of them guffaw at us. I feel Spike tense beside me before Angel easily reasserts himself.

"My mark is plain on her neck."

"These things can be factitious." The Elder at the far end watches with great interest as things proceed. "Perhaps you can prove yourselves."

Angel smirks at the challenge, stepping behind me. "Trust me," he whispers into my ear as his hand slides around my belly, pulling me back against him.

"Always," I whisper back, tipping my head back into his shoulder, waiting for him. His intentions are clear, causing my whole body to hum with need.

His other hand reaches around in front of me, spanning my throat, just under my chin. I can feel his chin on my shoulder as he edges closer, his chest pressed firmly against my back. "Proof is in the response," he coyly remarks.

I can barely hear him, my heart is hammering so loudly. I cover his hand with mine on my stomach, the other is cradling the back of his head as he positions mine.

His fangs sink in gently, taking a leisurely sip. "Angel!" My body arches back into his, the ache he'd caused earlier turns into full-blown desire raging through me.

His head lifts from my skin, the grin obvious to me as he holds my trembling body against him. There was no way anyone in this room could mistake my reaction to him, to his nearness, to his bite.

He turns me in the circle of his arms. Leaning in close, still wearing his game face, "let them see you kiss me like this."

My arms circle his neck, drawing him the rest of the distance. "Ask me something difficult," I tease. Returning his fiery kiss, I let my tongue graze his fangs, giving him more of a taste. He growls softly, letting me know he's as close to the edge as I am.

He pulls back slowly eyeing those seated before us. " I think she might object in such company - if you want more proof - she does tend to become a tad shy."

My forehead falls to his shoulder while I rein in all the swirling emotions he's awakened.

"You have made your point." I think there's jealousy in that Elder's voice.

"I wish to speak to you offside." The main Elder from the far end of the table summons Angel.

He nods curtly, then gently draws away from me. 'Stay with him.' his eyes say, indicating Spike, standing tensely beside me. I nod, both men heaving a small sigh of relief, making me smile. I'm a bit shaky, more from the rush, then from him drinking.

As Angel steps away, to speak with three Elders across the room, Spike steps closer. "That was quite a show, eh? Did you two plan that one?"

I shake my head, my neck stinging pleasantly. "I had no idea it might come to this."

"Figured the old git wouldn't let you in on that possibility."

I just look at Spike. I can understand his jealousy. It's something I never allowed him. Hell, I never even allowed him near Angel's mark.

There's been a strange tingling in me ever since I walked into this room, I figured it's caused by having so many vamps in such close quarters. As I look around the room, trying to occupy my mind with something other than the memory of Angel's hands on me, my gaze drifts over the artifacts decorating the walls. Most are simple, knifes, swords, katanas, tapestries - cliché, but beautiful in their own right. I'm assuming they all have some sort of significance. I turn around, looking at the walls behind us. Spike's been following my gaze quietly.

That's when I notice it. It's a simple quarterstaff, stained with a cherry finish - which is odd. As I look at it, it seems to look straight back at me.

I find myself backed against Spike. His hands gently grip my arms. "What is it, Luv?"

I shake my head, fighting against the sudden pull. "I don't know. That staff...."

Angel glances over at us, possessiveness sparking in his eyes for the briefest of moments before he regains control.

A few minutes later, after I've tried to bury myself into Spike's chest, Angel strides over, leaving the Elders conversing amongst themselves. I immediately sidle over to him, stretching against him, clasping my arms around his neck as I nibble on his ear.

"The quarterstaff on the wall, what is it?" I whisper as quietly as possible into his ear as I continue nuzzling into him.

His return actions pause as he realises what I'm up to. Possibly feeling whatever it is that's inside me. "The flagellum officii," he says in what I recognise as Latin. "It's a sacred relic; why?"

"It's calling to me. Screaming at me." I tell him with a desperate tinge to my voice. "It's taking everything in me to keep from going to it."

His hands on my waist tighten. "We'll figure it out as soon as we get home."

I nod into his shoulder, taking comfort in his arms, in his closeness. "What's going on?" I ask, discretely watching the Elders over Angel's shoulder.

"They're discussing our offer."

"Offer?" I pull back slightly.

He gives one of his trademark smirks, full of mischievousness. "They help us, we help them."

"I think I could be amenable to that."

He takes a very obvious breath, scenting the air around us. "Distracting you am I?" The smirk grows - probably along with something else.

"Don't start again. It's not polite to tease."

"No one's ever accused me of being polite before."

"Angelus," the Elders begin taking their seats again as Angel, Spike and I move to stand at the end of table again.

The 'leader' remains standing as he speaks to us. "We require more time to deliberate. You must understand, even if we do comply, we cannot guarantee all will abide."

"No leader, no Council can rule over all. Buffy and I are proof of that." All the Elders smile at the irony. "We appreciate any help that might be given."

He gives me a once over; I grip Angel's hand to suppress the shudder. "Your woman looks enervated. I cannot imagine a Slayer remaining in a room such as this is an easy task. You all have conducted yourselves honourably with courage and composure - this will bode well in our deliberations. Please, take your woman, and your Childe home - rest. We will send word to you as soon as we decide."

Despite everything I've been trained to believe, I think I like this Elder. Worldly in his own rights.

Angel nods with a slight bow, then offers his elbow for me. I hook my shaking hand through, working hard to ignore the clamour in my head from the quarterstaff. We are escorted out by the same vamps, and followed a few blocks - possibly for safety sake? Shortly before the three block border around the hotel, they melt into the darkness. My awareness of them fades slowly, causing me to almost sag.

"Buffy?" he pauses feeling my weight on his arm.

"I'm okay... I think. I just need a minute." I take a deep breath, or two as I hang onto Angel, my other arm supported by Spike who stepped up as soon as the sentries disappeared.

"Was it me?" He didn't have to clarify what he was asking.

"No," I shake my head. "It was the power of the Elders, and the pull of that damn stick on the wall."

We enter the hotel. Faith is sitting with the girls as Wes goes over something demonish. It's a frightening reminder of a classroom. Part of me wants to laugh, the other part feels sorry for them. They think being a Slayer is wondrous - they have no idea.

"Keep an eye out in case they send someone. Make sure the kids..."

"Right," Spike chuckles. "No letting little Slayer wannabe's kill the messenger." He grabs a smoke out of his jacket, lighting it, then dropping down on the stairs. Basically making a nuisance out of himself without actually doing anything. He has quite the knack for this.

"Giles?" Angel asks Wes.

"In his room, I believe."

Angel nods his thanks as we climb the stairs, stepping over Spike in the process.

**

We knock on Giles' door. I still feel fidgety.

"Good Lord," he announces as soon as he lays eyes on me. Then he notices Angel. Fear clouds his expression as he rears back

"Giles," I step forward, trying to reassure him while still fighting the call of the quarterstaff. It's pull is weaker, like an itch I can't reach. "He hasn't changed, we went out. I need to talk to you about something."

I'm guessing he hears something in my voice that changes his opinion. Or maybe it's Angel's eyes watching me with obvious concern. "Come in then."

We step through, Angel hanging back, making sure none of his movements are opposing. "I arranged to see the Council of Elders this evening."

Giles' eyebrows shoot up. 'There's one here? In Los Angeles?"

Angel nods, "They've been here for centuries. L.A. affords them much needed cover."

"I would guess so." There's a bitter note to Giles' voice. "At any rate, why would you do such a thing? Not to mention drag my Slayer into their midst?"

I resist the chuckle at 'his Slayer'. It's been awhile since I've heard him use that phrase.

"I've had dealings with them, off and on since I moved here. It's inconsequential. What we have done is informed them of the impending war with the Turok-Han."

Giles lowers himself onto the arm of a chair. "Why?"

Angel quirks a smile. "Vampires hold quite a grudge against them. Turok-Han are a menace. They kill with little, or no regard for reason. I took Buffy with me for two reasons," Angel now has Giles rapt attention. "The first reason being that they know I've marked her as my mate. They've questioned me about her, about my relationship with her many times. This just proves my stand. By going as Angelus, with Spike at my side, I've shown respect for their culture and ideals."

"A master vampire always keeps his chosen mate close, yet guarded by a favoured Childe," Giles surmises.

"Exactly. They all know that Spike has been guarding the Slayer, now they understand why."

"And your second reason?" Giles presses on.

Angel gives me a look, letting me know I'm not going to like what he's about to say. Giles tries to hide a smile at our silent communication. This must be a guy-thing. "By claiming Buffy as mine, by marking her in front of them, and having her respond to me, I've shown them that she is mine. No vampire will tread on that claim without risking my wrath." Even talking with Giles, there's a menacing note to his voice.

Giles chuckles, shaking his head as Angel's words sink in. I'm trying to figure out if I should be mad at him or not.

"You've maintained your reputation, then?" It's not really a question, but Angel nods anyway.

"They've agreed to help in our cause then?"

"They don't know about The First. I only informed them of the prophesy regarding the army of Turok-Han. They'll send a messenger when they've decided. Spike is downstairs standing guard."

"Then what has you concerned?" His eyes shift to me. I find myself very self conscious in this outfit standing in front of him. I cross my arms in front of my breasts, trying to hide somewhat.

"There was a quarterstaff on the wall..."

"flagellum officii," Angel repeats it's name. "It's hung in the Council's chamber for eons."

"The Scourge Of Duty, I've heard of it." Giles nods slowly, his brain clearly working.

"It called to me. Well, more like yelled at me."

Giles turns, striding to a pile of boxes containing books. After a few minutes, and lots of book moving he finds the one he's after and begins riffling through the pages. Of course it was at the bottom of a pile. His eyebrows shoot up his forehead. "Good God."

I step back into Angel, his arms wrap snugly around my middle.

Giles looks pointedly at us. "We need that quarterstaff."

"Why? What is it?" Now he has my attention.

"Extremely powerful, and exactly what we need. It's main use is to dispel non-coporeal entities."

Both Angel and I startle.

"Yay me." I quietly comment. Angel gives me a perfect one eyebrow Mr. Spock look. I let myself consider what it's going to take to get said quarterstaff. "This isn't going to be easy, is it?"

Angel just shakes his head. "Let's wait for news. If they decide to help us, we need to plan on stealing it quietly."

"If not, we go in great guns.... Or stakes in this case?"

"More or less."

A scuffle alerts us to trouble downstairs. Angel gives me a knowing look before rushing down the hallway.

He pauses at the end of the hallway, looking down over the railing, assessing the situation. Spike is trying to guard a vamp I recognise from the meeting earlier. A couple Potentials were doing everything in their power to over throw Spike. He's doing an admirable job, I have to give him that. Angel vaults over the railing, dropping gracefully to the tile floor below. I follow suit, landing a bit harder than him. It's a longer jump than I thought.

"Enough!" I'd never heard Angel bellow before. It's an intimidating sound.

Most of the girls back away, startled by his sudden intrusion, a few others - Kennedy mostly - continue to struggle against Spike. Angel grabs them, easily tossing them aside. When he reaches Kennedy, he flings her to the ground, flashing her an enraged look, paying her no mind beyond that.

"Master," the poor messenger vamp relaxes sighting us at last. It's highly unusual, and rather disconcerting to see - what I assume to be a Fledgling - appear thankful to see a Slayer.

"You have news?" Angel's tone has softened, taking pity on the poor demon. His stance is still that of easy confidence of his surroundings. I'm more than sure he knows of Kennedy's reaction to his treatment of her, of the stakes she's glaring into his back at this very moment. Of the others standing about in shocked amazement that Angel and I would welcome a strange vamp into the hotel. A feeling of betrayal, of true fear floats around us.

"I do. The Council has agreed to your terms."

Angel smiles courteously, his head bowing slightly in thanks.

"They will be in touch, and ask that you return any news you uncover. It is also asked that during this time, unless you, your woman, or others you are pledged to protect are compromised, your actions cease."

Angel nods again in contemplation, "as they wish."

The messenger does a full bow, then backs out, eyeing the Potentials carefully, making sure Angel, Spike and I are standing as protection.

"What the fuck was that?!" It's not the most eloquent phrasing Kennedy has expressed, but I'm sure it's the question of the hour.

Angel smirks, finally facing the teen. "None of your concern."

Rage turns her face bright red, yet she holds her tongue.

"We should tell Giles." He walks past the girls, gently leading me beside him heading towards the stairs. We have a lot to plan now if we have any hope of getting that quarterstaff and keeping our alliance.

We're almost at the stairs when Angel spins suddenly, gently pushing me away from the danger.

In a blinding move he captures Kennedy's wrist, forcing her to drop the stake she had aimed at his back. Capturing her around her midsection, pinning her arms to her body, her back pressed to his chest, his opposite hand grabs her head, bending it to an awkward angle, baring her throat fully to him.

Holding her struggling form off the ground he speaks in hushed tones. "Petulant as you may be, Slayer you are not. Though I have taken out a few of those in my time." It was the most predatory move, most fluid, the most cruel, I'd ever witnessed from him, and he'd done it with such ease. My stunned anger slowly fades to a sick sense of delighted amusement.

She struggles anew as he refuses to let her down. His face morphes, "I'd suggest you cease that immediately, or some demon might mistake that as a blatant invitation." He smirks, leering at her as her ass stops rubbing against his groin. All her struggles stop as she comes to realise she's just burying herself further into his hold.

"I thought you liked that." Her bravado is countered by the tremor in her voice.

He chuckles, grazing his fangs along her neck. "You, little girl, are in no position to irk me."

"You won't hurt me." This time she has more confidence.

"You honestly believe that?" he laughs. Even I shudder hearing that tone, more so as his fangs easily glide into her shoulder.

Kennedy screams, eyes wide in horror, looking to me for help - for once.

He pulls away from her neck, his ridged brow against her ear as he speaks. "You disrespect her, then look to her to save you? You need to learn your place." He bows his head back towards her shoulder, roughly, letting his fangs tear her skin shallowly. "Let this be a lesson to you all. You are living under my roof, being provided for out of my generosity. I am a vampire. Those who forget may need a more serious reminder." He spins, dropping her in a billow of dark clothes, dismissing them in a well deserved manner.

Taking my hand, he guides me upstairs and into his suite.

"Temper much?" I tease, hoping to ease his mood. He didn't really hurt her, just made sure she needs to change her undies.

He looks at me, assuring himself that I am teasing, I assume. "She's highly annoying."

I press my lips together. "You're just figuring that out now?"

He smiles humourlessly. "I won't risk anything we've worked for, to protect the unworthy."

I feel my mouth open to object. He stops whatever I'm about to say by stepping closer, placing a gentle hand over my lips.

"I am here to protect you, to guard you. They are fodder to me. You are the end of the Slayer line to me. No other will be called until you retire. By that time, those girls will be obsolete."

It had never dawned on me before.

"Let's just get you to fifty," his voice rings in my ears from so many years ago. To know that he truly meant it. To finally and completely understand the strength of his devotion. Coupled with everything he's shown me today, it nearly swamps me.

He smiles gently at my reaction, his hands caressing my face, my shoulders. "I might be old fashioned, but I will protect you, for as long as you let me."

My voice is hoarse, full of emotion as I speak, "just like I will you, if you let me."

"My life is yours, Buffy. It has been for years."

The way he's looking at me - he hasn't allowed me to see this side of him in years - so like the first night we had together. "I should get to bed. I... I mean... to my room. It's been a long day. Plus I have the funny feeling things are going to get worse before they get better." I try to step back, but he holds my arms firmly.

"Angel? You asked for space... I..." tipping my head up I look at him, startled by the passion burning behind his eyes. "I don't think I can abide by that tonight if I stay here."

His one hand moves to cover my lips with his fingers, an exact duplication of the way I touched him. "Shhhh, just kiss me." He leans in as the full meaning of his words slam home. My heart skips a beat. His eyes are already closed as he replaces his fingers with his lips. Slow, gentle, building in intensity as we let ourselves go. Free to enjoy each other once more, there is no rush. His hands slide up to my shoulders, holding me at a slight distance as we kiss. I want to be closer, but I know what he's asking; a few minutes of innocence, letting it build, letting the power between us grow. I've felt this before. I thought it was passion, or maybe lust, but now, as his kiss deepens, as he increases the pressure of his lips against mine, as I let my tongue glide along his, I now know what Willow saw, what it is she showed us. I've heard of soul-kisses, used to think it was a more romantic way of saying 'frenching'. I now know the difference, and only Angel can give me this. I'm trying to give him the same. Opening myself to him in every regard.

He sighs softly into our kiss, his hands moving around me, hugging me against his body. I've never worn anything like this outfit before, it's made me acutely aware of my body in a sensuous way. I can feel the cool silk of his shirt glide against the bare swell of my breasts, it's an erotic sensation, one I allow myself to sink into as I lean against him.

I stand on tip-toe, letting myself slide against him, feeling the contours of his body with mine as my hands move under the collar of his shirt, skin to skin I allow myself to caress him, really feel him under my hands, against my chest as he pulls me closer. He'd left a few extra buttons of his shirt undone, as we shift, the corset pushes me up, his shirt opens further, the tops of my breasts come in contact with the bare skin of his chest.

We both pause at the sensation.

How long have I waited for this? How much have I wanted him? And now it's happening.

He smiles, then turns serious as his lips travel across my cheek, down my neck with open mouth kisses. His tongue flicking over my skin, tickling, enticing.

My head tips back into his hand, giving him full access, fully trusting.

His fingers curl into my hair, caressing my skull. He breathes deeply into my cleavage. "Do you have any idea what this means to me? That you trust me?" I can barely understand his words, his voice is shaking so much.

Whatever I am about to say is lost as he kisses my breast, so close to my nipple, it causes my skin to tingle and my back to arch towards him in anticipation. He slowly moves to the other side, dragging his lips along my skin, never breaking contact.

The quick knock before the door to his suite opens startles both of us. Angel's eyes flash amber as Lorne quickly enters the rooms. I groan in disappointment as Angel relaxes his hold on me, straightening us both up.

"I hate to throw a cold shower on you two cupcakes, but I just found a bombshell, and it's a ticking."

His tone sobers us in a hurry. Angel regretfully releases me, then heads for the chairs. Lorne perches on an arm as Angel drops into another. I remain standing, pacing, dread quickly replacing the desire.

"Well?" Angel prompts.

"I've been keeping a proverbial ear to the ground, moving around the city - being good looking and talented gets me into some great bars. Given me all sorts of ideas for a new club."

"Lorne?!" Angel interrupts impatiently.

"Sorry," he looks between us sheepishly. "Anyway seems there's these big bads - though they aren't all that big physically." Angel raises an eyebrow at his friend, obviously annoyed by the side-tracking. "There's word a herd of Morah are in town."

Angel bolts up straight. I stop pacing in mid stride.

"Are you sure?" Angel asks, greatly alarmed.

Lorne just nods with a sad smile. "I'm truly sorry to drop this on you, especially considering what I walked in on. But I think you two needed to know."

Angel nods once, slowly. "Thanks, we appreciate it."


	24. Chapter 24

"Buffy?!" Willow catches me coming out of Angel's room.

"Hey Will, what's up?"

"I was kinda wonderin' that myself?" Her voice is curt, like she's holding something back tightly.

I take a good look at her, clueing in. "Don't tell me," I sigh. "Kennedy is kinda pissed about Angel?"

"Actually, I'm kinda pissed about what Angel did. No. No, I'm not kinda pissed, I'm downright mad!"

I take a deep breath. I'm tired, frustrated, and somewhat scared. This is the last thing I want to deal with. "Did Kennedy mention that she tried to stake Angel in the back?" I keep my tone matter-of-fact, 'cause, well, it is.

Her eyes grow really wide for a split second. "No ... she didn't mention that part. But why would she do that?"

I just give her a look. But then I suppose she deserves a full explanation. "Angel and I were expecting a messenger."

"A vampire messenger!?" she realises, clearly astounded.

"Yes," I answer simply, then continue on. "Angel made it known that this vamp was welcome, but Kennedy refused to back off. Spike was holding her at bay. Angel finally pushed her aside, she fell in the process. Then, after the vamp left, she went after Angel. Granted, he may have gone a little overboard," I shrug. Willow looks genuinely confused, not to mention torn. "Look, Will, I know you're falling for her, but this is Angel's home, whatever Angel decides to do, they have to respect his wishes while they live here."

"But... inviting vamps in? Doesn't that put us all in danger?" She's partially whining at me, making me want to smile at her innocence; while another part of me is frustrated by her lack of trust.

"No, it doesn't. I stood in a room full of vamps today - with Angel and Spike at my side." Her eyes bulge. Then comprehension dawns. "Angel and I are not out of the fight. We might not be playing by the usual rules," I comment offside, "we'll take help anywhere we can get it." I close my eyes briefly, wanting nothing more than to go back into that room, where Angel is and continue what we began a few minutes ago. I open my eyes to find Willow standing closer, a concerned look on her face.

"Are you okay?"

Sadness grips me. "Not really. There's more trouble brewing in the hills. Can you get everyone one together downstairs?"

She nods quickly, "of course."

"Thanks." I step away in search of caffeine.

"Hey, Buffy?" I turn back to face her. "Is what you and Angel doing..... dangerous?"

"That's why they pay us the big bucks," I answer flippantly, without really answering her question.

"Are you sure Angel's... you know not...," she makes a growly face.

My heart drops. I had been sure she would support us, if anyone would. "I know you guys are worried, but you saw the Oracles, you felt the magick, just like I did. There's no reason for you to jump on the 'Angel's gone bad' bandwagon."

"But what if he does?"

Tears war with rage inside me. "Why can't I be happy, Will?" I ask plaintively. "All I've wanted since I was sixteen was him. Now they've bound his soul, and we still don't have a chance to be together. Do you have any idea what that's like?" Tears are winning.

Her eyes drop to the carpet. "I didn't realise.."

I reach out to grasp her hand. "I know you didn't. I'm not trying to lay blame. I just want..." I take a deep, calming breath. "I want a night naked in his arms again." I state blatantly, hoping she'll catch the rest of the innuendo.

She nods, her 'resolve face' settling in place. "Okay. I'll gather the troops." 

 

*

I stop into my room for a lightning fast shower and a change of clothes. I was beginning to feel exposed in those clothes. Still, as I hold up the unlaced corset, I can still feel Angel's hands, his lips, on my body. Maybe I'll have to invest in something like it - a bit more tame, but sexy and revealing for when we go out.

I drop the top onto my bed, dressing in a pale pink tank-top and faded old jeans. Now I feel like myself as I lace up my pant-boots.

By the time I get downstairs, Willow has gathered everyone into the lobby. Willow motions with her hands, telling me it's my stage.

I look to Wes, "can you dig up a picture of a Morah demon?"

His brow furrows briefly. "Of course, just one minute."

I figured he had one nearby after the conversation the other day in the gym. Two minutes later he arrives with a book in hand.

"What's this about?" Giles asks from his seat behind the counter.

I take the book, holding up the picture for all in the room to see. I can still hear it's voice in my head. 'Together you are powerful, alone you are dead.' I shake my head, tossing that thought aside.

I can feel Angel nearby. Looking up I find him, palms resting on the railing, his shoulders hunched, his expression guarded.

I get onto answering Giles' question. "Lorne has just informed us that a number of Morah demons have entered the city." The girls groan as Faith comes up to inspect the picture more closely. "These demons are strong, agile, good fighters."

"Unlike some Slayers we know." Kennedy's voice drifts up from the front of the crowd. Willow drops an admonishing hand to her girlfriend's shoulder.

"Ay! Shut up and listen up!" Faith stands up for me, glaring at the dark haired brat.

"There's only one way to kill them - smash the jewel on its head." I point to said object in the centre of its forehead in the picture. "They can take hits. They might look like you've killed them, but unless you take out the jewel, you won't take out the demon."

"Have you fought one before?" A blond girl, newer arrival, asks shyly.

"I have. A few years ago Angel and I ran into one. He thought he had killed it, but it returned a day later - completely regenerated - that is their power. Be careful, once you smash the jewel, you're in for one Hell of a light show. The light starts in the hole the jewel left behind, then engulfs the demon - it's really bright - so make sure you think ahead if there is more than one surrounding you. If it blinds you, you're a goner."

"Do we know what they are after?" another girl - Analise I think her name is - asks.

"Me, Angel, probably Faith as well. They were explained to me as being assassins for the Dark side. And does that sound cheesy, or what?" I get a few chuckles for that.

"And why are they coming now?" Xander stands up.

Anya grabs his sleeve. "Remember what we talked about, Honey. We don't want to be kicked from this warm, safe place onto our asses by our most gracious hosts."

I turn away, pretending to put the book down, all the while stifling a burst of laughter. So this is why Anya's been so quiet. I was starting to wonder if she was sick. I catch a glimpse of Angel as I turn back. He's still in the same position, only shaking his head despairingly.

"I don't know why now." I get around to Xander's question. He just nods.

"Okay," Gunn stands up, obviously itching to get on with the battle. "So, how much strength does it take to kill one of these bastards?"

"About the same as staking a vampire." Angel tells Gunn from behind him, making him jump. This seems to be a timeless ritual between the two guys. Gunn fires Angel an obviously well used, angry look. Angel tries to look apologetic, not fooling Gunn.

"Cordy and Connor should know." Dawn stands up, "I can go tell them."

Angel is about to protest when Spike appears at Dawn's side. "I'll take the Nibblet."

"Fine," Angel waves a hand in dismissal.

"No, it's not fine!" I step up.

"Spike said he'd take me so I'm going." She places her hands on her hips indignantly.

"You can call them, it's safer." I try to reason.

"We're going."

I take hold of her arm to restrain her. "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" I'm starting to get pissed at her.

"The 'k' and the 'w'," she states turning from me as I look at her in confusion.

Spike lets out a bark of laughter. "She's got you on that one, Slayer."

My shoulders drop as I get her joke. "Alright," I wave them off, trying not to give her the satisfaction of seeing me laugh at her quip.

"I knew if I baffled you you'd see things my way."

I roll my eyes as they leave, chatting easily.

"Okay, everyone down to the gym for more training." Faith hops off the counter she'd just hoisted herself up on. There's a mixed reaction from the Potentials - some happily file down the stairs looking forward to the workout, others groan, dragging their butts in the same direction.

Angel waits for me at the bottom of the staircase. "Giles has a few books on the subject we inquired about earlier."

Oh, great, cryptic-guy is back. At least this time I have half a clue as to what he's talking about. My eyes catch movement above us causing my eyes to shift to the top of the stairwell. Giles is leaning over the railing waving two books in the air above us. As he notices he has my attention, he lets one of the books fall. I catch it with ease just before Angel catches the second book.

"Those should also contain references. See what you can find and get back to me. I have a number of archaic novels I'm searching as well."

I can't help but groan loudly. Oh yippie, more research. Angel gives me one of his amused, but disciplinary looks. I flop down in one of the couches and start flipping through the pages. Angel gracefully seats himself on the opposite end of the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table as he opens the book in his hands. 

 

**

Angel leads me back into the main room where all the Elders are already seated. I glance around as Angel speaks with them; their conversation strangely doesn't interest me - to the point of not comprehending what they are talking about.

I let my eyes travel over the walls again. I didn't feel the pull of the Quarterstaff when we entered this time. I look for it, only to find the walls bare - every artifact has been removed.

I look to Angel, only to find he's moved behind me again. I feel his arms slide around me, pulling me back against him. His grip is strong, bordering on painful as he holds me. Beginning to feel trapped by him, I shift to loosen his hold. He tightens in response. Confused, I tip my head up in an attempt to look at him, to find out what he wants me to do, only to find him in gameface, leering down at me. My heart jumps as he roughly grabs hold of my hair, yanking my head to the side. My body jumps in agony as he bites down. I struggle against him, for once honestly fighting to get away from him. My body weakens as he greedily gulps down my blood. He releases me abruptly. I catch a glimpse of his shocked face as the world goes black.

I jolt awake, sending the book in my lap flying as I stand. Finding Angel standing in front of me; I back-peddle away in fear. He steps forward after me. Looking wildly around the room, I find us in the hotel, Giles, Faith and a few of the Potentials staring at us like we've lost our minds.

I stop and force myself to look at Angel. His face shows the pure terror I'm feeling. I touch my neck - his mark - finding it still closed, and mostly healed. My brain begins to function again. I have no idea how long we were alseep.

"Were you...?"

"Yeah, I was."

"Then The First...?"

"Is controlling our dreams again." He remains a step away from me, waiting for me to calm. Waiting for both of us to calm I think.

I take a shaky breath, rubbing my face with both hands. "Oh God!"

"What?" Angel and Giles ask at the same time.

"It knows about the Quarterstaff." I look to Angel to confirm what I saw, "in the dream, all the artifacts were gone from the walls - right?"

"Buffy," he closes the small distance between us hesitantly. I'm no longer afraid of him, the terror of the dream receding as reality sinks in. "It might not know of any of the relics on the walls in there."

I'm grateful for his strong, yet gentle hold on my arms. It's familiar, comforting and completely opposite to how he held me in the dream we just shared. "Before, when it was haunting you, could it... access your thoughts?"

Angel's brow furrows, "I don't know. It knew things, things about my past."

"That information could have come from Watcher's Diaries." Both Angel and I look at Giles confused. Giles clears his throat uncomfortably. "The Council had extremely in-depth records of Angelus' exploits over the years."

Angel snorts bitterly, "I should have known."

"In any regard, I would appreciate knowing what you both saw in the dream."

I look at Angel with a nod and a shrug. "If Giles can help us decipher these dreams, then maybe we can find a way to protect ourselves from The First interfering again."

"Let's go into my office." Angel takes my hand as Giles moves to follow.


	25. Chapter 25

"What you up to?" Angel knocks on my door, peeking his head around briefly before entering.

"Reminiscing." I flip another page in the picture album lying in front of me on the bed. "You know, mom and I used to talk about you." I tuck my legs further under me, dragging the album closer.

"Now I'm scared," he jokes.

I ignore his tone, "no reason." I point out a picture of mom. "This one was taken shortly before she died. She was going out on a date and was so nervous. Dawny and I teased her mercilessly."

"That's a great memory to cherish," he sits on the bed, across the album from me.

"Mm," I agree half-heartedly, turning another page. "It's funny, when mom got to really know you, after you returned, she wasn't so mad at me for giving myself to you." Angel freezes, staring at me, startled by my revelation. I can't help but smile slightly.

"She still didn't like the age difference, nor the vampire thing, but she said she paid more attention to you, to us, once she found out about the whole Slayer thing. She once told me that she envied and pitied us." Angel nods, his eyes dropping to the bedspread, knowing exactly what she meant.

"What I find more humorous is that my so-called friends were the ones that almost drove me into Angelus' arms."

Angel's head snaps up, "Wha...?"

"I hated them for that," I continue bitterly, as if he hadn't spoken. "For blaming me - us - for doing something beautiful in the innocence and naivety of love. There were times when they were at me, when he was taunting me, that I just wanted it all to be over. Whether he killed me, or turned me, I didn't care as long as I got to have your body one more time.

"I know it was foolish," I stop whatever he's about to say by rushing on. "That it was stupid - but I love you so much, missed you more than I dared to admit."

I flip another page, my hand running over the glossy plastic, covering what's left of my old life.. "When you broke up with me, I knew why - deep down - putting aside all the 'sunshine and freak show' bullshit. I used to think we were stronger, more mature, that we could handle ourselves. In the end, you were the mature one, the realistic one. Not to mention the tension between us - sexual and otherwise - was tearing us apart." I pause for breath, to let everything sink in, but I need to get this out, before he can interrupt me and change the direction of what I'm trying to say. "I promised myself when you showed up a few weeks ago that I wouldn't push, that I'd respect any and all decisions you made. I didn't care in what regard our relationship stood - just as long as we have one."

He sits there, staring at me for a few minutes, scaring me and comforting me with his intensity. When he finally speaks, it startles me. "You know your mother was vital in my reasoning for leaving?"

"I know. She told me. I was so mad at her to begin with. Then I thought about it, thought about everything you said, everything the Mayor said, everything I had ever considered about us, and I let it drop."

"Just 'let it drop'?"

"Yeah. It still hurts when I think about it. Even now, sitting here with you, after everything we've said to each other in the past weeks, my brain can't wrap itself around graduation."

He nods, "since I left yo..." his head drops. "Since I left Sunnydale, you know, I've worked so hard, trying to make things right, to do the right thing. Not necessarily for redemption, but because I felt it was the right thing to do. You showed me that it was the right thing to do. You showed me the satisfaction this life can give. And yet, no matter how I try, no matter what I do, once they find out what I am..."

"They shun you. I know."

"Darla told me, not long after I was turned, that the things my father said, his defeat over me would last a lifetime. I didn't think.... I didn't believe her. Others I've worked with since then, some that I've worked closely with in the past few years, they all...," he throws his hands in the air as he stands. "It feels like they can defeat me, the way it took my father twenty years to accomplish, with a few simple words."

"I kinda know what you're feeling, what you're thinking. It's as if it's never enough, especially for those closest to us. Xander's little speeches - they cut worse than any knife or claw."

"He was the first to verbally attack me after you cured me before your graduation. I was feeling guilty enough for letting it happen. But they - all of them - the way they looked at me when they realised I'd fed off you...."

"Yet it's okay for Xander to do everything for his 1100 year old vengeance demon, but not for me to do the same for my souled vampire." I spit with true bitterness. "The double standards kill me - on many levels."

"What you said about Anya, did she really commit so many crimes?"

"I think so. For example, Will found a frat house full of murdered college boys - and the girl who'd made the wish. Anya unleashed a spider demon that caused said chaos, then it roamed Sunnydale for a bit afterwards. That's one of the very few incidents that I can prove was her doing." I take a deep breath. "I love my friends. For the most part. I'm very thankful for them, but sometimes they make me feel so alone. So different - and not in a good way. They don't trust us."

"They don't take the time to know us."

"I saw the way Cordy reacted to you just because of the clothes you were wearing. Giles did the same, not even really looking at us. That hurt.

"You are the only one I've ever completely opened up to. Riley and I were together about the same length of time as we were, even though I was more physically intimate with him." I watch as the hurt crosses his eyes. "In all that time I never let him see me. He used to complain that I never leaned on him, that I didn't let him into my heart. I guess I couldn't."

"Why?"

"Right off the bat, we had things separating us."

"You being the Slayer being one of them?"

"Yeah. But even after he found out, it was like he had to prove he was stronger than me, better than me. And the demon issues... I know he didn't mean it in a demeaning way, yet I always felt as though he had this stand on life and that was the only way things ever went down. So I held back. I never had to do that with you. You knew about the world, about me, accepted me as I am with all my gazillion faults, and still loved me."

"Here is where I recognize what you're talking about. I thought that since Cordy knew me, saw me after I'd changed, that maybe we could have some kind of a relationship. She never trusted me, not completely. Her insults, the snide comments and unknowing cruelty bore deeper than I thought. I missed the feeling of trust I saw and felt every time we were together. I wanted that back desperately."

"You probably convinced yourself you didn't deserve that kind of faith and love. But you do. With everything we do on a daily basis, why is it that we are told we are not allowed to have love? We both know people far less deserving that have more than satisfying love lives. Lives period. Yet we're not allowed."

"Until now." He steps closer, cupping my cheek in his large palm.

"The Powers have given us this gift, why can't the others accept it? Xander witnessed it, but he still lashes out at us?" God I wanted him to have a sound reasoning for my friend's behavior.

"I don't know, I don't understand why they turn against us."

"Could it have something to do with the Beast? Or maybe The First?"

Angel looks evenly at me. "This has been going on for much longer than that. I think it's fear, possibly jealousy."

My head drops, "I know."

"I don't want to admit it either, that after everything we've all been through, that they could think of us like that. Maybe we need to face facts. They will never truly accept us individually, even less likely as lovers. I can deal with that, as long as we're together. How about you?"

I tip my head sideways to look up at him. "You already know the answer to that. You have been my Guardian Angel since I became a Slayer. Then so much more. I've never stopped thinking about you, fantasizing about us being together - being lovers again. When things turned bad, all I wanted was to run to you, if for nothing more than an understanding ear to bend."

There's a knock at my room door. "Buffy? I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have four more girls on their way." Giles sticks his head into my room.

Angel groans. "I think I need to hire a cleaning service."

I step back, breaking the air of intimacy. "I can just see the ad now," I close the picture album, placing it on the night table. "Ex-Scourge of Europe seeking discreet cleaning person. Experience dealing with rambunctious, overly arrogant teen aged girls, grumpy vampires and eclectic demons an asset. Must be impervious to apocoli. Please forward resume to Hyperion Hotel."

Both Giles and Angel just look at me. Then Angel starts laughing, causing poor Giles to look like he's experiencing a coronary.

"He does do that," I tell Giles in regard to Angel laughing. "I know it's a scary sight." Angel shakes his head at me, still chuckling.

"Unbelievable," Giles looks from Angel to me, then back again.

"What?" I ask.

"The comfort level you've established. That you can be so blatant with one another. I'm not sure if I find that reassuring or not."

"I'm allowed to be complacent about my existence now." Angel's voice takes on a dark undertone.

"No, no..." Giles hurries on. "I meant no offence. This is paternal instincts rushing to the fore."

Angel chuckles, immediately relaxing.

"Would you two mind filling me in on this?"

Taking my hand, Angel leads me out and up the stairs, "I'll tell you as we're setting up the rooms." I groan; house cleaning was never my specialty. 

 

**

Angel and I set out to find the new girls. Faith, Gunn and Fred; Spike, Willow and Xander - making three teams of us - all head off in different directions to scour the city. We pick the docks.

"This was so much easier in Sunnydale," I whine as we stroll. Taking our time seems to be the best bet for survival. The streets are crawling with demons - some friendly, some exceedingly not. "There was one bus stop, one tiny airport, only a few miles of docks. Here, I don't know how we'll find these girls." Pouting I belt a fledge towards Angel who easily stakes it. "At this rate, we'll need two days to reach the dockyard." Another vamp scurries behind a building obviously having seen what happened to his friend.

"And what about the quarterstaff thingy? How are we gonna get our hands on it?"

"It's being taken care of." Angel answers offhandedly.

I turn to question him.

Hearing the scream, just like the one from our dream, Angel and I bolt down the street. Rounding the street corner, I skid to a halt, my brain unable to process what's happening right in front of my eyes.

"You've ruined it all!" The Beast growls at an Uber vamp, who is standing over Cordy's limp body. Connor is kneeling at her side, in an ever growing pool of her blood.

Snarling, Ubie leaps over Connor and Cordy, going after the Beast. Swiping at it, the Beast bats the vamp to the side. Remaining standing, the vamp grabs the Beasts arm, moving as if to throw it off it's feet. Pulling as it spins around, it rips off the Beast's arm. Howling in rage and pain the Beast goes after the Turok-Han, ready to kill it. The vamp raises the arm in it's hands, using it as a weapon. Plunging it into the Beast's chest, it punctures the rock-like skin, shattering the creature.

My jaw hits the ground as the Beast dissolves before my eyes. As he disappears, the moon returns, shedding it's bright, white glow.

The Uber vamp sniffs the air, catching scent of something, it abruptly turns back to where Cordy is lying a few feet behind him. As it leaps back to the couple on the ground, I grab the axe Angel's been carrying, jumping after it. Landing in front of it, beside Connor, I swing, beheading it.

Angel is already at Cordy's side, checking for a pulse, looking her over before lifting her unconscious body into his arms. He bolts in the direction of the hospital, leaving me and Connor struggling to follow.

 

**

We stand in the far reaches of the waiting room, while Connor holds his vigil as close to the emergency area as possible. Leaning back against a corner, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his body rigid in concern and fear, his head bowed, yet his eyes are constantly moving under the fringe of hair - he reminds me more and more of his father.

I look back to Angel who is slowly pacing the room, his eyes alert for any sign - whether it's of danger, or doctor, I'm not really sure. Of all the things I've seen, especially lately, nothing seems to compare. I catch Angel looking at me, the fear in his eyes mirrors mine. It all hasn't computed yet. The Beast, the Uber vamp, and Cordelia lying in so much blood...

I shiver, thankful as Angel wraps his arms around me from behind.

"She's gonna be okay," he reassures softly, kissing my temple. I try to make myself believe him.

The hospital is a bustle of activity. Wounded are constantly pouring in, the doctors work non-stop behind the emergency room doors. Yet the waiting room is eerily quiet. I wonder how much of L.A. will be left when the sun comes up tomorrow. That's another thought that scares the Hell out of me. The fact that Angel will be restricted again. I was really enjoying being able to come and go as we pleased.

I heave a sigh, snuggling into him, pulling his arms further around me as we resign ourselves to the wait.

I think I was dozing against Angel's chest, letting him hold me up, when the doctor approaches Connor. Immediately alert, we move closer.

"There are some internal injuries, those we stabilized quickly. Her head injury is severe, but there doesn't appear to be much swelling," the doctor was saying. "We were unable to save the baby." Connor's head drops like a stone as grief engulfs us all. "We stopped the hemorrhaging fairly quickly. Barring any further complications, and with a bit of time, she will make a full recovery."

Jaw clenched against his emotions, Connor asks, "When can I see her?"

"She should wake in few hours, you can see her then."

"Thank you," Connor acknowledges quietly.

"There's some paperwork that needs to be addressed at the nurse's station." Connor looks up, slightly panicked at the doctor's words.

Angel immediately steps forward, "I'll take care of it." Connor looks at his father, dumbfounded. The doctor nods once, probably figuring out that Angel is Connor's father, then moves on, leaving us to deal.

"Connor," Angel calls softly as his son steps away.

He whirls back at his father, grief turning to anger. "You can't fix this, Dad! You can't make it better!"

"No, I can't." Angel admits softly. "But I can help you deal. Believe me when I say... I know what it's like to lose a child."

Connor's expression is unfathomable as he stares at his father. Angel moves closer, needing to comfort his son.

"Dad, I..." Connor's body sags. Angel catches him, pulling his son's body tightly against himself. Clutching at Angel's back, Connor buries his head into Angel's shoulder, no longer able to hold back the sobs of anger, fear and anguish.

I hang back, keeping an eye out, making sure they are safe, truly touched by the sight of them. Angel's eyes squeeze shut, a few tears escaping as the force of Connor's ragged sobs jar through his body.

How ironic that this may be what finally unites father and son.


	26. Chapter 26

I don't think that I can tell you what this means to me   
But here I am, so hard to believe   
That I'm standin here, that I've come this far   
But you always said have faith in who you are 

I wanna take this time to thank you for the love you gave   
From this moment, you've got to know 

I never wanted something more   
And I never felt so sure   
'Cause now I've got this chance to be   
Everything you saw in me   
And even more than I ever dreamed before   
As long as you are here with me   
I know that I can be something more 

Looking back now, it's so clear to me   
That you were sent to share my destiny   
'Cause there were times when I was ready to walk away   
But you gave me strength to face another day   
~ Something More   
\- Ryan Malcolm 

 

I lost track of time as I watched over Angel and Connor. It moved something within me to see them like this - father and son sharing something deeply emotional. When Connor calmed, Angel gently lowered him to one of the grey plastic chairs, crouching before him, never losing contact. 

Lifting his hand with a gentleness I'm very familiar with, Angel sweeps a lock of Connor's hair off his forehead. "I'm gonna go fill out that paperwork, okay?" 

Connor nods, his body slumped in the chair. I take the seat next to him, placing my hand over his where they're locked together on his knees. Connor eyes me warily for a moment, then relaxes, his thumb moving over my hand. 

I hear Angel release a breath as he stands. I watch him slowly make his way over to the nurse's station. 

"Why are you doing this?" Connor asks, his voice gruff. "You and Cordy were never..?" 

"No, Cordelia and I were never close, but we were friends once - or at least I see it that way. She did a lot for me when we were in high school, and she's done so much for Angel. I'm worried about her..., about you." 

Connor looks directly at me, then lets his head hang again, all the while his fingers are gently playing with mine. I tend to forget how young he is. 

"This isn't an end." 

"I dunno," he shrugs pitifully. "What if she doesn't...?" 

"Whoa, hold on there," I stop him before he can say it. "I've seen the two of you together." Connor's eyes shift back to mine with a hint of curiosity mixed with a touch of suspicion. I can't help but smile at him. "Angel and I patrol too." I answer his unasked question. "The way you two walk together, your body language, how you talk to each other; and let's face it, Cordy never does anything she doesn't really want to." 

That earns me a small smile, "no, she doesn't." 

"I understand your insecurities, but I think Cordy is going to need you now." 

He turns to me, eyes bright with unshed, probably unwanted tears. "I haven't treated you very well, yet, you're here." His eyes drift to where Angel is leaning over the counter, his head in one hand, pen in his other carefully filling out the forms laid before him. 

"You're young, Connor, and you're learning about people, about life." I take a deep breath, considering what it is I want to say to him while I have this chance. "I'm going to say something that you probably don't want to hear, but I'm asking that you keep an open mind until I'm finished; 'k?" He nods slowly, warily. "I don't know much about where you grew up, or the man that raised you," I can already see his hackles rise. "I only know what Angel's told me - which really amounts to squat. So I'm making this assessment from what I see, from what I've learned from counseling." Connor's still listening, but his hands have stilled and his body is tense. I figure I might as well take the plunge. "In all honesty, could Holtz have done what he did, left you with such a legacy of vengeance, and violence, taken himself away from you, if he loved you?" 

Connor's breathing stops briefly. I know I've hit a nerve when his head slowly drops to my shoulder. "I don't know." He's shaking like a leaf. Wrapping an arm around his shoulders, I mimic Angel's earlier actions, sliding my fingers slowly through his hair. My other hand is still on his knees where he's holding it. At least he didn't take my head off. 

Movement off to the side and slightly behind me catches my eyes. I shift, keeping Connor's head comfortably against my shoulder. Angel stands watching us, his lips slightly parted in wonder, his eyes reflecting his elation at seeing us like this. 

Oh yes I'd thought about it. About what it would have been like to have carried Angel's child, to have shared his family with him. But this is the closest I'll ever experience, and I'm treasuring it, memorizing the way Angel's looking at me, the warmth of his gaze mixed with the warmth of his son curled into my side. If only this had come during more pleasant times. 

Connor sees his father, his head lifting for a better look before returning to its former place. I close my eyes, resting the side of my head against the top of his. I wonder if this is what parents feel like when their children grow up. Connor is so much bigger than I am, his body already starting to broaden like his father's, yet he feels so comfortable in my arms. 

Angel drops to his haunches in front of us, his cool hand covering ours. The four hands slowly intertwine on top of Connor's jean clad knees. I can't see the expression on Connor's face, but from the look on Angel's, it's not one he's used to receiving from his son. 

"I think I'd like to be alone while waiting for Cordy to wake up." Connor asks quietly. 

Angel lets out a slow shaky breath. "If you need anything, call me. If I can't come, I'll send Gunn, okay?" 

Connor's head slowly lifts from my shoulder as he nods. 

"I'd also like it if you two would consider coming back to the hotel when they release her, if only until she's recovered," Angel rushes on. "I'm worried about both of you, and with Cordy weak..." 

"I'll ask her," Connor interrupts Angel's little speech, making me smile. Yet another side of him I'm seeing for the first time. 

"Okay," Angel stands, helping me up in the process. 

"Thank you," Connor's voice startles us as we begin to make our way out into what's left of the night. 

Angel swings back to share a look with his son, and understanding what's developing. I fight to hold back the happy tears, knowing this is probably the most they've shared since Connor was taken from him. 

**   
We enter the hotel about an hour before dawn into sheer chaos. Girls are lying everywhere covered in blood and soot. 

"What the Hell happened?" Angel steps past me to help Giles carry in a few of the more gravely injured Potentials. 

Fred and Wes have the lobby set up like a triage, Gunn seems to be standing guard - very well armed I might add. 

"I messed up." Faith tells me from Spike's arms as he carries her past us. I follow them, watching as he carefully lays her on one of the make-shift cots - which really amounts to piles of sheets on the tile floor. She winces as she tries to sit up. "We captured a Bringer." She pauses noting my total surprise. "He told us about an armory," 

It finally clues in, "but it was a trap?" 

Faith nods slowly, "yeah, deep enough underground to lead us in and trap us for the big production." 

I can't help but snicker at the irony. "Been there, done that." 

Faith just looks at me for a second, "you?" 

"Oh yeah, many times." Maybe I can ease her of the guilt by admitting to some of my more rash decisions. 

"But, I lost....." 

"One fight, not the battle." I rush in. "This is not a defeat, unless you allow it to be. Don't you think The First had this planned? That it was waiting for one of us to come up with this strategy?" 

Faith's head drops, "It was me, I lead them...." 

"Faith," I drop to sit beside her, taking over Spike's job of sponging off her wounds. "Maybe now you can understand what it's really like." I don't want to scare her, but for all our pretension, being the Slayer sucks. 

"I do, or at least I think I do now." She snorts dryly, "and I used to think you had it all." 

I glance over at Angel who's in deep conversation with Wes and Giles, "not remotely." 

Faith stiffens, just as I feel it too. Standing I turn to face the entranceway - no one else seems to feel it. 

The door bursts open, startling everyone as a tall, scantily, but loudly dressed, brunette comes bounding in, obviously familiar with the hotel and Angel for that matter. 

"This what you wanted?" My jaw hits the floor as she tosses the Quarterstaff at Angel, who easily deflects it towards me.


	27. Chapter 27

The tingling in my mind grows as the staff flies towards me. Reaching, I grab for it, amused as I realise that if I don't catch it, Faith will receive it in the face - though at one point in time, that might have been tempting.

My world narrows as my skin come in contact with the wood. Everything inside me focuses on the staff in my hand. The tingling turns into a full roar, enrapturing my mind.

I struggle within to find a piece of myself, to regain control of my own body. I'm fighting against it as it invades my thoughts, almost as if a living entity is flowing through my skin, into my veins.

I can't get enough control to let go of it, the longer I hold it, the less of myself I can find. I feel my brain converging, trying to protect whatever's left from the prying tendrils of whatever possesses this thing.

A sudden jolt ends it all.

I open my eyes slowly to look directly at something black. My eyes follow it upwards until I meet Angel's worried gaze. I take a deep breath as I take stock of my surroundings. I'm lying across Angel's thigh, my butt on the floor, my head resting in the crook of his elbow. Spike is standing over us holding the staff, looking at it strangely. My hand feels burnt where the wood crossed my palm. I try to move my arm, finding it paralyzed. Worried, I try to sit up. Unable to, I squint up at Angel, trying to hold the rising panic in check while conveying what I need.

"Rest a minute, give your body time to recover."

"Wha...?" I barley manage to crack that out.

"You had a seizure of some sort." Giles steps into my view.

"Great, the answer to everything and we don't have the instruction manual." Angel smiles, Giles doesn't. My whole body is going through a severe case of pins and needles - except my hand, which still remains useless, though my brain acknowledges it as part of my body once more. My voice sounds more like a sick version of Marge Simpson, but at least it's working.

The brunette who brought it in steps closer. "How come that didn't happen to me? Or are my gloves coming in handy again?"

Angel looks to Giles to confirm his suspicions as he shakes his head. "It won't affect anyone other than her."

Her actually pretty face scrunches up in confusion, "why?"

"Because she's the Slayer," Giles supplies.

Now she looks at me in disbelief. "You're the Slayer?!" Her eyes dart from me to Angel a few times.

"That's me, and well, Faith is too." I can finally turn my head towards Faith, finding her extremely wigged.

"I ain't touching that thing!" she announces.

I have to laugh, Faith who used to be afraid of nothing. With Angel on one knee, I grab hold of him for support to sit up. Cradling against him, with my back resting against his raised knee, I am more than happy for his strength at the moment.

Spike's still hovering close; that shouldn't surprise me. "Not all of us can have your electrifying personality." he aims at the new girl.

"Huh?" I eloquently ask them to clarify.

"Gwen has the ability to electrocute anything she comes in contact with." Angel helps me to my unsteady feet.

Gwen smiles sweetly, showing her arms, gloved up to the elbows. So that's why Angel asked her to get the staff.

Giles takes the staff from Spike's hands. "Obviously this requires some training."

"And research," Willow proclaims from across the room where she's still tending to wounded girls.

I groan. Gwen whispers something to Angel that I don't bother listening to before she takes her leave, much less dramatically than her entrance I might add.

With my wits returning quickly, I take a realistic look around the room. We've lost a number of Potentials in this battle. Many of the others will be out of commission for weeks. Yes, they do have some accelerated healing, but nothing like mine, or Faith's. We need to regroup in a desperate way.

I feel like I'm sinking, laden with boulders. We've lost so much tonight, even with the defeat of the Beast, and Angel's acquaintance bringing the staff, I think we've taken ten steps back to our three forward in the past months.

The female Oracle appears, floating above our heads in the centre of the hotel lobby, her male counterpart stands - if you can call floating in an upright position standing - nearby.

"You have been granted a gift," the male throws in a nasty tone towards Angel and I. "Yet, you do not take advantage of it. Why?"

"I.... I don't understand." The confusion and despair that was eating me a few seconds ago turns to something much more oppressive. Even the Oracles are blaming me. "What does a gift have to do with our battle?"

Angel steps forward, squeezing my hand, warning me I think. "We have issues that need to be worked out before it can progress." Angel explains cryptically.

The female floats over us, smiling gently - which is kinda freaky. "You must understand the need for your power to mature. The small victory of this evening is only the start of what is to come." Okay, now I'm totally confused, and by looking at Angel, I'm sure he is too.

"We had thought you would recognise it, as the Red Wiccan has given you a small example of your potential." We both just look at him.

"I know we have a connection," I speak to her, since she seems to be the more compassionate of the two, the one most likely to share too, I think. "That that connection holds a great deal of power."

"Indeed," the male snorts.

She fires him a dirty look before continuing. "The Morah demon was correct in its summation of your power."

"Together you are powerful, alone you are dead," Angel and I recite together.

"Yes. To speak plainly, your power grows in direct proportion to your level of intimacy."

Angel and I stand, gaping at her, completely dumbfounded.

She almost laughs at us, "you must realise, gifts are never offered without due cause."

With that, they both dissipate in a soft green glow.

"Does that mean they are going to have sex right now? 'Cause I'd really like to see that." Anya comments cheerfully from across the room where she's bathing a nasty wound. "Xander, you should watch," she points at us with a filthy piece of gauze. "You could learn something from a vampire of his experience."

Angel and I pause as we move towards each other. There's no way Anya said what I think she just did. Seeing Angel's incredulous expression, I know I did hear her right.

"Anya!" Xander half yells in embarrassment. "And can I say EW!" He makes a point of giving a dramatic shudder almost spilling boiling hot water on himself.

I start laughing, I can't help myself. "Is there any chance that some tiny aspect of our relationship will be kept private?"

"Sorry, B," Faith lies back, tucking her hands behind her head, "it's the price you have to pay. And what's taking you two so long anyway?!"

I groan, letting my forehead bang against the top of Angel's chest, under his chin. "I think it's a good thing we had that talk the other day."

"I do too," his hands slowly rub up and down the backs of my arms.

"So go, shoo!" Faith flutters both hands towards the stairs.

"This is highly embarrassing."

"Talk about performance anxiety." Neither of us have moved yet.

"I don't think you're in need of Viagra yet. Though think of the publicity they would get. 250 year old vamp..." I duck his half-hearted backhand, laughing. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm madly turned on, but the vision of Cordy in the street flashes through my mind. "I think we have a few things to tell everyone before we can have private time."

Angel's expression immediately clouds, "that we do." He looks towards the slowly brightening sky outside, which everyone seems to have missed up to this point.


	28. Chapter 28

They were all around us, circling, never tiring. Punch. Kick. Spin. Swing the Quarterstaff essentially knocking a Bringer's block off; which I might add, is highly satisfying. Onto the next. Again and again pressing forward. 

I catch sight of Angel not far behind me, he's making light work of those that come too close. I duck, hearing the wind whistle over my head as the dagger barely misses my skull. No time to check on the others. 

I manage to break through the hoards of Bringers. The First shimmers confidently in front of me, taunting me, trying to distract me so his minions struggling to close in behind me can get one good shot. 

I refuse to let them. I force myself to remain focused. I can still hear Angel, and by the sounds he's making, he's doing well - taunting them in return as he kills them, gaining ground. 

I'm finally close enough. The First thinks it's invincible - I know differently. The Staff is buzzing my hand, in my head. I can feel the power coursing though me, channeling. Feeling that power peak as Angel draws near, I swing. A sure fire death-blow. 

The staff swings though the shimmering form, doing no more damage than breaking up the visual illusion. 

I stand, dumbstruck as The First laughs knowingly. More Bringers materialize, pouncing on Angel, taking him to his knees before he disappears from my sight, before another wave of them advances on me. The First's laughter rings around us like some sick horror movie. 

"ANGEL!" I awake to find myself in Angel's office in the hotel. The Quarterstaff is leaning against the wall behind the desk, Angel is now crouched in front of me. 

"Buffy?" I turn wild eyes to him as he takes me in his arms like he did that fateful night so many years ago. 

"You were dreaming," Giles informs me, my brain clearing enough to allow me to believe him. 

"Oh God, please no." I cling to Angel, burrowing into his shoulder as the dream replays in my mind. It can't be a portent! 

"Buffy?" He asks still holding onto me, somehow knowing I need to feel him. 

"I...I dreamed about The First. About our battle with it." I can't stop my voice from shaking. "We were fighting a wave of Bringers. I'd made it to the First, you weren't far behind me, I swung the Staff and nothing happened! He just laughed at us as they took you down." 

"Hmmm...." Giles turns from us in thought. "Your dream might simply mean there's more to the Quarterstaff than we realise." 

I sit back from Angel. Giles' suggestion ringing true in my mind. 

"What?" Angel asks. 

"I think you're right. Don't ask me how, but what you just said sounds right to me." 

"Okay then," Wes stands, pacing slowly around the room. "Here's my two pence - the fact that you were dreaming of Angel in the battle - there was no sign of anyone else, was there?" 

I shake my head no. 

"Then," he continues, "could it be that you and Angel must be together - physically maybe? The Oracles seem to be pushing your relationship." 

I just look at Angel somewhat blankly. 

"There are many levels of intimacy, Buffy." Angel gently informs me - confusing me. He smiles at my expression. "They may not have been talking about making love - physical intimacy - we were intimate before I left Sunnydale; even when we were afraid to touch." 

The light dawns. "We were, weren't we." My head tips to rest against his hand on my shoulder. "How do we regain that?" 

"That's the whole point, I'm assuming." Giles sits back down across from us. "You have already grown a great deal closer in a very short time." 

"It's already taken something from us." I straighten knowing I'm right as Angel averts his eyes. "I may be scared about taking our relationship to the next level, but you're....." 

"Terrified," he admits quietly. 

"I beg your pardon?" Giles subtly asks. 

I take a deep breath, knowing Giles needs to know, hoping he can help us. "Before, when The First was haunting Angel, we shared a dream. Angel came to my room, we made love..." 

"I lost my soul and drank her." Angel finishes for me bluntly. 

"Oh dear." Wes looks from me to Angel with clear understanding, not disgust, or the reprimands I was expecting. 

"Isn't the chance worth it?" I ask Angel. 

"I want to, Buffy, more than you'll know." 

"Then what's the problem?" 

He looks grimly at me, his thumb caressing my cheek as he talks. "You've always been so positive, so sure things will work out." 

"And they do, Angel. They always have." 

"Have they? Can you honestly say that?" 

"We're here, now. We can be together." 

"Are you completely sure of that?" 

"God, Angel!" I stand, throwing my hands in the air in frustration, forgetting that Giles and Wes are in the room with us. "You were the one who told me about the Oracles. You told me to trust them. You said you felt the magick, felt something expand inside you. How can you not be sure?!" It was a loaded question. 

"Because as much as I want you, want us to finally be together - I can still feel how it was that night. I can feel that hunger, that anger inside me." 

"Your demon isn't gone, Angel. It never will be - it can be your greatest asset if you let yourself look at it that way. Or it can be our downfall." I move closer to him, wanting to touch him as I say what I'm about to. "To be with you again, to be yours again - it's worth the risk to me, Angel." 

"I don't know, Buffy." He remains close, but his body language says everything to me. 

My heart sinks. I step away from him. "Then they've won. I guess in reality, they won years ago." 

I leave the room before anyone can stop me and make my way out into the newly restored daylight - away from anywhere Angel can reach me. The city looks worse in sunlight. The carnage clear - looting was to be expected, but the dismay on so many emerging people's faces takes another piece of me. 

He doesn't want me. I shouldn't be surprised at that. He has his family now, Cordy, Wes and Connor - why would he need me? It's not like I ever fit into his life. I was a hindrance from the beginning. He came, he warned, he possibly helped, then he vacated for another few weeks. We should have left it at that. 

My fingers swipe angrily at a tear. I stupidly let myself hope, believe that this time we'd be okay. That his passion that night was a clear sign. Just stupid Buffy wanting something she can never have - again. 

I stop to help an older couple remove some debris off their front landing so they can get out of their home. At least I can still do something worthwhile. 

The Morah are here and they're gonna take me out. I don't think I've ever felt so defeated - well, maybe when Glory had Dawn and Giles was suggesting that I kill my own sister... 

In the greater scheme of things, I guess it doesn't matter. One Slayer dies, the next is called - or maybe Faith will gain a bunch more power - I really don't understand how it works. Angel, Faith and everyone will take care of The First, the Morah will leave once I'm gone and things will go back to the way they were. 

No big.


	29. Chapter 29

What ravages of spirit conjured this tempestuous rage   
Created you a monster broken by the rule of love   
And fate has lead you through it   
You do what you have to do

And I had the sense to recognise   
That I don't know how to let you go   
Every moment with apparitions of your soul   
However swiftly moving   
Trying to escape this desire   
The yearning to be near you   
I do what I have to do.   
~Do What You Have To   
\- Sarah McLachlan

 

I wander listlessly back into the hotel. The downstairs is quiet. The injured girls sleeping fairly peacefully around the floor. The others I'm assuming have sought out their own beds for the day. 

"Slayer," I hear Spike's voice call as I reach the top of the stairs. "Woulda been nice for someone to inform me about the pending sunrise," he bitches playfully.

I'm really not in the mood for him and am about to tell him as so as I face him. 

His expression changes as he sees mine. "He hurt you, didn't he?" 

Not like he needs me to confirm it, but I nod anyway. 

Anger lights his blue eyes for a split second. "Are you alright?" 

"Not really," I sigh out heading back towards my room to mope. 

"Buffy...?" I pause. Damn I hate when he does this. He never uses my name, but when he does, it's always the right time to touch me in his way. I feel his hands on my shoulders from behind me. "I know I can't give you what he can, but I can give you this." He turns me slowly, wrapping his arms around me. I feel myself leaning into his hug. I can't snuggle into him like I can Angel - Spike being so much shorter, but it's comforting to be held. 

"What is it about me...?" I realise what I'm asking as his body tenses. "Wait, forget I said that." 

He continues holding me. "Can I ask what happened? I thought you two were getting all mushy-like?" 

I snicker before answering him. He may not be the most impartial, but for everything we've ever been through, he's been the most honest. Maybe he can shed some light on things. "When The First first showed itself to us - to Angel - it was just after he came back." I feel Spike's nod once against the top of my head letting me know he knows exactly what I'm talking about. "It molested us with shared dreams. I saw so many things Angelus did - his victims, his thoughts during a hunt, his joy in taunting them..." 

"And...?" Spike prompts knowing I'm not through. 

"And it showed us what it would be like if we made love again." 

"Including all the gory details of Angel's soul taking another hike leaving you with one pissed off Angelus." I nod against his neck. "He killed you." 

"In the process of when we woke up." 

"And now the old git is flighty?" I nod again. "Stupid fucker." I pull away from him, startled. "Okay, look. I know I have a completely different outlook on things than my dear old Sire." I smirk at him, he replies with a pointed glare. "But, he has everything he's ever wanted before him. His floaty friends," he uses his fingers to illustrate, "put his soul in the driver's seat permanent-like, he has you more than willing to jump his bones and he still spitters. I just don't get it." 

"I don't either," I admit. "But I promised him no strings, and I haven't kept it." 

Spike snorts at me. "Yeah, right." 

"What am I doing talking to you anyway?" Anger, frustration and everything else I've been beating myself up with crashes back down on me. 

He sighs, "we both know why. I may not be the love of your life, but we have a connection." Okay, I have to give him that. "Plus I'll always be around to annoy you - whether you like it or not." I feel the smile and force it back down. "And to top it all off, I have two, very strong, strikingly good looking, immortal shoulders you can blubber on anytime your heart desires." 

That does it, the smile, and a bit of laughter cracks through. Shaking my head I reach around his neck, hugging him dearly. "Thanks." 

"Anytime, Luv." He returns my hug, holding me just as I need him to. He promised me he wouldn't cross the line again, and he's keeping his word. "You and the sod have to work through this." 

"I know. I just hate that there's a time limit, and that so much is riding on us sorting through the carnage of what we once had." 

"Of love were easy, Pet, everyone could do it." 

I give him one last tight squeeze before releasing him. He does have his moments of fabulous insight. 

"Have you...?" 

As if reading my mind - something both he and Angel seem to have an uncanny talent for, "The Nibblet's fine. Spending more time harassing me about what you and Angelus are up to then letting me bother her about any of her exploits." I think that really does annoy him that he can't get a word in edgewise when Dawn's on one of her babble-rants. Yay Dawnie. I clearly let Spike see how much I'm enjoying that thought. He ignores it spoiling my fun. "She's become rather adept at looking after herself, I would assume her older sister has something to do with that." 

I blush at his unexpected and somewhat backhanded compliment.

"Is there anything else I should know about?" he motions out a nearby window. 

Shaking my head, "not as far as I know." 

"Alright then. I'm off to sleep the day away like all good vampires should." He tips his head, almost leering at me before sauntering off down the hallway. I can't be bothered to waste the effort of shaking my head at his retreating back. 

I don't knock before I enter Angel's suite. I'm afraid he'll reject me again, and we don't have time for this. Okay, I admit it, I'll lose my nerve if he does. He's standing, head hanging between the doors into his bedroom. 

"Hey," he says in way of greeting, not bothering to turn around. 

"Hey," I answer back. "We need to talk." 

"We do." I see him nod. "How are things out there?" 

"Bad - much worse seen by the light of day." 

"I figured as much."

"I guess not everything looks better in the light of day." That was a low blow. I'm already scolding myself for how cheap of a shot that was.

Angel sends a startled look of hurt over his shoulder before coming back into his sitting room to drop heavily in a chair. "Connor called." That grabs my attention and even though I'm looking at him, Angel is avoiding eye contact. "Cordy is awake and they're okay." 

"Good, I'm glad to hear that." I mean it too. 

"Gunn and Fred will go to pick them up just before sundown. They've agreed to stay here until Cordy is stronger." His voice is deadpan, emotionless - even though this turn of events should have him relieved, happy even. 

"That's a measure of relief?" I prod. 

He shrugs, "I guess." 

"Okay, now you sound like your petulant son." 

That gets him glaring at me. "Excuse me?" 

"You heard me. And you know I'm right. Come on, Angel, you should be happy - they're trusting you." 

"Right," he spits bitterly. "The only reason they've agreed to come back is to save their own asses." With that he stands with quick feline grace, beginning to pace. 

"When did you become so cynical?"

"Do you really have to ask me that?" His glare falls fully onto me. "Look around us, look at everything that's happened in the past few years. There are times I think - I'm sure - we're making some sort of difference. Then there are times when I'm sure we're not." 

"What's brought this on? Did someone say something?" He's confusing me. One minute he's Mr Positive, now he's Mr Gloom and Doom. 

"I just don't know what's real anymore. I was so sure at the house - I felt it! But now, after the dreams..." 

"Whoa, wait - dreamS? As in plural?" 

He nods, "I saw the last one you had, before you did, just from a different point of view. I saw you take the swing at The First, then I watched as they took you down." 

I'm starting to understand his frustration as mine ebbs marginally. I heave a sigh, running both hands through my hair. 

"Who's sending us those dreams? The Powers, or The First? Once I know that, I'll know how to proceed." 

"But there are other things mucking up the judgement?" I think I ask that with too much expectation. 

"Yes." His voice becomes breathy as he closes the distance between us. "I want you, Buffy. I think I've made that abundantly clear on a number occasions of late." He steps back visibly reining himself in. "But if we're wrong, just think of the consequences. You'll have to deal with The First, the Morah demons and Angelus." 

"And if we're right - then what? How do I control the Quarterstaff? Will it be enough to stop The First?" There's desperation in my voice as I move around him. 

"I don't have all the answers, Buffy." 

"Then what do you want?" 

"When has what either of us wanted ever mattered in the grand scheme of things?" 

"I'm asking you a question, Angel. Now answer me." 

He answers me in the only way left open to him. Grabbing my shoulders, he hauls me against him, his hand moving to cup my chin, angling my face up for his kiss. So very much like the first time. Passion overwhelms me, and Angel too I'm thinking by his aggressive movements. 

His tongue slides over my lips, asking for entry, almost begging for my willing response. 

There was never any question. My mouth opens, welcoming him, my arms reaching around his neck, pulling him down to me as I arch, trying to bring our bodies into contact. 

How I've longed for this - for him to make the first move again. His hands have moved to my waist, drawing me closer until we're pressed together. I moan softly, encouraging the contact, savoring the feel of him once more, terrified that if I do too much, he'll realise what he's doing and stop. 

I let my hands begin their travels over him. Caressing his neck, his shoulders, his arms, then back up to his neck and down his back. I don't want to move away, to lose even a fraction of our contact to touch his chest. 

He does it for me, lifting me gently into his arms, somehow managing to continue the kiss all the while. Two steps and I feel him lowering me until my back hits the covers. As soon as I'm down, his hands begin their travels. So slow, so gentle he takes his time with my body - making me feel alive for the first time since my birthday all those years ago. His hands at my throat should cause alarm, but instead they relax me, arouse me. His fingers easily span my neck in the most gentle caress I've ever felt from anyone. From there it's across my shoulders, his finger tracing my collarbone - almost tickling me. I can't stop the smile against his lips. I feel his in return. 

And that's when it hits me! He knows what he's doing. There's no fear, no rush, only us. This is our time and he plans to take his. 

His hand skims down my side, his thumb just touching my breast as his palm slides down. I want to moan in frustration, to turn into that contact. 

"Patience, Love." he whispers in my ear before nibbling gentle on my lobe, then down to kiss my neck, nuzzling in, suckling on the sensitive spot where my neck and shoulder join. Doesn't he know me by now? I don't have any of that. I make that point as I arch into his mouth, my fingers wrapping around his head, tugging him closer. He chuckles - a low, deep rumble as he complies at last.


	30. Chapter 30

Dedication   
Written by Lawrence Gowan

I could never count   
The hours of patience   
Nor how many times   
I've Turned away

Lost within this cause   
That lives to taunt me   
Long as I may breath   
I'll get to you one day

Wait on me now   
Wait on me now, oh I swear   
No power, no reason, no purpose   
Which stands before me   
Will shake my attention or focus   
From this one belief

Locked away - in time   
The door will open   
All those things that hide

Will be revealed   
Never is a word   
That's lost all meaning   
Nothing in this world   
Will ever be more real

You know my dedication

part 30 

 

How many times had we been this close? Just scratching the surface of what we could truly experience. Of the gifts, or the power, of the - dare I say it - the love between us.

Lying beneath him, I feel his body strain over mine as he kisses me again. I reach further around him, wanting his weight on me, wanting to feel all of him as he moves over me, moves in me. I'd forgotten how easy it is to be with him. How familiar, how comforting even as our bodies strain against one another. His hand glides over my skin in a firm caress, his fingers splay at the flair of my hip, grabbing on, holding me still, then pulling me up as he thrusts deeper. My thighs lock around his, holding his hips in place against me, refusing to let him pull too far back. I want him closer, deeper. The fury of this passion cannot sustain it's power. I've lost all feel of the world around me - only he exists. He shifts, moving closer, holding my hips with firm strength as he changes his angle - always knowing. How can he think coherently? Or is he just as lost as I am? 

I keep waiting for him to change, but it never happens, instead he continues kissing me, his lips never leaving mine even as his hands travel from my scalp to my breasts, to position my hips. I feel every muscle, the minutest movement; wanting to capture this moment, hold it as dearly and as clearly as our last. 

He smoothly flips us, allowing me to take control, to slow things. I maintain the rhythm he's set, though I now have the ability to touch him. My hands are braced against his chest, the firm line of muscle flexing beneath my palms with each movement. 

We look directly at each other; I've never seen anything so beautiful, or romantic as the expression on his face. The softness lighting his eyes, the obvious happiness as he watches me over him as we make love. 

I've never dreamed it could be like this. He rears up suddenly, his lips capturing mine as he grabs my hips pulling me down against him. My body shudders once more as I feel him reach completion, taking me beyond with him.

**

 

I snuggle further into Angel's side, not sure what's disturbing my sleep. His arms tighten reflectively as I nuzzle further across his chest, my right arm reaching around his bare torso. 

Then it hits me, my Slayer senses are going bonkers. My eyes snap open just as Angel bolts upright in bed. 

"Elrich." There's total calm in Angel's voice - like he had been expecting this. 

"Angelus," the eldest vampire responds from his casual stance in the bedroom doorway. 

Making sure I remain covered, Angel easily climbs out of bed, unconcerned of his nudity as he reaches for his slacks and unhurriedly slips them on. 

"I have to admit, I had been unconvinced." Elrich's eyes drift from me in Angel's bed - obviously naked back to Angel as he dresses; his implication clear. 

Making sure the douvet is covering my breasts I slide up the bed to sit watching the two men. Angel is watching him like a hawk - and I'm wondering how the Hell he got in here. I think Angel trusts him - to a degree at least. 

"There is a matter I need to discuss with you both." The blond vampire's eyes slowly move over me still sitting in Angel's bed. I try to look confident, defiant even. "If you would join us at your earliest convenience." Elrich moves back from the French Doors into the sitting area as Angel catches my eyes. I let him know I understood what was asked and am already looking for my pile of clothes. Angel backs out of the room, closing the doors, but just before the doors obscure his vision, his eyes soften, I can clearly see his love, his joy at seeing me in his bed again. I'm smiling at him like a grinning idiot, and I can't stop myself. We'd been cheated out of this our first night, and I guess we're being cheated out of it again in some regard with our visitor disturbing us. As soon as I hear the door click shut I slide out of bed and begin getting dressed.

* 

I meet them out in the sitting room only a few minutes later. The atmosphere is fairly relaxed; all things considered. 

Elrich - the eldest vampire, the one I thought I might like, and Angel are chatting companionably. Angel is perched on the arm of a chair while Elrich is seated elegantly across from him. Both sets of eyes move to me as I make my entrance. Slayer abilities be damned, I refuse to trip over my own feet today as I sit myself down near Angel.

"Forgive my rude intrusion, I mean no disrespect." 

"But...?" Angel prompts. 

"But," he proceeds clearly choosing his words. "I have news of the Morha. I'm not foolish, Angelus. Once you brought the Turok Han to our attention I 'dug deeper' as they say. In addition to the speculation concerning the ancient ones, we found reference to the Morha." 

Now that grabbed my attention. I had kind of been thinking this whole thing was a coincidence. Maybe not so much. 

Angel gives one of his thinking sighs. "I had considered this," he nods slowly as he speaks. I'm not sure how much he wants, or dares to divulge. "We know the Morha have been hunting us for years, but they haven't openly attacked us for quite some time." Angel stands with natural grace, causing my eyes to follow him. "I have contacts who recently informed us of their reappearance. I hadn't thought they'd move in so quickly." 

"To my knowledge you have mere hours before the mass arrives - literally - on your doorstep." 

"May I ask why?" my curiosity is killing me. I don't know if I have the right to ask - but that's never stopped me before. 

"To which do you refer?" Elrich asks. 

"Why inform us of their coming?" Now I'm starting to sound biblical. 

The Elder's smile is genuine. "I do not make partial alliances. If I give my word to protect, I will honour that to the letter." 

"Thank you." I know there's more than he's alluding to. 

"I have sentries placed in strategic areas all across the city. They are monitoring all movement. As of yet only the Morah pose a threat. A few Turok Han have been sighted, but they have been dealt with." 

"I'll assume they are testing us." Elrich nods his agreement of Angel's assessment. 

"They are intelligent beings - never think other wise." 

I can't help but shudder at the memory of the beating I took. I found it to be powerful, and it had a functioning brain - unlike a great many of the newer vamps I'd easily outwitted. This one acted like it could read my mind, parrying my bluffs and what I had once considered ingenuity. 

Elrich is watching me closely, maybe a bit too closely for my comfort level. Yet he meets my eyes with ease, making me want to believe he is as truthful as he says. 

I've grown cynical too and dare not hope for complete honesty from anyone anymore. 

"You both have had a long battle, one that grows in multitudes on a daily basis." His eyes shift from myself to Angel, as though he's trying to subtly tell us something, and by the look in Angel's eyes, he understands the message. Me - not so much.


	31. Chapter 31

Usual Disclaimer - all belongs to someone else, just having some fun! Can anyone peg the line from Robin of Sherwood??   
This has not been beta'd - no one answered my call :( - anyone interested in beta'ing the next sections? If so, msg me pls!

 

"Hi Sweetheart." I knew that voice, turning to welcome it long before my fogged brain came to the realisation of how that voice should not be anywhere near me.

The tears came unbidden as I turned to face my mom full on. The knowing smile was far too real, too natural, too familiar. 

"I know..." she continues, her eyes rolling towards the ceiling in another one of her expressions that lets me know she knows what I'm thinking. 

I had returned to my room after Elrick had dismissed us with a gesture and disappeared into the dawn before the sun caught him up. 

I finish towel drying my hair. Exiting my shower, this was the last person I expected to encounter in my room. 

"You know, being the mother of a Slayer - THE best Slayer does have it's perks. Who knew," she laughed - I guess trying to put me at ease. 

"Mom...?" I can barely choke out the word, let alone wrap my brain around what was, who was, in front of me.

"No, I'm not some kind of illusion - though I understand why you might think so. Especially with all that's been happening lately." She pauses to sit down on the bed - an actual imprint follows her motion on the comforter, confusing me further. "I've been watching you - and Angel truth be told," she continues. "I never realised how hard it was, and I'm quite glad that as a living Mom I didn't have to deal with the stress!" Yip, that's a joke my mom would make. "And yes, there is a reason I'm here now. Though I think you know the rules as well as I do and I can't be completely clear on what I want to tell you." 

I stood, waiting, still disbelieving, though my entire being longed for it to be true - for my mom to actually be here sitting in front of me as I've dreamed and dreamed again since her sudden death. 

"I never saw your capacity for forgiveness, nor how much you hold in your heart," she continues slowly, obviously choosing her words. "It is true, I can see past and present. I knew there were aspects of Angel that all of you hid from me. That acceptance you give so freely - it's amasing that my daughter has that ability; considering how jaded I was." She smiles sadly, knowing that I saw what the divorce did to her emotionally. 

"Angel is the key to everything, I guess he always has been - that was the point I suppose," she chuckles this time, staring right at me, but I'm so caught up.

"Mom....??" I don't get it, why is she here? Why now? Is she real - as real as she could be, or is this the First screwing with me again. I try to hang onto reality; that this may be just another trick, or a very sick joke. With the way my life loves to twist and turn....

"You know I can't stay long, but I wanted to let you know. There are so many things I want to say to you, but time's caught me up." with that she fades, the comforter returns to it's original position with a slight wrinkle to remind me. 

"Buffy...?" I didn't hear Angel come in. He turns me slowly towards him looking concerned as Hell.

"My Mom was here... or I think it was her. It sounded like her, moved like her, said things she would say." I had to breathe, "I don't know what's real anymore." 

"This is real," was the simple answer as he thumbs a tear off my cheek.

He's right, as usual. "For a Big Lug, you sure do know the right thing to say sometimes." For that off kilter compliment I'm rewarded with a loving smile. 

Wait!

"Angel is the key", I hadn't meant to say it out loud. Off his confused look; "something my mom said.... I wonder....?" I grabbed for my clothes, "meet me downstairs with the staff thingy, I have an idea."


	32. Chapter 32

A/N: I’m not entirely happy with this, but it’s a step in the right direction    
Song gakked from one vampire to another – but the lyrics fit so true for where I want this fic to go.

 

Other lives, always tempted to trade  
Will they hate me for all the choices I made?  
Will they stop when they see me again?  
I can't stop now I know who I am

Now I'm all yours, I'm not afraid  
You're all mine, say what they may  
And all your love, I'll take to the grave  
And all my life starts now

Tear me down, they can't take you out of my thoughts  
Under every scar there's a battle I've lost  
Will they stop when they see us again?  
I can't stop now I know who I am

~Eclipse(All Yours) - Metric

 

There are days when I question myself, when all that's happened overwhelms me to the point of turning me into - what would Spike call it? Oh yes - a pile of foolish blubbering. 

How many times have I had to do something that I'm beyond terrified to do? How many? I really don't want to count that high. Yet, here I am again. Ten minutes ago I would have sworn that this will work - now, not so much. 

I jog down the stairs into the grand reception area trying not to betray my feelings of bone jarring dread. I knew when I said it that it wouldn't be easy. Isn't that what the floaty figures said?

*If* this works, then everything they all have said will make a small sense; a few of the key puzzle pieces will fall into place. 

Assuming I can get the gonads to go through with it.

Angel meets me at the bottom of the stairs, Spike on his heels holding the dreaded piece of cursed wood that just may be our salvation. I really wish the Big Bads, Powers That Be, whoever comes up with this shit would just make ONE thing simple, non-painful - Just ONCE would be really nice. Yeah, see me not holding my breath for that outcome. 

Giles is in hot pursuit and I can't hold back the groan as a bunch of the Potentials and Faith follow behind. I had hoped for some semblance of privacy, just in case I'm totally off my rocker with this. Well, if I'm wrong, any faith they have left in me will vanish like one of Will's spells. 

Angel is looking at me curiously, waiting patiently as I gather my nerves. It's him this involves, so I face him straight on, ignoring the others around us. 

"They said that was our connection that makes this work, so...." I turn away, grabbing his hand and place it just below my shirtsleeves on my bare skin. He complies by mimicking on the other side. 

Here we stand, his chest just behind my back, his right hand on my right arm, his left on my left. 

"We spent so long copying our movements when I was in high school; it became so easy for us. I used to think of it as a romantic training dance," I hear him chuckle, hoping he's somewhat lost in those memories as well. 

"*If* I'm right, you can't let go, or I'll lose myself to it again."

He's right behind me, I can feel him so close, "I remember, and I won't let go." 

Somewhat reassured I reach forward to grab the staff from Spike. 

Immediately I feel its tendrils working its way up my arm, towards my head, my control centre.

"I'm here...," Angel's voice sounds closer than just behind me, more like I can hear him inside my head. 

That's when I notice I can feel his presence inside me - like we're joined on a spiritual level... not like the bond we share, but something far deeper; like his soul is inside me, a part of me. 

"Holy fuck..." I can't agree with his eloquent sentiment more... 

I begin to move, experimenting with the weight of the staff, Angel's body following mine with exact precision; I change tactics, using the staff like a weapon, twirling it, lunging with it. Angel follows my movements effortlessly. 

The tendrils have made their way to my head, poking into my brain, I feel myself losing grip on reality.

Angel is suddenly right there, inside my head with it. His hands have moved quickly to my sides, under my tee-shirt below my ribs guiding me, adding power to the imaginary blows. I can feel his thoughts, at least as they combine with mine to work with the being inside the staff. 

“Spike,” I hear Giles and I realise that I am no longer looking through my eyes, but through the staff, giving me a true vantage of where the staff exactly is, where it’s going, how it balances, how it will strike; how the three of us can work to increase the power and precision. 

I see Spike with a staff moving towards us and the staff in my hands ‘sees’ the threat and guides Angel and I towards it, giving me ideas on the fastest, and easiest ways to defeat the threat in front of us. 

“Follow it,” I hear Angel’s voice inside my head. I have no idea if he spoke aloud or not. Not that it matters. His strength is now my strength combined with whatever it is inside the staff that is connecting us on a level I never dreamed could be. 

In one blow not only have we struck the staff in Spike’s hands, we’ve shattered it into a million pieces and sent poor Spike flying through the wall into the next room.

Once the threat is gone and Spike is too far away for the staff to see him as a threat, I feel it receding from my mind, Angel too sadly. 

Before it has a chance to grasp me again, I drop it, turning to Angel’s astounded face. 

“Holy shit,” I don’t think I’ve heard Angel swear this much before. My body tingles like there’s a gaping hole in my head where with staff and Angel should be lodged; Pins and needles inside a black hole. 

I grab for Angel, anything, as my motor control slips. Dizziness overwhelms me until Angel’s arms catch me – just that little bit of contact grounds me again. Lets my brain return from the jelly-like state. 

“Breathe,” I hear him whisper somewhere close to my cheek. Any other time that could have been a very romantic sentiment, but not in this case. 

I heed his advice and the world comes a bit clearer. I can feel myself again – arms, legs, body are all beginning to listen to me again. His worried gaze meets mine as I glance up. 

“I think I can stand now.”

“You sure?”

I can’t help myself; “No, but we can’t stay like this forever, though that is a very appealing thought.” He smirks and my heart melts.


	33. Chapter 33

I've been believing in something so distant  
As if I was human  
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness  
In me, in me

All the promises I made  
Just to let you down  
You believed in me, but I'm broken

I have nothing left  
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time  
And now I'm lost in paradise

As much as I'd like the past not to exist  
It still does  
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here  
I'm just as scared as you

I have nothing left  
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time  
And now I'm lost in paradise

Run away, run away  
One day we won't feel this pain anymore

Take it all away  
Shadows of you  
Cause they won't let me go

Until I have nothing left  
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time  
And now I'm lost in paradise

Alone, and lost in paradise

~Lost In Paradise  
      Evanescence

 

_“I hope you realise this is bending the rules again, but I just had to…..,” Mom sighs heavily.  “It’s funny – well not funny - even knowing what I know, I’m upset.  I’m hoping you can be more open-minded.  I already know that you are, far more than we ever were.” She stops speaking to pace back and forth in front of me. “I want you to listen, to pay attention.  I know it’s going to be rough to hear the truth.  Hell, I could barely listen to it._

_“But maybe, one day, you can forgive.  You have such great capacity for that.  Not sure where you got that from.  It certainly wasn’t either of your parents.”_

 

I wake, tears streaming  down my cheeks, dread, fear and something far more deep seeded tearing at me. 

“Buffy?” always beside me now, Angel reaches to wipe at the tears I can’t seem to stop.

“I dunno.  Another dream,” I can barely speak through the pain I can’t explain.  “My mom, she was talking.”

That grabs his attention, “tell me what she said?”

Still hiccupping I can barely get the words out, and I have no idea why I’m so upset.  “She said something about keeping an open mind, that maybe one day I can forgive.. . whatever it is I’m about to find out and it’s not good.”  

I climb out of bed feeling cheated again.  Yet another night and I wake up in this state.  It’s like we’re not allowed to have a quiet night and a morning of happy peace. 

Instead I’m a total wreck, padding to the bathroom, bawling for some unknown reason; yet knowing that something horrible is about to happen.

**

“Buffy!”

 Holy shit I know that voice!  I’m barely even dressed from our  ‘conserve water shower’ when I hear the familiar voice calling from downstairs.

I rush headlong though the hallway and down the stairs, almost colliding with Dawny in my rush.

“Dad!” we both scream at the same time. 

Yet something is wrong.  He’s standing at total ease in the middle of the hotel – in the middle of a group of potentials, vampires and demons.  I stop just in front of him as Dawn rushes headlong into his embrace. 

I realise I’ a dumb blond, but this is completely wrong. 

Dawn finally steps back and he looks at me – and I know that look.  I also know what Lorne is standing behind me, in his direct line of sight, yet my Dad is not phased. 

That horrible feeling from this morning returns.  I’m shaking before he opens his mouth to explain. “How?” is the best I seem to be able to articulate.

“Buffy, there are some things I need to tell you, to explain,” he sighs deeply, nervously, stepping away from Dawn who immediately sidles over towards Giles and Spike. 

It dawns on me – in a suffocating rush. “You knew?!”

“I’ve always known,” he admits slowly. “I was, in fact a member of the council until just after you hit puberty.”  I think he still holds some pride in that statement.

Angel is behind me, Giles jaw is literally on the floor – and I’ve seen that man shocked before – this goes beyond.

 I can’t seem to breathe as I gawk at him. “You sent me to a mental institute when you knew all this was true?  You let that happen?!” I want to scream, but I can’t seem to pull in enough oxygen. I feel like someone has dropped a 4 storey building on my chest.

“You have to understand…” he begins again.

“ _I want you to listen, to pay attention_ , “ I close my eyes trying to get a grip as I hear Mom’s voice again.  The dream now makes sense.

“They knew,” Dad continues. “I wasn’t permitted to be your Watcher, I had to let you go, to pay the price so that you could be everything…”

“They needed me to be,” my tone sounds flat even to my ears.  Inside I’m freaking, feelings of betrayal the likes of which I have never experienced flood me.  It’s all too much, too fast.

“I have to get out of here,” I can’t stand the looks of the potentials, of my so called father.

“It’s too dangerous,” Angel grabs my arm as I make a beeline for the door.

I can’t seem to think, “then take me somewhere.”

“Spike,” it’s an order.

“Nibblet?” Spike is becoming more of a mother then I could ever have been.

“I’ll stay with Giles.”  I’ve never heard such a desolate tone from her.  One quick look and I believe she will stay with him without a doubt. 

I glance at my father as Angel leads Spike and I quickly towards the stairs, to the tunnels under the hotel – to anywhere but here. 

We hit the tunnels and I find myself running full out, tears blurring my way as I bounce off walls.  I know the guys are behind me somewhere, but I can’t be bothered to care where, or if I’m leaving them behind. 

Why?  What’s the point of all this?  Every time I think I have a small grasp, someone pulls the rug out from under me and drops me in a vat of acid. The most painful kind.

I trip over something on the ground, falling to my knees – but I don’t even feel it as I hit the ground. How could he?  How could he let us suffer like this, turn a completely blind eye to everything going on around him.  To watch his family torn apart when he could have easily saved us all this heart break. 

Angel’s wrapped me in his arms.  I can’t hear anything over my own thoughts and tears.  Lost in this blind hysteria of betrayal.    

“Buffy,” I hear my Mom’s voice.

“Jesus,” Angel quietly whispers, amasement clear in his tone. 

I turn to find my Mom, real and crouching in front of me.  “Mommy.” I shift from him to my mother.   Gods I feel like I’m 10 yrs old.  Completely drowning. 

“Buffy, my daughter, my only real daughter.” That strikes a nerve, I guess she would know the truth now. “There are so many reasons for why things transpired as they have.  You know this, deep down, beyond the fact that he’s your biological father – he did what he HAD to do.” 

Hello brain, thank you for beginning to function again.  In all the odd situations, the one where my dead mother is kneeling on the bottom of a concrete tunnel with me, with my two vampires, is the situation where it all begins to make sense.  

“Chosen One,” this must be bad for the female Oracle to show herself again. She’s crouching beside my Mother, as close as she can get with Mom and Angel hovering.  “The path was chosen long before the bodies were conceived.  You know of this.”

“I know, but why does it always have to be like this?” Christ I sound like a whiny child.

She smiles sadly – I knew I preferred her over the guy.  She seems to have some understanding of the turmoil. “Because without the trials, without Angelus having been the vampire he was, he could not be the man before you now.” Even she said ‘man’.  “Without all the trials you had and will continue to endure, you could not endure the coming challenges.”

“Who can I trust now…”

“Trust those who have been by your side since the beginning,” she casually interrupts me. “The man at your side we have already informed you will be your greatest asset.”

She said ‘man’ again. Funny how my brain completely comprehends when it comes to Angel.  “Thank you.” Is there really anything more I can say?

“I believe you have 3 powerful men at your disposal.” 

Did my Mother actually say that?  I glance up at her from my place between her and Angel. “Jesus, Mother, only you could make it sound like that.”  But I can’t help but smile as she smirks knowingly back. 

I look around, the female Oracle seems to have vanished; “She’s gone,” Angel confirms.

I sniff, feeling like a small, lost child, brush my hair from my eyes.  “How do you cope?” I direct the question at my Mother.

“Slowly, carefully and only after knowing all the facts.” She shakes her head, “I least I know you inherited my impetuousness.”

“And your stubborn streak,”

“Which is a good thing,” she finishes my sentence for me.  She stands slowly, bringing me to my feet in front of her.   “You need to back and listen to him.  No, it won’t be easy to hear – but you need to.  Let him explain, let him give you the information he has.  He *can* help you.”

I hate when she makes sense. I nod begrudgingly.  I know she’s right . Technically he’s another Watcher who can help us.

But still, it hurts, hurts more than killing Angel. 

“Buffy,” my mom brings my attention back to her.  “You’re beautiful, and intelligent – don’t let him tear your heart out.  You’ve gone through too much to lose that now.”  I nod once, tears still streaming down my face. I can’t seem to stop them no matter how hard I try, or how calm my brain feels. 

She engulfs me in a more then needed hug. “I miss you, Mom.”

“I know, I miss you too, Baby.  I’m always watching now.”

It feels so good to hear it, I know there’s a Heaven and one day I’ll see her there again.

“I love you, Buffy and am so proud of you.” She kisses me on the lips and dissipates.

 

 

 


End file.
